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WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY SENT HUMOUR FORWARD THROUGH TIME! SEE OUR JOKE IN 2188

WEEKLY WHINE

Pulling out a massive hairball

Nathan: Hey everyone! Welcome to another GoobNet presentation of Whose Line Is It Anyway?. I'm Nathan, and before you ask: No, it's strictly ventilation. Here with us tonight: A stunning tour de force performance, Debbie Myers!

Debbie: [nods]

Nathan: Fun for the whole family, Reg Goober!

Reg: Yo.

Nathan: A thrilling post-MTV roller coaster ride, Deb Harratsch!

Deb: [holds arms up, leans backward]

Nathan: And, amazingly I'm not disappointed, Edvard van de Kamp!

Edvard: [blinks]

Nathan: Well, good to have all of us in town back again. We're gonna start with a game called Let's Make a Date. This one's for everybody, so come down here, guys. Reg, you're going to be the bachelor, and –

Reg: Not the Bachelor, right?

Nathan: Not unless you want to be.

Reg: I'll pass.

Nathan: Okay then. Reg, you're gonna be some sort of bachelor, and the others are going to be the bachelorettes. Yes, Edvard, bachelorettes.

Edvard: Dammit.

Nathan: Only you all have some strange thing that you're supposed to be, and it's on those cards there for you. And Reg is going to talk to them and –

Deb: What the fuck?

Nathan: Yeah, yours is good. I wanna see that one. And Reg is gonna try to figure out who they are. So whenever you want, Reg, go and start.

Reg: Hello ladies!

Edvard: Yeah, hi.

Reg: Hi. Bachelorette number one, hi!

Debbie: Good evening.

Reg: Okay. Bachelorette number one... If you and I were going to be in movies together, like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, what would it be called? Sleepless in Cincinnati, or You've Got Snails?

Debbie: [BBC News presenter who doesn't know her earpiece is picking up the others' thoughts] Many thanks indeed, bachelor. A new report from the UN states that our movie would be called Mike Brown versus the Hurricane; recently revealed posters contain the tagline "It's a heck of a movie!". In South Africa today... in South Africa... [turns to Reg] You don't think that's funny? You think that's in poor taste? Well, I'll show you poor taste! Today in London, Tony Blair headed a meeting of Labour MPs on the subject of the bachelor's living situation, stating that they, quote, "hope to get him out of his mother's basement as soon as possible".

Reg: Well, you sound like my kind of woman. Bachelorette number two, hello!

Edvard: What?

Reg: I like toast with jam and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. What foods do you like?

Edvard: [Deb's hairstylist who freaks whenever anything happens to her creation] Well, right now, anything except Cheez-Its, because those are going to cause the Kinks of the Century! I don't... hey, are those birds up there? [mimes opening umbrella over Deb] What? Like it's never happened to you!

Reg: Umm... okay. Bachelorette number three. If you could marry any president, which one would you marry and why?

Deb: [Sabrina the Teenage Witch experimenting with dirty spells] Yeah, just a sec. [holds hands to breasts] Ba-zhing! [moves hands outward] Yeah, that's more like it. Ba-zhing! [moves hands outward more] Why doesn't everybody do this?

Reg: All right. Bachelorette number one, back to you. Whom do you most admire?

Debbie: Definitely David Beckham, who today announced plans to learn the multiplication table. He says this will double his... beg your pardon. [to Debbie] What was that? You want me to do what with a banana?

Deb: I didn't say that.

Debbie: I think you did.

Edvard: [puts hands over Deb's hair] Hey, careful!

Debbie: [to Reg] Oh my god! I cannot believe you just said that! My solicitor will hear about this!

Reg: Okay. Well, bachelorette number two. What would you say you're most protective of?

Edvard: Well, if I told you that, it would just ruin the entire game. Just like throwing your head back in ecstasy is going to ruin your curls! We can not do this now! I told you this would happen! I told you! That buzz cut I showed you? Remember that? The Natalie Portman style? If we'd done that, we'd never have this problem!

Reg: Thanks, I guess. Bachelorette number three, whom would you rather be stranded on a desert isle with, the Burger King guy or the Cap'n Crunch guy?

Deb: [holding hand near crotch] Oh, oh yes, Salem! Harder! Ohhhh! [gasps] Oh, that was good. [stands up, puts hand between legs] What's this hairball doing here?

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Well, that was worth it. So Reg, know who they are?

Reg: I can try. Bachelorette number one was a temperamental BBC newsreader.

Nathan: Well, yeah, she's a BBC newsreader who...

Reg: Who... takes everything personally?

Nathan: Nnnnoooo....

Debbie: [puts hand to ear] Did you just say that I shag like a mink?

Reg: She hears voices in her head?

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Yeah, I'll take that. Her earpiece picks up everybody's thoughts.

Debbie: Obviously! Come on!

Reg: Oh, of course. Bachelorette number two is Deb's overprotective hairstylist.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Yep.

Reg: And bachelorette number three is the one I'd like to take to Acapulco.

Deb: I can't wait.

Reg: You're Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and you just got your hands on the adult spellbook.

Nathan: Yeah!

[Multiple buzzers]

Edvard: Hey Deb, can you make me more... you know?

Deb: Sure. Ba-zhing!

Edvard: Thanks. [uncrosses legs]

Nathan: Well, I'm sure we'll never be able to watch that show in the same way again.

Reg: TGIF.

Nathan: TGIF indeed. We'll give a thousand points to Salem there. So we'll go on now to a game called Number of Words. This one's also for everybody, and in this one, they're going to do a scene, but they each have to use a certain number of words. Deb, you can only say three words at a time. Reg, five words. Edvard, two words. And Debbie, one word. And the scene is: Austin Powers, played by Edvard, and Vanessa Kensington, played by Deb, arrive just in time to foil Dr Evil – Reg – and Frau Farbissina – Debbie. Edvard, two words. Reg, five words. Deb, three; Debbie, one. So go and start.

Edvard: Dr Evil.

Reg: Mr Powers. You found us.

Edvard: I... did.

Deb: Austin, stop him!

Edvard: [tilts head toward Deb] Women.... suck.

Reg: They certainly do, Mr Powers.

All: [laughter]

Edvard: I didn't...

Deb: [indignant] You did, Austin!

Edvard: But baby!

Deb: That's it, Austin! [stands next to Reg]

Reg: What are you doing, Vanessa?

Deb: I'm joining you.

Debbie: Hello.

Deb: Hi there, Frau. [shakes hands with Debbie]

Edvard: Vanessa, no!

Deb: [pointing to Edvard] Can you shoot?

Reg: I would love to, yes.

Deb: With the laser?

Reg: Yes. Fire the [finger quotes] "laser".... now.

Debbie: [screeching] FIRE!

Edvard: No, wait!

Debbie: What?

Edvard: I've got...

Deb: You've got what?

Reg: What have you got, Austin?

Edvard: A secret!

Reg: Rrriiight. I hate that show.

Edvard: How come?

Reg: The panellists are... all... freaks.

Debbie: Who?

Deb: Just like us?

Reg: Shut up! Shoot him now!

Debbie: [screeching] FIRE!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Debbie, I'm going to give you... one million points! [holds pinky to mouth]

Debbie: [screeching] THANKS!

Reg: [puts hand on Debbie's shoulder] It's okay. The game's over.

Nathan: Okay, well, let's move on to a game called Infomercial. Debbie and Deb, it's for you. Here's your box of stuff. They're going to do an infomercial for a miracle product, and they're going to use the stuff in that box there as part of the pitch. So now we need a suggestion for a type of miracle product. Something that a miracle product might do.

Audience: Build muscles! Grow hair! Make your vision better!

Nathan: Make your vision better? That sounds kind of interesting. Certainly different. So let's hear about the new miracle product that will improve your vision. Go and start, Debbie and Deb.

Debbie: So as soon as he went into the bathroom, he said, "Eat my wallet!"

Deb: [giggling] Tell him he can eat my wallet any time!

Debbie: [to camera] Oh! Hello!

Deb: Hi! It's noon, and it's time to shop shop shop!

Debbie: Can you see us?

Deb: Are you tired of sitting at home, watching people sell you useless stuff at ridiculous prices without being able to see if they're making faces at you?

Debbie: I sure am, Deb! That's why we've come up with this amazing new system that will help you reclaim your vision in just days.

Deb: That's right. The SuperSight Plus method is so easy, you can even do it if you're blind!

Debbie: Good thing, too!

Deb: That's right. Call this number now!

Debbie: If you can't read it, just dial random digits. You'll reach us eventually.

Deb: So, how does it work, Debbie?

Debbie: I'll show you. [picks up toaster] What does this look like to you?

Deb: A toaster?

Debbie: Correct. [tosses toaster aside] If you see something other than a toaster, that's how you know you're not done with the program yet.

Deb: Well, step one of the program is really very simple. [picks up propellor beanie, holds it in front of Debbie's face] Just stare at this for five minutes per day. This will exercise your pupils and get you ready for step two. [puts beanie away] Hey Debbie, tortilla.

Debbie: [makes clucking sounds]

Deb: It's that simple!

Debbie: That's right, Deb. And here's what you use in step two. [picks up spatula]

Deb: Yes, it is. What do you do with it?

Debbie: I'll show you. [presses spatula against Deb's nose] What causes bad vision? Pressure in the eyes. [points to Deb's eyes] We've got to let that pressure out, and we do that by applying pressure to the nose. This helps the eyes move about more comfortably and makes it easier for you to focus. [puts spatula away]

Deb: And it duzzit bake your dose feel straage at all.

Debbie: That's right.

Deb: So once you've done that, it's time for step three.

Debbie: You may want to use these. [puts on mittens]

Deb: [puts Tupperware container over Debbie's head] If you have a lot of hair, you'll want to use this to get it out of your eyes.

Debbie: You know, I'm eager, but also a little scared.

Deb: There's no need to be, Debbie. [picks up two flashlights] Just follow the lights. [holds flashlights together, moves them around in front of Debbie] Have a friend move the lights around like this while you keep watching them. It's very important that you keep watching both lights, especially... now! [suddenly moves flashlights apart]

Debbie: [blinks]

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Good job. Twenty points for each of you.

Debbie: What, that's it?

Nathan: Yeah. Twenty, twenty. Well, I thought it was good. We're going to go on now to a game called Quick Change. This one's for Reg, Deb, and Edvard. Reg and Deb are going to do a scene, but whenever Edvard says "Change", they'll have to change what they just said as fast as they can. Reg and Deb, your scene is: Two scientists can't hide their feelings for each other just as they're about to perfect their time machine. So that's your scene, Edvard's gonna say "Change", and go and start.

Deb: Is the quantum oscilloscope ready?

Reg: Let me just turn it on. Beep... beep... beep.

Edvard: Change.

Reg: Pong... pong... pong.

Edvard: Change.

Reg: Burp... burp... burp.

Deb: I love the sound of a quantum oscilloscope.

Reg: Know what else I love, Irene?

Deb: What's that, Frank?

Edvard: Change.

Deb: What's that, Federico?

Edvard: Change.

Deb: What's that, Felix?

Edvard: Change.

Deb: What's that, Funster?

Edvard: Change.

Deb: What's that, Ffff... Flashpants?

Edvard: Change.

Deb: ...What was your name again?

Reg: I know. I'm so excited I can't remember my name either.

Deb: Can you imagine what will happen if this experiment works?

Reg: Yeah. Whole new worlds will open up for our study.

Edvard: Change.

Reg: Whole new cheeses will be known to man.

Edvard: Change.

Reg: Whole new types of doughnuts will come to us from the future.

Edvard: Change.

Reg: Whole new sexual positions will be discovered.

Deb: Yeah. [double take] What?

Reg: Oh Irene, I can't hide my feelings any more! Ever since you got that new, low cut lab coat, I can't keep my eyes off you! You make me feel so alive! I wouldn't want to work on the Chronostamp project with anyone else!

Deb: Oh Flashpants... what are you saying?

Reg: [holds Deb's hands] Irene... I want to jump through that time portal with you.

Deb: What? Now?

Reg: Well, obviously not now. The Hall effect tube isn't connected yet.

Edvard: Change.

Reg: The platinum plant isn't at full size.

Edvard: Change.

Reg: The hollow screen cup isn't inverted.

Edvard: Change.

Reg: The dynamic kazoo is still spinning.

Edvard: Change!

Reg: The tea kettle's still quiet.

Edvard: Change!

Reg: The clone-o-mat hasn't grown your extra head yet.

Edvard: Change!

Reg: I'm hungry.

Deb: Me too. Think they still have In-n-Out in the future?

Reg: There's only one way to find out.

Deb: Start the reactor and let's go.

Edvard: Change.

Deb: Kick the can and let's blow this joint.

Edvard: Change.

Deb: Pump the tank and let's smell each other.

Edvard: Change.

Deb: Change the baby and let's fight.

Edvard: Change.

Deb: Um... grab the bat and let's kick Edvard's ass.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: There's an idea.

Deb: God, I hate that game.

Edvard: I don't know. I kinda liked it.

Nathan: So one thousand points there for Irene and Flashpants.

Reg: Irene and Flashpants.

Nathan: Sounds like a duo from the slapstick era. "Irene and Flashpants in... The Dynamic Kazoo!" Well, anyway, we're going to go now to a game called... Scenes from a Hat! [holds up Caltech baseball cap]

Debbie: Yaaaay!

Nathan: And what we do here is, we had our audience write down stuff, suggestions for us to do, and they're all here in this hat, and they're going to do as many as they can, starting with... [draws a paper] "Awkward moments lightened by song."

Reg: [singing] Where's your dog? Where's your dog?
I ran over him and now he's a log!

[Buzzer]

Edvard: [singing] Your... plastic surgery... waaas a wreck...

[Buzzer]

Nathan: "Things you shouldn't say to Barry Bonds."

Debbie: Hi Barry. Just gonna sit in your La-Z-Boy here. Whoops! Spilled my beer all over it. Is that leather? That's gotta be hard to get out, right? Why do you keep playing that hip hop on your boom box, anyway? Here we go. Some light muzak for you. I mean, you look like you need a chill pill. You know a thing or two about pills, right?

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Okay. "What the retired generals are really saying about Donald Rumsfeld."

Reg: Oh my god! Those glasses? Ewww! At least his ties are GQ. That blue one he had on yesterday? I was like, Ooh, I want some of that!

[Buzzer]

Debbie: Okay, fifty bucks says he goes after Judy Woodruff today.

[Buzzer]

Deb: "The army you have, not the army you want to have"? Here's a boot up your ass! Is it the boot up your ass you have, or the boot up your ass you want to have?

[Buzzer]

Nathan: "The good thing about England."

Debbie: [stands there]

[Buzzer]

Nathan: I said the good thing about England.

Debbie: Ah.

Deb: Nathan doesn't live there.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: There are fifty days out of the year when it doesn't rain!

[Buzzer]

Nathan: "Great movie moments performed by Mike Tyson."

Deb: [as Tyson] Maybe not today, maybe not tomowwow. But soon, and fow the west of youw wife.

[Buzzer]

Reg: Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Gay-chicks is.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Was it over when the Bolivians bombed Pearl Harbor?

[Buzzer]

Nathan: "When honesty might not be the best policy."

Deb: I am so liquored up right now, it's not even funny.

[Buzzer]

Nathan: Yeah, well, we kinda want you to be funny and all.

Deb: That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

Edvard: [to Debbie] I think we should start seeing other people.

Debbie: But... why? Is it me?

Edvard: It's your farts.

[Buzzer]

Deb: Reg is an incompetent boss.

[Buzzer]

Reg: Deb is an incompetent employee.

[Buzzer]

Edvard: [to Reg] Mr Dalton, there's something you should know before you decide whether to promote me. [mimes taking off his clothing] I'm a nudist.

[Buzzer]

Debbie: [to Deb] Ms Jackson, there's something you should know before you decide whether to hire me. [mimes removing something from her crotch] I've got hairballs.

[Multiple buzzers]

Nathan: All right, all right! Reg, you're our winner today! Reg, you win and we lose, so that means [stands up] our penance is a... Hoedown!

Edvard: Yaaay.

Nathan: Rachael Wright at the piano, everybody!

Rachael: [salutes]

Nathan: And what we want from you is someplace you go to unwind.

Audience: The beach! Bar! Library! Outer space! Seattle!

Nathan: Who the hell said "outer space"? Yeah, we all go to outer space to unwind. Anybody have some good ideas?

Audience: Library! The bar! Seattle! My pants!

Nathan: Library. Let's do that. So Rachael, go and start the Library Hoedown.

Rachael: [plays hoedown]

Debbie: I love the library, it's full of stuff to read.
I can make my way down there when I feel the need.
I like to spend all my time in the magazines
Reading 'bout Tom Cruise makin' another scene!

Nathan: I tend to be mighty unlucky.
I went flying in the shelves; I am that clumsy.
I landed on two dictionaries, and one knocked me flush.
I guess a word in the head is worth two in the tush.

Deb: I get bored studying, oh it makes me cry!
But then I ran into this really hottie guy.
I was so excited I dashed into a stall,
Where I pulled out a maaass-sive hairball!

Edvard: I'm in love with a liii-brarian, I am.
She and I start making out right at six PM.
Then when I start moving my fingers to her bush,
She looks up at me and tells me to shush!

All: Tells me to shuuuuuush!

Nathan: [returns to desk] All right, way to go everybody. We're going to finish up with Deb and Reg reading the credits, and I'd like you guys to read the credits as Irene and Flashpants. Good night everybody!

Reg: Irene, is Debbie Myers done fixing our quantum inverter?

Deb: Oh Flashpants, you know the quantum inverter is nothing without our love!

Reg: Yes, but first we have to fight off those aliens that Edvard van de Kamp gave a lift to.

Deb: I'll take care of it, Flashpants! [mimes shooting Debbie, Edvard]

Reg: Wow, Irene! I always said you're a better shot than Deb Harratsch!

Deb: That's not the only weapon I can handle, Flashpants.

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