WEEKLY WHINE

Insert generic 'shirty' joke here

Now welcome once again to the fold "Dynamite Eating" Edvard van de Kamp. He, like you, has been keeping tabs on this whole Cameroon footballing fiasco, wherein they've been docked six points in qualifying for the 2006 Men's World Cup for wearing nasty ass uniforms. Those of you who had questions for Edvard about this matter will see your answers below, unless your question blew. Dynamite Eating Edvard presents Stump Edvard every four months here on GoobNet; use the Whine Control to examine previous editions.

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Dear Edvard: Since when can they take points away for uniforms? - Marcus Ndobo, Yaoundé, Cameroon

Dear Marcus: They're FIFA. They can do whatever the hell they want. At least in footballing matters.

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Dear Edvard: Are the uniforms really as ugly as all that? - Julio Mejia, Sucre, Bolivia

Dear Julio: They aren't ugly. They're nasty. There's a difference. Ugly would be Monaco's red and white diagonal halves. Nasty would be a skintight singlet. The green and red colours are kind of nice, which makes them non-ugly - they're nasty because of the few things they leave to the imagination.

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Dear Edvard: Do you think this will usher in a new era of points deductions for weird uniforms? - Michelle Yobo, Lagos, Nigeria

Dear Michelle: I hope not, but if it does, here are some teams who should run for cover:

• FC Zwolle: Blue and white horizontal stripes. That's ridiculous. Four points.
• NEC Nijmegen: Black with a big red and green vertical bar. Too confusing. Six points.
• Juventus: Pink away shirts. Enough said. Eight points.
• Blackburn Rovers: Blue and white halves and tight shirts? Twelve points.

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Dear Edvard: I still think a points deduction for a uniform violation is way too excessive. Don't you? - Marcus Ndobo, Yaoundé, Cameroon

Dear Marcus: Yes. They were probably influenced by the fact that Puma were willing to pay the fine on Cameroon's behalf, and so they wanted some way to ensure that it would be Cameroon who'd receive the punishment.

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Dear Edvard: What about nice uniforms? Who has the best? - Francesca de Madieras, Cardiff, Wales, UK

Dear Francesca: I don't know. I think you have to go with the kits that France wore at the 1998 Men's World Cup. Blue with subtle red and white horizontal lines.

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Dear Edvard: How about the most boring uniforms? Who's got those? - Francesca de Madeiras, Cardiff, Wales, UK

Dear Francesca: Okay, but this is your last question. It would have to be someone who wears monochromatic outfits. How about the New England Revolution's away kits? All white, with no stripes down the sleeves or the sides or anything.

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Dear Edvard: Didn't they originally get the shirts approved? - Candace Aplara, Toledo, OH, USA

Dear Candace: Yes. Puma said that both FIFA and the Confédération Africaine de Football told them that the funky outfits were fine. And then FIFA suddenly told them to wear something else, despite the fact that it would take two months to prepare alternate kits.

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Dear Edvard: So why did FIFA tell them not to wear the singlets if they'd already been approved? - Lisa Verkreyen, Baton Rouge, LA, USA

Dear Lisa: Because they're dumb.