WEEKLY WHINE

Urine jokes? You got it

This was a year of errors, wasn't it? Everyone made some sort of mistake this year, and now they're going to pay for it in our year end non-awards.

Note: In some parts of the world, 2003 is still in progress. Deal with it.

GOOBNET 2003 REVIEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn't actually exist however]
• Deb Harratsch, editor, portHOLE[tm] by GoobNet
• Debbie Myers, host, Interaction
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater

Disease of the Year: Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome
Deb says: This coronavirus relative seems to have spread to humans from masked palm civet cats, which continue to be traded illegally in East Asia. Get a clue, morons.

Media Circus of the Year: Kobe BRYANT, Eagle, CO, United States
Reg says: A couple of days ago, Bryant arrived in Los Angeles in time to play part of his Lakers' game with Denver, after having spent most of the day in court in Colorado. Join with us now in saying: Yeah, so?

Chris Farley Memorial 'Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah' Award: Paris HILTON, United States
Reg says: Remember a year ago, when "Paris Hilton" meant a hotel, not the person who's going to inherit hotels? I'm sorry, but when we're talking about cute spoiled daughters who are next in line to the family fortune, all I can say is: G'uh! Amy Wong!

'Us Against the World' Award: George STEINBRENNER, owner, New York Yankees
Deb says: Would that we could all have jobs where not being the best is a crisis. Then again, given the way the Boss treats Brian Cashman, maybe I'll stick with my job here. Honourable mention to Real Madrid, who won a Spanish championship and still felt the need to gank Dave Beckham.

Best Film: Whale Rider, New Zealand
Debbie says: A film that just makes you want to stick out your tongue and go bleagh! Either that or do the Haka, the traditional Maori dance made famous by New Zealand's All Blacks rugby squad.

Worst Film: Hulk, United States
Edvard says: John, one of our Friends of GoobNet, had this offering: "Hulk bad. John want money back. Hulk II straight to video."

Best Event: YANG Liwei, China PR
Edvard says: Some people in the US said that China will never overtake them. Yeah, keep saying that. And whilst you're talking, they'll be doing.

Worst Event: STS-107, United States
Debbie says: We had a lot of discussions about this category: war in Iraq or loss of Columbia? Ultimately it came down to one factor, and that is that we all saw the war coming.

Best Sporting Event: American League Championship Series, United States
Reg says: This series had everything. Bitter rivals? Check. A bench coach being thrown down by his bald head? Check. A bullpen fight that led to criminal charges? Check. An ill advised decision that cost a guy his job? Check.

Worst Sporting Event: Australia-Namibia, pool A match, 2003 Rugby World Cup
Debbie says: Give a thumbs up to Namibia. At least with a 69-0 halftime deficit they still got up and came back out of the locker room to resume the shellacking. But when the dust settled it was 142-0, and the Wallabies were really just trying for tries at the end.

Grace in Hype Award: Freddy ADU, forward, DC United
Reg says: Fred signed with Major League Soccer about a month ago, at the age of fourteen. And he gave his mother the pen that he used to sign the contract, although, if he's a minor, did she have to sign it as well? Anyway, given that she was the one who entered a green card lottery in Ghana, which brought the family to Virginia, which brought Freddy to the US youth camps, and then the U-17 World Championship, and then the U-20 World Championship, that seemed like a good gift.

Worst Footballing Blunder [Player]: Rio FERDINAND, defender, Manchester United
Edvard says: I don't care how forgetful you may be. When they tell you to pee into a cup, you better bleeding do it.

Worst Footballing Blunder [Administrator]: UK Sport, United Kingdom
Edvard says: I don't care how busy you may be. When you tell someone to pee into a cup, you better make sure that he bleeding does it.

Worst Baseballing Blunder: Moises ALOU, outfielder, Chicago Cubs
Deb says: Everyone's making a big fuss about Steve Bartman and all that. Come on, though. If Alou had just put his head down and run back to his position, we wouldn't have given it a second thought. But he had to whine and hop up and down and call our attention to it, and because of him, Bartman goes into the file right behind the billy goat.

Worst American Footballing Blunder: Joe HORN, wide receiver, New Orleans Saints
Deb says: "Hello? Oh, hi Mr Tagliabue. Um, yeah, about that. I was just having a little fun. Yeah, I had to plant that telephone there this morning. Yeah, I told a couple of my teammates what I was up to. No, I'm not trying to show the Giants up. No, I know you can interpret it that way. Yeah, okay, I guess technically I felt certain that I would score against them today."

Best Response to an American Footballing Blunder: SUPER HUGO, mascot, New Orleans Hornets
Debbie says: So a few days afterward, Super Hugo's doing his trampoline dunks. He lands, grabs a mobile telephone from beside the basket, and answers it. Then he goes over to Horn himself, who had a courtside seat, and hands the telephone over. That's funny.