WEEKLY WHINE

You stump Edvard

Congratulations. You’ve been named Time magazine’s person of the year.

This is yet another copout for the formerly influential magazine, which named the American soldier person of 2003, the American commander in chief person of 2004, and some obscenely rich people people of last year. This year, the magazine reasoned that the Internet has enabled the instantaneous sharing of critical information and knowledge, on sites such as Myspace and Youtube.

So, how are you celebrating your honour? By posting “lol im times prson of yr!!!1!!1!one!” on a message board? By downloading a video of a CGI girl whose head is in the wrong place? Or by sending a question about it to our very own person of the last few days, “Dynamite Eating” Edvard van de Kamp? If you didn’t, it’s not too late. Well, okay, it is, technically.

Dear Edvard: With that magazine naming me person of the year, do I get a reward of any sort, and can I now earn thousands of dollars per speaking appearance? – Paulie Paulingsforth, Cheyenne, WY, USA

Dear Paulie: You do not get a reward of any sort, other than, of course, the satisfaction of a job well done. As to whether you can earn thousands of dollars per speaking appearance, I don’t know. Call up your local Rotary chapter and say, “Hi. I’m Time magazine’s person of the year. Can I have thousands of dollars to speak to you?”

Dear Edvard: I hope you’re happy. I’ve received over a hundred calls saying, “Hi. I’m Time magazine’s person of the year. Can I have thousands of dollars to speak to you?”. And I’m not even a Rotarian. – Roger Armstrong, Cheyenne, WY, USA

Dear Roger: That’s because your telephone number is 307-555-ROTA.

Dear Edvard: Since I’ve uploaded 8,320 videos to Youtube, does that mean I’m entitled to more credit as Time’s person of the year? – Charlie Tucksville, St Petersburg, FL, USA

Dear Charlie: You are not entitled to any credit whatsoever. And that 8,318th video, “guypantsonfire3”, was lousy.

Dear Edvard: Congratulations, you, on being named Time’s person of the year. You are indeed a person. – Samuel Powell, Newcastle, England, UK

Dear Samuel: Thanks.

Dear Edvard: I have a two part question. Is this the most people that Time has ever named person of the year simultaneously, and on which page am I featured? – Bonnie Jährnensperger, Salzburg, Austria

Dear Bonnie: This is the most people that Time has ever named person of the year simultaneously since 1958, when “Every Person Who Ever Lived” was the person of the year. You were featured, Bonnie, on page 88,219,343, second column, paragraphs 8 and 9.

Dear Edvard: My copy of this week’s Time doesn’t have a page 88,219,343. – Adrienne Chen, Berkeley, CA, USA

Dear Adrienne: Call Time and complain.

Dear Edvard: Isn’t Youtube just another version of the old copyright infringing version of Napster? – Sal Sabronowitz, New York City, NY, USA

Dear Sal: If I say yes, are you going to file your lawsuit immediately, or will you at least take a minute or two to think it over?

Dear Edvard: Why does everyone and their mother want to take credit for being the person of the year? – Linda Fïllar, Tumba, Sweden

Dear Linda: Because they’re dumb.