WEEKLY WHINE

Stay where you are

This document was intercepted from a coat pocket in a closet at the headquarters of Germany's 2006 Men's World Cup organising committee. When uncreased, it depicts a critical component of security that will be in place during the tournament. This document is now being posted publicly for the first time. – NGB

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MEMORANDUM

FROM: Markus Schilberg, Chief Security Investigator

TO: Security directors, all World Cup match venues

SUBJECT: Investigation on the Topic of Pitch Invasions

As you know, one of the greatest dangers to a football match is foolhardy louts wandering onto the pitch whilst the match is in progress. Such events only serve to make us look like morons, to interrupt the match needlessly, and to promote that stupid casino website that those streakers always get paid to promote on their bodies.

By this point you should already have received notice 3KF, which provides guidance on where to place your security guards to deter pitch invaders. It may sound obvious that the correct place is the first row, but in fact this was the product of an extensive investigation by our group, the results of which are summarised below.

FIRST ROW

Our research tells us that nearly all pitch incursion events begin in the first row, when someone decides to decrement their row number by one, despite being fully cognizant of the fact that there is no row zero.

SECOND ROW

Those in the second row can easily decrement their row number by one, thus placing them in the first row. In this case, see above.

THIRD ROW

Those in the third row can easily decrement their row number by one, thus placing them in the second row. In this case, see above.

FOURTH ROW

Those in the fourth row can easily...

[29 recursive paragraphs omitted]

CONCOURSE

Those in a concourse can easily enter the lower deck at the last row. In this case, see above.

UPPER DECK

Those in an upper deck can easily leave the upper deck and enter the concourse. In this case, see above.

FIELD LEVEL

Those at field level have already invaded the pitch. Hence, by definition, no pitch incursion events can begin at this level.

AIRCRAFT ABOVE THE VENUE

Those in aircraft above the venue can only invade the pitch if they are equipped with parachutes. For this reason, parachutes are to be banned throughout Germany for the duration of the tournament.