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PLEASE STOW ANY LOOSE ONES AND ZEROES IN THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT

WEEKLY WHINE

Everything must go

Now that Earth has run out of money, we here at GoobNet are finding it more and more difficult to accomplish the things that you want us to accomplish. Short of demanding that you ask us to accomplish less, we are running out of options. Our last resort is to sell some of the things of value that we own.

SET OF ADVENTURES OF THE SCHMILBLICK PATROL

Would you like to own a real life television set? Now you can! The set of GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol is now available! This massive multilevel stage comes complete with mood lighting, Schmilblick-themed decorations, and large neon lights spelling the name of the programme. As an added bonus, the large neon lights reading “Schmilblick Patrol” may be rearranged into exciting phrases like “Roll Back Itch Limps” or “Kimball’s Crotch Lip”.

By the way, after we sell the set, GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol will be broadcast from a foreclosed house in Milwaukee, WI, USA. At least until the authorities find us in there.

GOOBNET NEWS TICKER

Have you ever wondered how we here at GoobNet have been so knowledgeable and perceptive about the world around us?

What do you mean no?

Anyway, our secret is the GoobNet News Ticker, an automated device that prints out headlines for all of us to reflect on and discuss with each other. Every few minutes, one can see a GoobNet team member walk into the GoobNet News Ticker Room, tear off a strip of GoobNet News Ticker Tape from the GoobNet News Ticker, and then take it into their office or cubicle or bathroom stall.

As a preview, here are some of the things that just came off of the GoobNet News Ticker:

INDICES CREEP UPWARD AFTER RATE CUTS.... PIECE-OF-SHIT TEENYBOPPER MOVIE WINS AT BOX OFFICE.... NASA PROBE DISCOVERS REAL ESTATE PRICES FALLING ON MERCURY.... MOMENT OF SENILITY: MCCAIN FORGETS TO SAY ‘HE DOESN’T GET IT’....

WINE STOCKPILE

GoobNet is best known for the Weekly Whines, one of which you’re reading right now. But did you know that GoobNet also has a large collection of Weekly Wines? We didn’t either, until Reg put his fourth mansion on sale. Or maybe it’s his fifth.

Regardless, he decided to throw in that wine collection. But he doesn’t know that we stole it and are now selling it to you. It contains more than five hundred bottles, featuring such wines as white, red, and pink, or rose, or whatever the hell it’s called. Most of these bottles were likely made by fermenting stomped grapes, so buy them today!

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