WEEKLY WHINE

Ésteban Colberto celebrates a rouge with Katie Price’s breasts

The Super Bowl is coming to London.

Or maybe it isn’t.

According to the London Sunday Telegraph, the NFL has assured the City of London that it intends to play a Super Bowl at Wembley Stadium within the next eight years.

But according to the NFL’s page on Twitter, “OMG WTF Brits totaly lieing az if LOLOLOLOL!!!!!”

Yes, the NFL excels at saying one thing in person and another thing when limited to 140 characters. But could the league actually succeed if its annual showcase game is played in a country wherein a major news organisation feels the need to publish an article explaining the NFL draft?

We here at GoobNet know. Would you like to know? If not, close this window, exit your browser, flush your cache and viewing history, log out, shut down your computer, take it to the nearest river, and throw it in.

2014

After successful Super Bowls staged in Miami, Dallas, Indianapolis, and New Orleans, the 2014 Super Bowl [that being XLVIII] will be held in Wembley Stadium. When the host announcement is made in 2010, fans around the United States will erupt in protest, posting remarks critical of the NFL’s decision on the new social networking site Listrels. In response, on its own Listrels page, the NFL will explain the rationale behind its decision. As is customary on Listrels, the NFL’s response will be comprised entirely of symbols out of a list of 214 allowable on Listrels: “[British flag] [thumbs up] [group of dots] [dollar sign] [pair of dice] [extreme closeup of Katie Price’s breasts].” The furor will die down as NFL fans begin to associate the London Super Bowl with Katie Price’s breasts, and they are even incorporated into the Super Bowl XLVIII logo, squeezed below the Wembley arch.

When the 2014 playoffs finally roll around, Houston and New York Jets are the unlikely teams to advance to the Super Bowl, a result that would not have been possible if the NFL had not implemented the GoobNet Agency for Reintroducing Relegation to Recreational Game Hierarchies’ plan for introducing relegation into the NFL. The Texans, having qualified for the playoffs as the NFL First League South Division champions, are the home team playing against the NFL First League East Division champion Jets.

The game will be very similar to most other Super Bowls, with the exception that it will be played in cold, rainy weather owing to the fact that it’s London. One difference will be the city’s insistence that the halftime show must involve British or Irish performers. The NFL, having previously had such halftime performers as U2, Sting, Paul McCartney, and the Rolling Stones, will have readily agreed to book Mel Coker [formerly known as Amy Winehouse]. Coker will sing three songs from her new album, Define ‘Clean’.

There will be much scoring despite the weather. Houston will defeat NY Jets 47-29 on five touchdown passes by Dan Orlovsky, starting in place of the injured John Harrington [formerly known as Joey]. In the postgame press conference, Orlovsky will tell reporters, “This is incredible. Just a few weeks ago, I was best known for stepping out of the end zone and giving up a safety against Minnesota a few years back. Now here I am with the Lombardi Trophy and the MVP award. Does the MVP award have a name? Shouldn’t we name it after someone? Oh, here it is right here. Pete Rozelle Trophy, it says. Sorry, I didn’t read over it before I came to talk to you guys. Give me a minute. I’m going to read this trophy thoroughly before I continue talking to you.”

2016

The 2015 Super Bowl will be held in the US, in San Diego’s Twitter Field [formerly known as Qualcomm Stadium]. The 2016 Super Bowl is awarded to Mexico City and the Estadio Azteca. The decision again meets disdain from fans, since the announcement will be made in 2012, before London’s successful hosting of the event. The NFL will respond to fans by posting on the most recently popular social networking Web site, Yourgang: “Why don’t you want to go to Mexico? Are you chicken? Bwaaaak-bwak-bwak-bwak-bwaaak!”

In a rematch of the 1998 Super Bowl [that being XXXII], Green Bay will face Denver. The match will remain scoreless at halftime. The halftime entertainment will be titled “¡Ésteban Colberto y las Chicas del Colberto Reporto Gigante Van al Super Bowl!” and will begin with a prerecorded segment about Ésteban Colberto’s humourous attempts to scale the vast US-Mexico Border Superfence in hopes of reaching the Azteca in time.

Luckily, only thirteen players will be taken to hospital for heatstroke and smog inhalation. The Packers will defeat the Broncos by a score of 13-9, with DeShawn Wynn scoring the only touchdown on a seventy one yard run with six and one half minutes remaining. In the US, after Fox returns from a commercial break, viewers will see the touchdown again with audio from the local commentators: “Tercer y dos. El handoff a Wynn. Un choque grande en la línea. El tackle por... pero ¡no! ¡Todavía Wynn con la pelota! Otro tackle... ¡perdió! ¡Wynn al mediocampo! ¡Wynn! ¡Todavía Wynn! ¡Al treinta... al veinte... al diez... touchdownazo! ¡Touchdownaaaaaaaaazo, touchdownazo, touchdownazo! ¡Touchdownazo por Green Bay! ¡Touchdownazo por Wynn! ¡Azo! ¡Azo! ¡Azo!”

Wynn will be awarded the Jeff Garcia Memorial Super Bowl Most Valuable Player Trophy, renamed for the quarterback after his tragic death after receiving a pencil heel to the temple while watching a catfight between his new wife, Suki Frost [formerly known as Mel Coker [formerly known as Amy Winehouse]], and his former wife, Carmella DeCesare.

2018

In keeping with the newfound tradition of alternating domestic and foreign Super Bowl hosts, the NFL will award the 2017 Super Bowl to Miami’s Jimmy Buffett Stadium [formerly Land Shark Stadium [formerly Dolphin Stadium [formerly Dolphins Stadium [formerly Pro Player Stadium [formerly Pro Player Park [formerly Joe Robbie Stadium]]]]]]. The 2018 Super Bowl, in an announcement just months after the successful completion of the 2014 Super Bowl, will be awarded to Nissan Stadium in Yokohama, Japan.

At this point, most US fans will have come to terms with the idea of foreign Super Bowls, so the outry will be nowhere near as loud or as widespread as it will have been in 2010, when the announcement of the London Super Bowl will have been made. Instead, the outcry from Americans will be that they can’t understand the train maps of the greater Tokyo area. On the most recently popular social networking site, Wtfville, the NFL will reply: “We recognise that many fans planning to attend the 2018 Super Bowl are having difficulty determining how to reach Nissan Stadium via train and are instead considering renting automobiles. We recommend against that and would advise fans staying in downtown Tokyo to either take the Yokohama- or Ōfuna-bound Keihin-Tōhoku Line to Higashi-Kanagawa and then change to the Hachiōji-bound Yokohama Line and get off at Kozukue, or take the Atami-bound Tōkaidō Line [provided it is not a Commuter Rapid service] to Yokohama and then change to the Hachiōji-bound Yokohama Line and get off at Kozukue, or take the Kurihama-bound Yokosuka Line to Yokohama and then change to the Hachiōji-bound Yokohama Line and get off at Kozukue, or take the Takao- or Ōtsuki-bound Chūō Rapid Line to Hachiōji and then change to the Yokohama- or Ōfuna-bound Yokohama Line and get off at Kozukue, or take the Hiroshima-, Hakata-, or Shin-Osaka-bound Tōkaidō Shinkansen and get off at Shin-Yokohama [though note that Japan Rail Passes may not be used on Nozomi trains]. Naturally, these plans should be adjusted somewhat for those who are staying near stations other than Tokyo Station.”

The game itself will be played between Kansas City and Buffalo. The halftime show will be titled “Tribute to Japanese Players in the National Football League” and will occupy only two minutes and forty seconds of the thirty minute halftime period.

The Bills will win the game 1-0, on a rouge by Jon Bittler on the opening kickoff, the first rouge scored in a Super Bowl since the rule’s introduction for the 2017 season. The Jeff Garcia Memorial Super Bowl Most Valuable Player Trophy will go to Bittler, who will say, “Actually, at first I thought that rule applied only when we play that one game a year in Toronto. Then I saw a one go up on the scoreboard, and I was like, ‘Dude, that counts? Awesome!’”