WEEKLY WHINE
Okay, so Togo are out of the 2006 Men's World Cup. And you could argue that they were never really in it to begin with. But not if you ask the media, who have been gleefully covering Togo's antics and misadventures in Germany. Togo may well have been worth more column inches than Ronaldo's weight, though not as many as England's wives and girlfriends.
Nonetheless, with the Sparrowhawks on the flight home, it's time to look back at their campaign. And we might actually talk about football whilst we're at it.
Rock Gnassingbe, president of the Fédération Togolaise de Football, reveals that Togo's players have been embrolied in a dispute with the federation over their bonuses for participating in the World Cup. The players are demanding an astonishing US$200,000 each, plus another US$40,000 for each win. By comparison, the cash loaded Saudi Arabian federation will be paying its players only US$27,000 per win.
Gnassingbe says, "We have nearly reached an agreement with our players. We have already acceded to their demands for bowls of M&Ms in all their hotel rooms, but no green ones."
Edwige Madze Badakou, a Togolese student, wins the Miss World Cup pageant. In the interview portion, she is asked what she would do with a 100 Grand. She replies, "I'd eat it."
In the postpageant press conference, an American reporter asks her, "So you're a fan of the 100 Grand bar?"
She says, "The what?"
One week before their first match against the Korea Republic, the FTF announces that it has reached an agreement with the team. The federation won't announce the figures but will say that it's less than the players initially demanded. M&M distributors fire up the trucks, and hotel staffers at the team's base in Wangen begin to practise their sorting skills.
The tournament kicks off with Germany's 4-2 win over Costa Rica, but in Togo's camp, all is not well. Edem Kodjo, prime minister of Togo, arrives in Germany to help resolve the pay dispute.
Reporters say, "Didn't you say you reached an agreement on Tuesday?"
Gnassingbe answers, "Well, we meant 'reached an agreement' in the sense of 'didn't reach an agreement'."
Elsewhere in the tournament, a hundred members of Togo's official supporters' organisation land in Germany – and are denied visas. Germany requires bank statements as part of visa applications, but most of the Sparrowhawk fans don't have bank accounts.
The irony, of course, is that Mastercard, not Visa, is the official World Cup sponsor.
Otto Pfister, coach of Togo, decides to become the former coach of Togo. He says, "When I started to be manager of Togo, I was promised that bonuses for the players would be cleared. That is still not the case, so I decided to quit immediately."
Shocked, Kodjo says that he will do anything within his power to ensure that Pfister stays on, including as he says "providing Coach Pfister with all the green M&Ms that the players refused."
Pfister's assistant, Kodjovi Mawuena, takes over the helm. He previously played for Togo and wore the captain's armband. He doesn't say much about his plans, except that he will make the team "leave it all out on the pitch and give 110%".
As he leaves the press conference, the press photographs a copy of Joe Torre's Big Blue Book O' Sports Clichés emerging from Mawuena's back pocket.
Togo reach a historic milestone as the first team at a Men's World Cup to have three coaches. Pfister says that after speaking with the federation and with his players, he will return to his post.
But according to one member of the FTF, Mawuena is still the coach.
And according to Winfried Schäfer, he is in negotiations to become the coach.
Vince McMahon immediately telephones Gnassingbe, offering to arrange a three way cage match involving Pfister, Mawuena, and Schäfer. McMahon says, "The slogan will be: 'Three men enter. One man leaves. And if his hips still work, he'll be the coach.'"
Togo take the pitch against Korea Rep... and Otto Pfister is sitting on the bench. But he soon regrets his decision as the Sparrowhawks fall 2-1. Mohamed Kader puts Togo ahead in the first half, but Jean-Paul Abalo is sent off early in the second half, and the Koreans make the most of their man advantage.
After the match, the press asks Abalo what happened. He says, "I don't know. I hope I didn't eat a green M&M by accident."
In the aftermath of the loss, the outside world begins to see that there is a rift in the FTF's offices. Some, like secretary general Assogbavi Komlan, want Mawuena as coach. Others stand behind Pfister. McMahon spends the entire day on the telephone, this time trying to set up a tag team battle.
Meanwhile, Pfister considers legal action against Komlan, who claimed that Pfister was drinking too much after the match. Pfister insists that he doesn't drink alcohol at all. The nation of Germany immediately disowns him.
A new wrinkle emerges as it is discovered that Togo forward Sheyi Adebayor, walking in the streets of Frankfurt the evening before the Korea Rep match, saw an M&Ms advertising display that featured a green M&M.
Elsewhere, the team has a flight to Dortmund for the next day's match against Switzerland. They are not on it.
Panic grips the west African nation of Togo as it becomes clear that the players are threatening to boycott the match unless they receive more money. The team's FIFA delegate swoops in to resolve the crisis, reminding the players that if they walked out from the match, they would be fined heavily, and Togo could be banned from international competition. Furthermore, according to a spokesperson, "All players involved would have to wear a scarlet L on their jersey at every match they ever play for the rest of their careers, be it an international match, a club match, or just a pickup match at the park down the street."
A reporter asks the spokesperson what the L would represent.
The response is, "I think Beck can address that better than I can." He presses play on a large tape deck, and a brief guitar solo is heard, followed by the lines "Soy un perdedor. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me."
In the end, the players board the plane for Dortmund and have an uneventful flight, except when the pilot says, "We are now beginning our approach into Dortmund. Flight attendants, prepare the green M&Ms for arrival."
Several players begin to scream.
"Gotcha," says the pilot.
Togo fall 2-0 to Switzerland. Adebayor is brought down by Patrick Müller in the area, but the referee refuses his claims for a penalty. The Sparrowhawks succeed in limiting Switzerland's scoring chances, but not Switzerland's efficiency on scoring chances.
After the match, the FTF promises to pay the players. They don't. Captain Abalo asks Gnassingbe what the hell is going on and is told that the cheques are in the mail.
Abalo tells his teammates that Gnassingbe promised that the cheques are in the mail. There is general acceptance, until midfielder Alexis Romao says, "Why the hell do they need to mail them? They're staying right down the hall from us."
"Yeah, you're right," Abalo replies.
The players return to Gnassingbe's hotel room, where they discover he is watching Doctor Who.
Back in Togo, newspapers demand changes at the highest level of the FTF, calling for the entire leadership to be sacked. According to Le Republicain, "Beleaguered in the bonuses affair, the Hawks did not play well. We are sick of it in Togo, and all that went on in Germany is a reflection of this country unfortunately."
The Forum de la Semaine also blasted the FTF: "Whether the World Cup finals adventure ended prematurely or not, the players deserved not only to compete in it, but also to be allowed not to feel for once like a flock of sheep by the directors of the federation."
And in Le Journal de Non-Existence, Matthew Madeup wrote, "Let us not forget that these brave men journeyed to a country where they still throw bananas at people like us. They visited a land where losing in the quarterfinals is a 'disappointment' and walked away with their heads held high. The least we can do for them is pretend that there is no such thing as green M&Ms."
Later in the day, FIFA agree to ensure that the players are paid out of the bonus fund of CHF7,000,000 that goes to every World Cup team eliminated in the group phase. The exact figure is not revealed, though FIFA director of communications Markus Siegler offers to reveal it to the press in the form of the Dice Game from The Price Is Right.
The press declines. In fact, reporters ignore the most significant revelation of the day, namely that the amount paid to each player contains no zeros, nor any digits higher than six.
Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA, says that the disciplinary committee will open a case investigating the conduct of the FTF. He says, "After the tournament is over, we will examine the way the Togolese administrators and players acted, what they wore, where they ate, why they ate, and the location of their secret green M&M stash."
In the evening, Togo lose to France 2-0, finishing at the bottom of Group G with no points, one goal scored, and six conceced. They keep close with les Bleus for most of the match, but birthday boy Patrick Vieira and Thierry Henry score during a six minute span in the second half. Blatter attends the match in Köln and says to Pfister, "So are you the original coach or the new guy?"
Abalo walks into the Wangen hotel, carrying a handful of envelopes. "Our bonuses are in!" he shouts.
The excited players crowd around him as he hands the envelopes out. Goalkeeper Kossi Agassa asks Abalo, "What happened to the candy?"
"The M&Ms?" Abalo replies. "We got those already."
Agassa says, "No, the 100 Grand bars."
Says Abalo, "What the hell are you talking about?"
"We held out for two 100 Grand bars apiece, right?"
"No," Abalo says. "We held out for two hundred thousand dollars apiece."
Agassa simply asks, "What? Two hunded thousand dollars?!"
"Yeah. Two hundred grand, not two 100 Grand bars."
Agassa is at a loss for words. Finally he says, "That's a lot of 100 Grand bars."
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