WEEKLY WHINE

Geographic naming stumps Edvard

Have you been to New Zealand’s South Island? If not, better hurry and visit it before it’s no more.

No, the South Island is not sinking into the Pacific, not unless ChevronTexaco and ExxonMobil have their way. The South Island is going to get a new name.

The New Zealand Geographic Board Ngā Pou Taunaha o Aotearoa has said that the names of the North and South Islands were not officially registered in its list of place names, so as a remedy, it will register those names as well as Māori equivalent names. The good news is that everyone agrees on the English names “North Island” and “South Island”. The bad news is that there are a number of different Māori names for the two islands.

So what should the New Zealand Geographic Board Ngā Pou Taunaha o Aotearoa do? Its first course of action should be to ask our very own geographic naming consultant, “Dynamite Eating” Edvard van de Kamp, who has spent his entire career naming geographic places that were the source of whichever fossils he was pointing to at the time. Many others have also asked Edvard, and here is what happened when they did so.

Dear Edvard: Why does New Zealand want to change the names “North Island” and “South Island”? Isn’t that just an unnecessary action that would end up confusing everyone?

– Chuck Baserinstinct
Clear Lake, TX, USA

Dear Chuck: Yes, it would be an unnecessary action that would end up confusing everyone. That’s why New Zealand is not taking that action. Instead, New Zealand is officially registering the names “North Island” and “South Island”, as well as whichever Māori names they deem appropriate.

Dear Edvard: I think the South Island should be called Te Wai Pounamu, “The Waters of Greenstone”. That is already the definitive name for the South Island.

– Ken Whengerani
Dunedin, New Zealand

Dear Ken: I think our next contributor would disagree with you about that name’s definitiveness.

Dear Edvard: The South Island of New Zealand should have the Māori name Te Waka a Māui, “The Canoe of Māui”. The Māori already know this island by this name, so it is the easiest way to resolve the current ambiguity. The North Island should therefore be called Te Ika a Māui, “The Fish of Māui”.

– Sandra M Taneakaora
Kaikoura, New Zealand

Dear Sandra: But wait! There’s still another opinion!

Dear Edvard: There is only one name for the South Island that everyone will agree on: Te Tumuki. It is the oldest known name for the South Island, and that means that the years of prejudices that have accumulated over the two widely used present day names, Te Wai Pounamu and Te Waka a Māui, can be swept away in one clear motion by using the name Te Tumuki.

– Daniel Kelsebert
Ilam, New Zealand

Dear Daniel: I look forward to the three way cage fight involving you, Sandra, and Ken. The last one standing gets to use their name for the South Island.

Dear Edvard: Instead of “North Island” and “South Island”, I propose “Whale Island” and “Gold Island” respectively. These make note of the natural resources that originally drew settlers to New Zealand.

– Jesse Moiers
Auckland, New Zealand

Dear Jesse: The New Zealand Geographic Board Ngā Pou Taunaha o Aotearoa has already indicated that the English names are not changing.

Dear Edvard: This is another outrageous attempt at forcing political correctness on the people of New Zealand. The names “North Island” and “South Island” have served us well for hundreds of years, and it is the height of folly to change their names just when New Zealand tourism is peaking.

– Michael Laws
Wanganui, New Zealand

Dear Mayor Michael: As we’ve already stated, they are, and will continue to be, the North and South Islands in English.

Dear Edvard: I have noticed that in major media coverage of the situation with the names of the islands of New Zealand, news media tend to portray the situation as though New Zealand are changing the names of the islands, when in fact the New Zealand Geographic Board has itself said that it intends to keep the North and South Islands’ names while adding new Māori names. So my question is, why are so many newspapers and television reports making this same error? Please provide a justification other than “Because they’re dumb” this time. Thanks.

– Linda Fïllar
Tumba, Sweden

Dear Linda: I can’t comply with that request.

Dear Edvard: Why not?

– Linda Fïllar
Tumba, Sweden

Dear Linda: Because they are dumb.