WEEKLY WHINE

Schmilblick Patrol: Alex Rodriguez

Edvard: Hello once again, and welcome to Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. Now here's today's participant. He's the 2003 American League Most Valuable Player, he's a two time Gold Glove shortstop, he batted .320 with a .414 on base percentage and three home runs in this year's playoffs, and he's currently working on the construction of the Alex Rodriguez Education Center in Miami, FL, USA. Playing the game today, please welcome New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez.

Alex: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: And our patrollers are, first, Chuck from Overland, KS, USA.

Chuck: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: Lucille from Naperville, IL, USA.

Lucille: Hello.

Edvard: And Li from Wellington, New Zealand.

Li: Hi there.

Edvard: So Alex, what's your Schmilblick today?

Alex: My Schmilblick is: Why I swatted at the ball in Bronson Arroyo's glove.

Edvard: Why you swatted at the ball in Bronson Arroyo's glove. Okay. Sounds like that'll be a difficult one. And if our patrollers today can figure out your Schmilblick, they'll all win a week at your place, where they'll watch the World Series with you, on your couch, as you stew over not being able to be there. But if they can't guess your Schmilblick in eighteen queries, you will win a week at Li's place, where you'll watch the World Series with all of our patrollers, in midafternoon, on her couch, as you stew over not being able to be there. The first question is yours, Chuck.

Chuck: Thanks Edvard. Alex, are you insane?

Alex: No, I'm not insane.

Edvard: You're not?

Alex: No.

Edvard: All right then. Alex, we've discovered that you are not insane. So one down, seventeen to go. Lucille, start your questioning.

Lucille: Oh my gawd! Hi Alex!

Alex: Hi Lucille.

Lucille: Ooh! You've got such an exciting voice!

Alex: Umm... thanks.

Lucille: Okay. Um... my question is... um... what's your middle name?

Edvard: No, no, you can only ask yes or no questions, Lucille.

Lucille: Why?

Edvard: That's not a yes or no question either.

Lucille: Okay, okay! Fine! My question is: Alex, is your middle name Emmanuel?

Alex: Yes, it is.

Edvard: Well, a completely useless question there. Two down, sixteen to go. And before we hear the third question, let's meet our patrollers. Li, hi.

Li: Hi Edvard.

Edvard: What do you do down in Wellington?

Li: I'm a professional Segway racer.

Edvard: Wow. Is there a lot of money in Segway racing?

Li: Not a lot. So I also have a part time job as a plant photographer.

Edvard: Impressive. Have you ever considered combining the two?

Li: As a matter of fact, I have. But the pictures all came out blurry.

Edvard: Well, you can't say you didn't try. Let's go to your first question.

Li: Sure. Alex, did you know that it was against the rules?

Alex: No.

Edvard: A good question there as we learn that Alex didn't know that interfering with a fielder is illegal. I mean, duh. There's only an entire paragraph about it. Three down, fifteen to go. Chuck, hi.

Chuck: Hi.

Edvard: What's your job?

Chuck: I teach people how to walk in a straight line without falling over when they're drunk, so that they can pass sobriety tests.

Edvard: Is there a lot of money in walk coaching?

Chuck: Yes, there is.

Edvard: If you say so. Let's -

Chuck: There is, really.

Edvard: Let's have your question.

Chuck: Alex, were you trying to make sure that Bronson wouldn't tag you out?

Alex: Yes. And that's my Schmilblick.

Edvard: What, that's it?

Alex: Yeah.

Edvard: That's your Schmilblick?

Alex: Yeah.

Edvard: You wanted to get to first?

Alex: Yeah. What else?

Edvard: Well, I was kind of hoping it would be more, you know, nonobvious. Like maybe you thought the glove was really a mutant space monster that was eating Bronson's hand.

Alex: No, of course not. Derek thought that, but I managed to convince him that it wasn't true.

Edvard: Um... okay then. On their fourth question, they guessed your Schmilblick, and so they'll get to watch every game of the World Series with you. Congratulations to our patrollers today. And we'll see you next time on Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. This is Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks.