WEEKLY WHINE

Supporters on patrol

Alarmingly, many European police officers are guilty of a heinous crime: icky blue uniforms.

Yet there is an even worse crime than this, one that threatens the very fabric of our society instead of just the fabric that they wear. We are, of course, talking about football.

Police in other countries invariably tend to assume that all English fans are hooligans, when in fact the heavyhanded tactics and inability to recognise the situation around them has turned conventional wisdom on its head and proven that in fact the police are the hooligans.

Are you considering attending an upcoming UEFA Champions League or UEFA Cup match? Wouldn’t you like to know whether there are going to be violent incidents that will be escalated, rather than defused, by the local police force? GoobNet knows, and we’re going to help you succeed in all your not-getting-beaten-up-by-crazed-cops goals.

TUE 10 APR 2007: MANCHESTER UNITED – ROMA

Last week, of course, was not a good one for Manchester United. Their 2-1 loss at Roma was marred by violence in and around the stadium, touched off when both groups of fans charged toward a barrier separating them. The carabinieri attacked the Man U fans and completely ignored the Roma fans.

But when Roma arrive for the second leg of their UEFA Champions League quarterfinal, their fans will come with them and will be so convinced of the threat of violent behaviour by the home fans that they will all hide in their hotel rooms until the kickoff. Meanwhile, public service announcements in Manchester will encourage United supporters: “Don’t be a donsiblee. Drink responsibly.” To which United supporters will respond: “Are they fookin’ having us on?”

Because stadium security has advanced further in England, much potential trouble will be avoided by entry searches. Amongst the dangerous items confiscated from Roma fans will be flares, car headlights, hardened loaves of French bread, pipe wrenches, toaster ovens, cans of air freshener, copies of Dan Brown novels, packages of freeze dried ice cream, action figures of Family Guy characters, fish and chip baskets, ladies’ undergarments, partially melted Fudgsicles, and ridiculously large pairs of sunglasses.

Result: Manchester United 01-00 Roma [Agg 02-02; Man Utd win on away goals 01-00]

Arrests: Manchester United 14, Roma 19

Beatdowns: Manchester United 2, Roma 5

THU 12 APR 2007: TOTTENHAM – SEVILLA

Sevilla supporters will celebrate Yuri’s Night with a trip to the greater London area, where they will travel in fear of retribution from bobbies and from Spurs fans. But on the first count they will receive a pleasant surprise, as Sevilla fans will meet friendly police officers at each landmark they visit, including the Tower of London, Greenwich Observatory, Regents Park, and the place where Britney Spears first got the idea to shave her head.

During the match, Sevilla fans will shout at their Tottenham counterparts, “You’re ugly!” The Spurs supporters will reply, “You’re uglier!” The Sevilla fans will say, “You’re ugliest!” The Spurs supporters’ response will be: “Dammit!”

Result: Tottenham 00-00 Sevilla [Agg 01-02]

Arrests: Tottenham 22, Sevilla 16

Beatdowns: Tottenham 1, Sevilla 1