WEEKLY WHINE
As you are no doubt aware, the current season of GoobNet Hyperspeed Dating is approaching the semifinal round. For those who may have missed it, here is a review of last week’s edition.
Playing on the Left Board was Ryan, a 33 year old heterosexual male from Chicago, IL, USA who writes for a marginally popular newsletter. Playing on the Right Board was Julie, a 22 year old bisexual female from Heat Garden, FL, USA who is studying for her master’s degree in education.
Ryan’s Roulette consisted of twelve women, all within plus or minus five years of his own age. During the Roulette’s customary sixty second spin, Ryan selected six women to keep. None of them vomited after the Roulette stopped, so all were eligible to advance. Upon revealing the identities of the other six, Ryan did not seem significantly disappointed. In fact, when Mayrena was identified as a Cubs fan, Ryan immediately said, “Yeah, it would never have worked out between us anyway.”
Julie’s Roulette consisted of eight men and four women, all within plus ten or minus one year of her own age. Julie selected three men and three women to keep, but Cerina vomited as the Roulette was spinning down and was eliminated. Upon revealing the identities of the other six, Julie was disappointed only at Jervan, the collegiate rower. Her response: “Oh no! I love those rower guys! They always have those great upper bodies! I’m sorry!”
Ryan began the Matchmaker round with six potential partners: Leila, Grace, Aspen, Haylie, Crissy, and Claudette.
| GUESSES | Leila | Grace | Aspen | Haylie | Crissy | Claudette |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Age | 29 | 36 | 33 | 35 | 30 | 30 |
| Hometown | Rome, NY, USA | Hamilton, ON, Canada | Albuquerque, NM, USA | Shadow Mount, MT, USA | Kansas City, MO, USA | Lexington, KY, USA |
| Occupation | Columnist | Singer | Lab technician | Construction worker | Salvage diver | Cat therapist |
| Favourite Hobby | Arguing | Shooting | Singing | Basketball | Miniature golf | Softball |
| ANSWERS | Leila | Grace | Aspen | Haylie | Crissy | Claudette |
| Age | 30 | 36 | 33 | 35 | 29 | 30 |
| Hometown | Hamilton, ON, Canada | Rome, NY, USA | Kansas City, MO, USA | Shadow Mount, MT, USA | Albuquerque, NM, USA | Lexington, KY, USA |
| Occupation | Salvage diver | Columnist | Lab technician | Construction worker | Cat therapist | Singer |
| Favourite Hobby | Singing | Arguing | Miniature golf | Basketball | Softball | Shooting |
After placing his guesses, Ryan remarked, “I want to find out what the hell a cat therapist is.” But based on today’s evidence, Haylie may be the most suitable for Ryan.
Julie began the Matchmaker round with only five potential partners: Abe, Cindy, William, Fernando, and Sam. As such, her time was reduced to 75 seconds from 90.
| GUESSES | Abe | Cindy | William | Fernando | Sam |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Age | 25 | 30 | 21 | 24 | 21 |
| Hometown | Addison, VT, USA | Lansing, MI, USA | Montréal, QC, Canada | Seattle, WA, USA | Bakersfield, CA, USA |
| Occupation | Grade school teacher | Stunt driver | Bicycle repair person | Machinist | Student |
| Favourite Hobby | Parasailing | Gardening | Football | Writing | Kickboxing |
| ANSWERS | Abe | Cindy | William | Fernando | Sam |
| Age | 25 | 21 | 24 | 30 | 21 |
| Hometown | Seattle, WA, USA | Lansing, MI, USA | Addison, VT, USA | Bakersfield, CA, USA | Montréal, QC, Canada |
| Occupation | Stunt driver | Student | Machinist | Grade school teacher | Bicycle repair person |
| Favourite Hobby | Parasailing | Football | Kickboxing | Gardening | Writing |
Julie, of course, was wholly embarrassed by her gross misoverestimation of Cindy’s age. Nonetheless, Cindy was one of only three potential partners with whom Julie earned a point.
The aptly named Crucible is the opportunity for the players to show how they knew so much about someone in the Matchmaker round... or to be taken to task for being completely wrong. On the Left Board, Ryan had to face the two potential partners that he completely misjudged, Leila and Crissy. The most humorous moment came when Leila was crucibling him.
“Seriously, what are you smoking?” she asked him. “What the hell would make you think that arguing is my hobby?”
Ryan replied, “Well, you’re doing pretty good at it now!”
Luckily for Ryan, Crissy was more forgiving, even taking the time to explain that a cat therapist tries to identify problems that cats are having. She even made a reference to the famous Monty Python “Confuse-a-Cat Limited” sketch.
At the end of the round [since the potential partners go in order from least matches to most], Haylie congratulated Ryan for sizing her up correctly. He replied, “If I may say, Haylie, you do look like a basketball playing construction worker.”
Over on the Right Board, Julie was first crucibled by William and Fernando, but they were quite forgiving. William said, “Well, I am from a state that borders Canada, so you were close.”
The two women, with whom Julie earned one point each, were far more critical. Cindy was especially furious about Julie’s guess that Cindy was thirty.
On the defensive, Julie replied, “I’m sorry! You know those hot girls where you go, ‘Holy shit, she’s thirty?! How fucking hot was she at nineteen?’ I thought you were one of those!”
On the Left Board, 40% of viewers selected Haylie, 22% went with Aspen, and 17% voted for Claudette.
45% of respondents said that Fernando was Julie’s best selection on the Right Board. 28% voted for Sam, and 19% elected Abe.
The fun of Hyperspeed Dating, of course, is finding out whether the player will make a snap judgement or give everyone a chance. Ryan, speaking to Tabi in the warmup room, said that he intended to move slowly. Tabi instantly responded, “But it’s Hyperspeed Dating, not Leisurely Dating!”
Meanwhile, the girls were at the buzzers for the Bid-a-Kiss. Leila held at eight seconds, whilst Grace and Aspen kept failing to ring in as the round went on. Eventually they stopped and held at eight seconds, whilst the other three were going back and forth. In the end, Crissy stuck with four seconds, Claudette three, and Haylie rang in at one second.
Since the most aggressive bidder gets to go last, Leila was up first. Her kiss was halfhearted at best and earned a chorus of boos from the audience. Grace and Aspen also failed to convince Ryan. Crissy’s four second kiss was easily the steamiest to that point, but the crowd gave Claudette a more excited reaction.
With the advantage of going last but the disadvantage of a single second, Haylie made an impression by forcefully seizing Ryan by the back of the head and applying a heated kiss as time expired. Some in the crowd began to chant Haylie’s name, but in the end Ryan selected Claudette.
Bidding at the Right Board was more conservative. Abe went to six and then four seconds, but nobody bid below that. The eight second kissers were Cindy and Fernando, but Cindy, like Leila before her, earned the crowd’s derision by putting even less into it than did Julie.
Julie looked to be out of breath after her kiss with Fernando, but she chose to go on and take a kiss from Sam at seven seconds. Sam punctuated it with a lick of Julie’s chin, which the audience seemed to enjoy. William, with five seconds, and Abe, with four, made good efforts but seemed not to impress Julie significantly.
“Oh my god, who am I gonna pick?” Julie asked, though it was unclear whom she was asking. Discussing her options, she ruled out Cindy for failing to show interest after the Matchmaker round, and Abe for being “too extreme”. She added that Fernando was “not what I’m looking for right now”.
“So either William or Sam,” she continued. “William, I love how you’re all, like, cool and everything, and you didn’t care that I was, like, completely wrong about you. And Sam... oh my god, Sam. I feel like you and I could totally... fuck, I don’t know!”
Finally, Julie drew in a breath and said Sam’s name.
Ryan said that he felt a stronger connection to Claudette but could not explain why. “It has to do with the singing, I think. I like singers.”
In explaining why she chose Sam, Julie said, “I don’t know. I think it was her tits. That sounds so weak, doesn’t it?”
These new relationships will be put to the test in the semifinal round, starting in two weeks’ time.
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