WEEKLY WHINE
In a couple of weeks, the UEFA Champions League will resume as the round of 16 matches begin. Where to turn for information about how the matches will go before they actually go? Don't turn anywhere; you're already looking at it.
These teams also met in last season's Champions League, in the quarterfinals. That was the first two leg series in Champions League history to go to penalties, which PSV won. But this time, Lyon will have the advantage as winners of Group F ahead of Real Madrid. In the first leg, multitasking PSV coach Guus Hiddink will, in a rare moment of confusion, attempt to start John Aloisi before a trip to the toilet will remind him that he's in the Northern Hemisphere.
That match will end 2-2, and in the second leg in Lyon, John Carew will play the entire match going "Ooba-ooba nai-nai-nai wolka-wolka gam-gam-gam-gam ooba-ooba nai-nai-nai wolka...". In fact, he will continue going "Ooba-ooba nai-nai-nai wolka-wolka gam-gam-gam-gam ooba-ooba nai-nai-nai wolka..." as he's celebrating the winning goal, which he will head in with just four minutes left. After the match, having thankfully stopped, he will explain, "Well, it is Silly Noise Saturday."
"Today's Wednesday," a reporter will respond.
Carew will contemplate this information, and then say, "Ooba-ooba nai-nai-nai wolka-wolka gam-gam-gam-gam ooba-ooba nai-nai-nai wolka...".
Aggregate result: PSV 02-03 Lyon
Bayern have never won a European series against Milan. Could that change this time? Well, it depends upon the meaning of the word could.
Milan already played a German club this season, with a win and a draw against Schalke 04 in Group E. Andriy Shevchenko, Pippo Inzaghi, and Kaká will all score two goals in this series, and Bayern coach Felix Magath will say, "Can we stop anything? Here. Throw that water bottle at me. I'll try to stop it." He won't.
Aggregate result: Bayern 00-06 Milan
Would you believe that Real Madrid have never played Arsenal in European competitions?
But you don't have to believe it. It's true either way. Real want to win in hopes that it will discourage Dave Beckham from ditching them for an English club. Prior to the first leg at the Estadio Santiago Bernabéu, reporters will ask Beckham about this subject. He will say, "Even if we lose, that won't mean I'll abandon this club for someone in England. After all, I'm a one club man. Though I might have to change my mind again about which club that is."
The matches will be even. So even, in fact, that the ball will never enter either penalty area in either match. With the aggregate scoreline 0-0, the second leg will go to overtime. But that is when the Highbury fans will witness a classic, as both sides explode. Arsenal will take a 3-0 lead after five minutes, but then Real will score five in the remainder of the first session. After the resumption, Arsenal will add four more, but with just two minutes left, Ronaldo will score after a Beckham free kick is saved, and then Raúl will score the equaliser. The match will end 5-5, with Real moving through on away goals.
A reporter will ask Arsenal's Robert Pirès, "How does it feel to be part of the last Champions League match at Highbury, and such a classic at that?" Pirès will respond, "The last Champions League match at Highbury? Why didn't anybody tell me? I was gonna score that sixth goal! Aw, crap! I feel dumb now! Well, no use crying over spilt cheese, right?"
Aggregate result: Real Madrid 05-05 Arsenal [F/OT; away goals 05-00]
Remember how there was a big fuss about whether to let Liverpool play in this season's Champions League? England were going to put Everton in the third qualifying round if they were forced to choose? Well, where's Everton now?
If you answered "just across the A580 from Anfield", you'd be right.
Anyway, Liverpool, who won in such dramatic fashion in last year's Champions League final in Istanbul [not Constantinople], will face Benfica in the round of 16. Benfica, defending Portuguese champions, met Liverpool three times previously; each time Liverpool were the winners.
This time, Benfica's Beto will take twelve shot attempts over the two legs. Sure enough, they will all be over the goalkeeper's two legs – and over the entire goal for that matter. His teammate Geovanni will take nine attempts, all wide to the left. Luis García will score early in the first leg to make the difference.
Aggregate result: Benfica 00-01 Liverpool
Ajax have lost four in a row to Italian clubs, all by 1-0 margins. When asked if the trend would continue, Ajax coach Danny Blind will respond, "No. That would be ridiculous."
It is ridiculous. Ajax lose two in a row to Inter, both by 2-0 margins.
Aggregate result: Ajax 00-02 Inter
Last year, Bremen lost to Lyon at this stage, by an aggregate score of 10-2. If you're wondering whether that's bad: yes.
Juve won Group A easily with fifteen points, and although Bremen barely escaped Group C on the tiebreaker against another Italian side, Udinese, they are a powerful team with stars like Miroslav Klose, Torsten Frings, and Naldo. Not the non-scoring Galaxy forward, the other Naldo.
This series is a new low for uniforms, as Juve's white and black stripes meet up with Bremen's orange and green halves. At each match, large portions of the crowd will turn away from the pitch, choosing instead to listen to the commentary on their radios. They will miss a classic encounter, though when highlights air on Fox Soccer Channel in the United States, decency concerns will cause FSC executives to demand that both teams' jerseys be blurred.
Aggregate result: Bremen 04-04 Juventus [away goals 01-02]
Villarreal are playing in the Champions League for the first time. Rangers are a Scottish club playing in the elimination phase of the Champions League for the first time. They will get together, and hilarity will ensue.
The Yellow Submarine of Villarreal will lose the first leg 3-2 in Glasgow, but on the return to Spain, Marcos Senna will score twice in the first fifteen minutes. Rangers coach Alex McLeish will be sacked in the 43rd minute, but during the halftime break, an emergency board meeting will rehire him. But in the 78th minute, Senna will complete his hat trick, and in the 82nd, McLeish will be out of a job again.
Aggregate result: Rangers 03-05 Villarreal
The 2006 edition of the Mourinho Cup opens at Stamford Bridge in London, where Chelsea played a spectacular match to win last season's encounter. But this time, Chelsea and Barcelona will actually play a boring match, which seems physically impossible. These teams will find a way to do it anyway.
But of course, the coaches will be yapping throughout. In a particularly bizarre twist, Barcelona's Frank Rijkaard will accuse José Mourinho of spiking Ronaldinho's Gatorade to make him play sluggishly. Mourinho will respond that Ronaldinho's "funny looking face" is finally catching up to him. Rijkaard will then accuse Mourinho of showboating, though in fairness the false boat in which the Chelsea coach rides from the locker room to the bench and back is not all that extravagant.
Aggregate result: Chelsea 01-01 Barcelona [away goals 00-01]
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