WEEKLY WHINE

Let's play zero

The football seasons are starting up again. Except in South America, where the football season can't start because it doesn't end. But in the rest of the world, people are excited that football is returning. Even in the United States and Canada, where they're confused about what football is. Anyway, the return of both types of football means one thing: bookmakers now have something to do again. You may be tempted to refer to your horoscope to determine which teams are deserving of your wagers.

But we here at GoobNet are here to remind you, yet again, that for these purposes, your horoscope would be about as useful as a wheel of White Stilton cheese. Less useful, actually, since at least you can generate random numbers by spinning the cheese wheel. That's right, your life is unaffected by massive ringed objects; it's affected by whichever European football league you prefer.

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
You are careful with your money, except for 1/20th of you, which has recently had its debts eradicated and has plenty of excess money to spend. If you are a supervisor, you tend to be irritated when members of your staff are called for jury duty, something that happens about every month or so. You get particularly annoyed when important team members are called away several days before the trial - and then only serve one half of it. Your lucky time is 15:00 BST.

SCOTTISH PREMIER LEAGUE
You are dominated by about 1/6th of you. The brain and the stomach, in particular. You are given to wonder why no other colours ever figure so prominently in SnakeBall as blue and green.

FRENCH LIGUE 1
You keep a lot of secrets, but you should stop. Begin a new era of openness by revealing that the only reason you don't like Americans is that they giggle when they discover that the French word for goal is but.

GERMAN BUNDESLIGA
You are amongst the best at what you do, but you can't seem to really get any recognition from your peers.

DUTCH EREDIVISIE
You prefer weird names, weird shirts, weird numbers, and weird scents. Your lucky scent is... come on everyone. You know where we're going with this.

SPANISH PRIMERA DIVISIÓN
You get things done late, if at all. This has incurred the wrath of your boss, who wants you to finish your work on time so that you're free for a meeting that nobody really likes to have and that you usually skip anyway. Your lucky continent is Asia, and your lucky number is hopefully your key to your lucky continent.

ITALIAN SERIE A
You are litiginous and have no concept of the phrases conflict of interest or disastrous idea. You seize opportunities and never let go, not even if it's escaped. And you're a little odd, even for the footballing family. I mean, only in Italy could one person split his time between running a football club and running the nation.

Well, okay. That could probably happen in Brazil too.