WEEKLY WHINE

The Birdman of Basketballcatraz

Earlier this week, Chris Andersen of the New Orleans Hornets was dismissed from the NBA for a violation of the league's drug policy.

And if you're wondering where you've heard that name before, it was probably in the following context: "He'll lob it up again.... Chris Andersen has now thrown himself seven lobs without attempting a dunk."

This is his first suspension, which suggests that he tested positive for some type of amphetamine rather than performance enhancers [for which the first violation is a ten game suspension]. He can apply for reinstatement in 2008, but the players' union can file a grievance now, something that it plans to do. But of course, it's never too early to try him in the court of public opinion, represented here by the GoobNet Mailbox. But remember to take everything you see here with a grain of salt. And nothing else.

Well, I guess this explains that time at the dunk contest, when he lobbed it up, like, ten times before he finally made the dunk. – Jon Calnkak, Hot Springs, AR, USA

It was eight times. And that can be explained by nerves. Although maybe one way of calming those nerves would be... well, you can see where we're going with this.

So my friends and I were all watching the game on Friday night, and at halftime they said that Chris Andersen was suspended for two years. I was all, "Dude, what was he on?" And Nigel was like, "The same shit you're on, I bet." And I said, "That's impossible. I don't even know what shit I'm on." – Ruben Randolph, Portland, OR, USA

Bill Simmons is over here.

Chris Andersen is an embarrassment to our fine city. What kind of example is he setting for our children? The youth of Oklahoma City need to have honest role models like Stephen Colbert, and yet we get some dunking, jumping, dope pushing dope like Andersen. If this is what all NBA players are like, I fear for our children. Parents, if you can get your kids to turn away from their Strat-o-Matic Baseball and Electric Football, tell them that Chris Andersen is not the man to emulate. – Lucille Stepford, Oklahoma City, OK, USA

What did you say? Sorry, I was distracted. Cribs was on.

What do you think Chris Andersen will do while he's suspended? – Jan Falla, Ermine, BC, Canada

Testify before Congress, refuse to talk about the past, promise to be an antidrug spokesperson, and finally disappear completely when people want him to act as an actual antidrug spokesperson. But that's just a guess.

What's the difference between Chris Andersen and a bird trying to fly through a window? – Melissa Holzer, Allentown, PA, USA

I don't know. What is the difference between Chris Andersen and a bird trying to fly though a window?

About twenty milligrams of PCP! Ha ha ha! – Melissa Holzer, Allentown, PA, USA

Your address and telephone number have already been provided to Andersen's attorneys.

Hi GOOBNET, I have an awesome idea for a great game. It is called CHRIS ANDERSEN: THE REVENGE and it is just like GRAND THEFT AUTO except that you have to steal basketballs and lob them to nowhere in particular. Also the final villain is David Stern. Please I would like GOOBNET to help me develop this game. Profits will share 50/50 and we will make a great game and sell millions and be hugely successful. Write back please or call me [deleted]. I look forward to make great success with GOOBNET. – William Sogndal, Trondheim, Norway

I have a friend in Nigeria who would like to meet you.

The NBA is doing itself a disservice. This year's dunk contest needs the hilarity of Chris Andersen. I'm chaining myself to my mailbox until Andersen is allowed to be in the dunk contest. – Brad Rebaldry, Austin, TX, USA

Shut up. And get a haircut, you hippie.