WEEKLY WHINE

Tips for the geeky

As you are aware, Valentine's Day is coming up in certain jurisdictions. You know what that means.

Gentlemen, start your vomiting!

No, seriously, we know there's never been any love lost between us here at GoobNet and Valentine's Day. [Wakka wakka!] But this year we're prepared to put our differences aside for the greater good. In particular, we know there are many of you out there who are experiencing problems related to love, lust, or some combination thereof. These problems are exacerbated by the fact that you're a complete geek and that the phrase social ineptitude is a vast understatement to you. So thank your lucky stars [α, β, and γ Cancri] for this special edition of the GoobNet Mailbox: Tips for the Geeky!

Aren't you glad we're not a television show? We so would have had an annoying MSNBC-esque graphic for that.

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I'm a sophomore at Auburn, and I'm, let's say, a little awkward. There's this boy in a couple of my classes, and he's just soooo dreamy! But he's on the soccer team and he's this great athlete, and so I don't want him to find out how klutzy I am. Plus I don't know the first thing about soccer, and I don't want to sound stupid if he starts talking about the game he played last week. Help! – Vanessa Montesque, Auburn, AL, USA

If you don't understand football, whatever are you doing here at GoobNet?

No, seriously, you're in a bit of a bind. The only problem I see is this: it's all in your head! Many people tend to assume that a successful relationship requires some common interests. But if that was the case, there would be no relationships. People would be capable only of loving someone else who shared the exact same set of interests – that is, themselves. This would make procreation impossible, except in the case of hermaphrodites.

Fortunately, all you really have to do is feign interest in football, like Vickie Beckham. Most men can't tell the difference anyway. And if you're still looking for a conversation starter [or as it's known to actual humans, the pickup line], try "Can you teach me how to play soccer?". You'll know it's going well if he's kicking the ball away frequently, forcing you to run the length of the field to chase it down over and over again, making your shirt sweaty and making it cling to your breasts, which are roaming free because you don't own a sports bra.

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How do I understand what women mean? I was talking to this girl at a party, and suddenly she says to meet her upstairs. So she goes upstairs, and then I heard someone defending intelligent design, and so I argued with him for a while. Totally destroyed his arguments. Then, all of a sudden, the girl runs past with a sheet around herself, and then my friend Bolo comes over and says, "Dude, Jim, I think she was waiting for you up there. I thought it was the bathroom, I went in, and she's spread out naked on the bed. She shrieks, she's like 'You're not Jim!' and runs out." Does this mean that when girls say to "meet me upstairs", that really means they want to have sex? – Jim Nucksworth, Albany, NY, USA

You were at a party?! You're not eligible for this mailbox! You're too social!

Yes, it's well known that in the game of seduction, honesty is rare because it's a deterrent. Never tell a girl how big your penis really is; she'll laugh you out the door. Never tell a girl how big your Babylon 5 action figure collection is, no matter how much she seems to enjoy her Barbie dolls.

Anyway, women have learned this lesson better than men, which is why an entire code has developed amongst females. This code secretly conveys any conceivable message using seemingly unrelated phrases. The idea is, if you're too stupid to crack the code, you're not worth the effort, and if you have cracked the code, you must be a great catch. The downside is that knowing the code might also indicate that he's gay.

You may wonder, if this code can translate messages into words that seem to have nothing in common, why hasn't it been used as a military encryption scheme? In fact it has, by Germany just before the start of World War II. But it was easily broken by Britain, because once they translated it into English, their expert staff of women could immediately discern the intent.

To answer your question, if I can remember it, you're asking about the phrase "meet me upstairs". When you hear a woman suggest this, you must immediately consider the following: What is upstairs?. Add two points for each bedroom that is upstairs. Add one point for each closet, since they can serve either as makeout chambers or as solitary confinement chambers. Subtract one point for each room that would be a poor place to have sex: crowded lecture halls, bosses' offices, television studios. Alternatively, if you are an exhibitionist, count the crowded lecture hall or television studio as +1 point. If the total comes out positive, get in the mood by reviewing your bra removal procedures.

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I'm ready to lose my virginity. Should I do it with a guy, or with another girl? – Ayn Salcedo, San Juan, Puerto Rico, USA

If you feel the time is right, giving away your purity is an incredibly unique expression of love, since you can only do it once in your lifetime. You should choose someone you'll trust forever, someone who genuinely has your best interests at heart, someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.

Done laughing yet?

How about now?

Okay, so if that's sentimental bullshit, what's the truth? The truth is, you really will remember it for the rest of your life. At the most inopportune times, like when you're giving the State of the Union address, you'll suddenly think of the first time you ever had sex, and you'll say to yourself, I was really that clumsy?.

But whom should you lose your virginity with? That's easy. Whoever would be even more clumsy than you. That's how you draw attention away from yourself.

And if it is another girl, send us pictures.

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I'm in love with my fiancée, and I want the whole world to know! Also I am rapidly approaching Operating Thetan level. – Tommy Cruise, Los Angeles, CA, USA

Shut up.

It's not a joke this time. We really mean it. Shut the fuck up.