WEEKLY WHINE

How do you not go to the bathroom in space

As you are no doubt aware, STS-124 successfully delivered the Kibo laboratory module to the International Space Station last week. It also successfully delivered a pump to the International Space Station’s toilet. Ask the astronauts and cosmonauts which of the two are more important.

But what would a space toilet repair mission be without scatological humour from the general public? Apparently, such a thing would be unthinkable, and so we thank all of you, the general public, for giving us the straight shit.

Ha ha! Beat you to it!

Seriously, though, the pump was in the urine collection system, not the solid waste disposal system. So if you made a scatological joke, you’re wrong. Either way, though, this is probably the most dangerous GoobNet Mailbox in history. If you’re absolutely sure that you want to continue, enter the Sterilisomator and breathe in the pungent aromas of ammonia, citric acid, and pine needles.

What do astronauts do when their toilet breaks? Are they just supposed to hold it in, or do they have a bucket, or what?

– Connie LeMonitay
Orleans, VT, USA

On the International Space Station, urine collection bags are used as a backup to the urine collection system. And yes, urine collection bags are exactly what they sound like.

It must be fun to urinate in space. Do the astronauts put a tube on their penis and then open the other end of the tube to outer space? That sounds like it would be dangerous.

– Ken Claide
Adelaide, SA, Australia

No. If they did that, they wouldn’t need a pump.

How many cosmonauts does it take to replace a space toilet pump?

– Sergei Asmindayev
Kaliningrad, Russia

Just one: Oleg Kononenko.

If they have a broken pump on the space station toilet, they could just use their mouth to suck on the pipe.

– Chris Porter-Monroe
Blacksburg, VA, USA

You go ahead.

I heard that Oleg Kononenko fixed the toilet on the International Space Station today. I bet I know what the other astronauts on the station were saying to him: “You’re number one! You’re number one!”

– Adrian Gomes
Austin, TX, USA

That’s adorable.

All the jokes about the broken toilet on the space station are sexist. Admittedly, the current ISS crew is all male, but there have been plenty of women on the station, and just about every Space Shuttle mission these days has at least one woman. So why have all the jokes related to the penis rather than the vulva?

– Brittany Walker
Annapolis, MD, USA

One vulva says to the other, “Wow, that space station toilet is really uncomfortable, isn’t it?”

The other vulva says, “Yeah, it sure sucks!”

My son wants to be an astronaut. He heard about the broken toilet on the International Space Station, and now all he wants to do is urinate in plastic bags. How do I get him to stop?

– Kesha Proscetti
Barbuda Village, NY, USA

Get a replacement toilet pump from Russia in a diplomatic pouch, and then have him install it.

Urine is funny.

– Scott Clammoy
Pittsburgh, PA, USA

Shut up.