WEEKLY WHINE

Trying new things

We can’t think of anything about which to write, and that means it’s time to issue another fresh batch of GoobNet’s Misfortune Cookies.

• SPEND TOMORROW READING A BOOK, ESPECIALLY IF YOU WORK AS A PROOFREADER

• YOUR FLY IS UNZIPPED. MADE YOU LOOK!

• REMEMBER WHEN YOU NEARLY CRASHED INTO THAT ONE GUY ON THE FREEWAY, BUT YOU SWERVED AWAY JUST IN TIME, AND THEN THAT OTHER GUY HAD TO SWERVE OUT OF YOUR WAY, AND HE ALMOST CRASHED INTO THE RAIL? THAT WAS AWESOME

• I’M TRYING NOT TO FALL ASLEEP AT THE KEYBIOHBNDGF

• ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

• BRITISH FORTUNE COOKIES CAN BE DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND, EVEN FOR BRITISH PEOPLE. THIS IS JOHN OLIVER, SPEAKING FOR AUDIO FORTUNE COOKIES

• OIL WILL REACH US$150 PER BARREL WITHIN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS

• TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO LEARN SYNCHRONISED DIVING

• NETWORK ANNOUNCEMENT TO ALL FORTUNE COOKIE USERS: SCHEDULED FORTUNE COOKIE DOWNTIME IS MONDAYS, 03:00-05:00 ET

• TRY NEW THINGS. SHAVE A BODY PART YOU’VE NEVER SHAVED BEFORE

• DID YOUR FRIEND JUST SHOUT “YES, I’M READY TO ROCK!”? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

• WAKE UP AND SEE THE WOOD

• YOU ARE AN EXPERT. AND ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU’LL DISCOVER IN WHAT

• DUDE, THAT HOT GIRL IN THE CORNER IS TOTALLY CHECKING YOU OUT
  NOTE: IF YOU ARE A STRAIGHT WOMAN, DISREGARD THE ABOVE FORTUNE. YOUR SUBSTITUTE FORTUNE IS: DUDE, THAT HOT GIRL IN THE OTHER CORNER IS TOTALLY CHECKING YOU OUT

• YOU DROVE TO THIS RESTAURANT, EVEN THOUGH IT’S, LIKE, FOUR BLOCKS AWAY? LAZY BASTARD

• ADD SOME DIVERSITY TO YOUR LIFE. BEFRIEND A SMART PERSON