WEEKLY WHINE

Does not play well with others

No, we're not talking about "Dynamite Eating" Edvard van de Kamp, but that's not a bad guess. We're instead thinking of the US's secretary of defense, Don Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld offered to resign two years ago in the wake of the prisoner abuse scandals. The US's president, George W Bush, rejected. Hence, Rumsfeld is still the defense secretary, and several retired generals – including two who have served in Iraq – have criticised his judgment and his leadership style.

But why? Why would these retired generals say such things about the leader of the war on terror? Isn't that exactly what the terrorists want?

Or do the terrorists just want what everyone wants? You know, a nice home, a family, and burqas on every woman.

Either way, Edvard is here to help. You sent your questions to him, and he's answered them. Just as he's done in the past, which you can verify with the use of the Whine Control, up and to the right.

Dear Edvard: What are the criticisms that all these retired generals are slandering Secretary Rumsfeld with, and why do they hate our troops? – Helen O'Vannessey, Newport, RI, USA

Dear Helen: "Hate our troops"? They are our troops. Well, they're retired now, but they were our troops.

These retired generals are speaking out against Rumsfeld for a few reasons. Retired Maj Gen Paul Eaton, US Army, said that Rumsfeld's "cold warrior's view of the world" is harming the US. Retired Gen Anthony Zinni, Marines, is one of many to accuse Rumsfeld of poorly planning the postwar period. Retired Lt Gen Gregory Newbold, Marines, said that Rumsfeld's "casualness and swagger" have put the US in harm's way and that Rumsfeld is lacking in experience in the field.

Dear Edvard: How do we as voters express to our leaders in Washington that we're unhappy with the way the war is going and with those who are supposed to be leading it? – Carlos Nueva, Fort Worth, TX, USA

Dear Carlos: First, if you're not unhappy with the way the war is going and with those who are supposed to be leading it, just disregard these instructions.

If you are, you should write to your representative and to your senators. If you live in DC, Puerto Rico, or other US territories and therefore don't have a representative or senators [not voting ones, anyway], write to your nonvoting delegate and tell him or her to dress up as a staunch conservative like Ted Stevens. Actually, if your nonvoting delegate votes to censure Bush or Rumsfeld whilst posing as Stevens, everyone will know something's up. You'd better tell your nonvoting delegate to dress up as a moderate conservative like John McCain.

Dear Edvard: Why are all these generals helping the terrorists by attacking our leaders? – William Clowsoura, Lexington, KY, USA

Dear William: No more Fox News for you. The United States is a democracy, which means that openness and dialogue are essential to proper operations of the country. Secrecy and pretence are detrimental to proper operations of the country.

Dear Edvard: Is it time to give up the antiquated notion that the US is the "leader of the free world"? – Paul Giastol, Bronx, NY, USA

Dear Paul: Well, if the US isn't leading the free world, who is? And if the US is leading the free world, to where?

Dear Edvard: Can I have a cage match between Rumsfeld and the generals criticizing him? – Vince McMahon, New York City, NY, USA

Dear Vince: That's an idea that we here at GoobNet can get behind. Just don't put us at the Spanish announcers' table.

Dear Edvard: Who's your favourite of the unpatriotic retired generals? I like Batiste. He's cute. – Sharon Rate, White Sauce, KS, USA

Dear Sharon: What's so unpatriotic about them? What could be more patriotic than wanting your country to behave fairly and honestly as a valued member of the international community?

Dear Edvard: As a valued member of the international community, I would like to inform all of your American readers that the rest of the world does not hate America. We just hate Bush. – Mariana Tchekhyalovic, Balashikha, Russia

Dear Mariana: Well, to be honest, I for one don't hate George W Bush. He's a good man, friendly, and honest. He's just not cut out to run a baseball team, let alone the world's largest economic and military power.

Dear Edvard: Why is this thing with the retired generals and Rumsfeld such a big deal? Why can't people just listen carefully to each side and then come to their own conclusions for reasons of their own without resorting to attacking either side thoughtlessly? – Misty Wright, Chicago, IL, USA

Dear Misty: Because they're dumb.