WEEKLY WHINE

The gay wedding planner

You will recall that last month, the supreme court in the US state of California authorised homosexual couples to get married. The response from around the US was: “Oh... my god!”

Of course, that was immediately challenged, and a group of narrowminded assholes – I mean religious conservatives – are trying to add a ballot initiative that would amend the state constitution to make it more narrowminded and assholic. But a number of gay couples are already planning their wedding ceremonies, so are you really going to be the one to cast a vote that will annul all of those weddings?

Those of you who said “yes”, prepare to have sewage pumped into your anti-gay suits by a mustachioed Robert DeNiro.

Those who are still here may include a group of individuals who would like to travel to California [if you’re not already here] and get married to someone who happens to have a similar set of reproductive organs.

The only way to do that is with this special edition of the GoobNet Mailbox: The Gay Wedding Planner!

That’s the (gay wedding) planner, not the gay (wedding planner).

My life partner and I have been together for thirty one years. For our thirty second anniversary, we are planning to travel to California and get married legally. San Francisco is probably going to be a popular locale, but are there any other out of the way places that would be good for us to have a small, secluded ceremony?

– Constantino d’Amatour
Sault Ste Marie, MI, USA

Palm Springs is a good location, although reports from there say that it will also be crowded. You may also wish to consider sites along the north and central coasts, like Monterey, Carmel, Eureka, Salinas, or Santa Cruz.

You straight people have it lucky. My partner and I both have to buy wedding dresses, and those things are damn expensive. Isn’t there some way to get a package deal on two wedding dresses?

– Chamise Elford
Whittier, CA, USA

You mean besides appearing on Gay Wedding Week on Millionaire? For this question, we had to turn to the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] and Wen, whose best friend Shinai is a wedding dress designer. Here’s what she said.

First things first. Congratulations on getting married! It’s a big step, but I want to do everything I can to make sure that your wedding is just as perfect as you always pictured it. That’s why I’m making this exclusive offer to all GoobNet readers. Come to my studio in San Pedro, and I’ll show you all of the styles I’ve been working on, including my revolutionary Matching-but-Not-Identical line that’s designed especially for lesbian couples. And be sure you say the magic words “By the way, I kind of noticed that that site called GoobNet is halfway decent.” When you say those words, I’ll know that you’re a fellow GoobNet reader, and I’ll make sure to give you my special BTWIKNTTSCGIHD discount. And remember, here at Wedding Dresses by Shinai, we believe that you shouldn’t have to pay an arm and a leg just because you slip your arms between each other’s legs.

– Shinai
Wedding Dresses by Shinai

We would also like to take this opportunity to congratulate Shinai on that slogan, which we believe is the best advertising slogan since “Keep Austin Weird”.

By the way, Millionaire, Gay Wedding Week would be a ratings bonanza: “For a hundred dollars: In a marriage ceremony between two men, the grooms traditionally wear what? Tuxedoes, golf pants, bérets, or ‘I Heart David Beckham’ shirts?”

One of my [straight] friends got married recently, and I caught his bride’s garter. The story must be true, because the day after that, the California Supreme Court decided to allow gay marriages. So my partner and I are going to San Jose next weekend to get married. But I’m a little puzzled by something. We’d like to toss something, like the bouquet and the garter, but we don’t know what. Neither of us wants to carry around a bouquet, or wear a garter, so what do we toss?

– Frederick Pontmorde
High Point, TX, USA

I think that the best solution is to grab a bouquet from somewhere and toss it around. But I’d also like to share with you some of the other ideas I heard around the office.

Amber Lynn said, “They should toss each other’s boutonnières.”

Rich said, “Just toss the pillow that the rings came off of.”

Gaby said, “How about slices of the cake?”

Nina said, “How about the knife they used to cut the cake? If you catch it, you’re getting married next, assuming you’re still alive.”

Reg said, “They should toss each other.”

We cannot allow same sex marriages. If we do, we will have to allow computers to marry each other. Do you really want that?

– Stanley Kurtz
New York City, NY, USA

Yes. In fact, I think Reg’s laptop wants to propose to Amber Lynn’s Playstation 2. I think it’s sweet that she doesn’t care that he’s obsolete.