Rajouri Garden

Rich: Aces are high, deuces are low. Let’s take a ride, to and fro! Is this annoying? Beg your pardon. Because we’re playing... Rajouri Garden!

Jhonny: Yaaaay!

Wen: Pass.

Nina: Exit stage left.

Rich: Come on, you two. You know you like to play.

Nina: We do not.

Wen: I want to go first.

Rich: You do? Wait. Let’s decide what rules we’re playing under.

Gaby: Can we play downtown Emily Watson rules today?

Rich: Oh no. Remember what happened last time we played downtown Emily Watson?

Jhonny: Yeah. I nearly went out and kicked all the cats in the neighbourhood.

Gaby: That was pretty funny.

Rich: Look. Why don’t we play downtown Carlos Santana rules?

Gaby: Okay. Let’s do that.

Jhonny: Sure.

Nina: Whatever.

Rich: Okay. Wen, as promised, you get to start.

Wen: All right. My first move is to dangle myself from a noose.

Rich: That’s not a legal first move.

Wen: Fine. Seelampur.

Nina: Shadipur, you asshole.

Rich: Good move. I’ll play to Janak Puri East.

Jhonny: That’s not such a good move.

Rich: What? Why not?

Jhonny: Well, as you will surely recall, downtown Carlos Santana rules permit me to make a Hatha circle.

Gaby: Oooooh!

Jhonny: That’s right. I’m going to make a Hatha circle to Mandi House.

Rich: A Hatha circle this early? I hope you know what you’re doing.

Jhonny: Me too.

Gaby: Okay. Well, I think my best move now is to Noida Sector 15.

Rich: Interesting. Wen, back over to you.

Wen: Motherfucking Nawada.

Nina: Inder goddam Lok.

Jhonny: Isn’t there construction going on there?

Nina: Who gives a shit?

Rich: Well, regardless, I think that’s a fine move. I’m going to Model Town.

Jhonny: All right. I’ll play to Dwarka.

Rich: You can’t go to Dwarka Mor. We just had a vertical lunch run.

Jhonny: No, Dwarka. Not Dwarka Mor.

Rich: Oh.

Gaby: Well, if you’re not, I will. I’m going to go to Dwarka Mor.

Rich: Good call.

Jhonny: Yeah.

Rich: Wen?

Wen: Yeah?

Rich: You’re up.

Wen: Really? I definitely don’t feel up.

Rich: Too bad. What will you do next?

Wen: I guess Jawaharlal fucking Nehru Stadium.

Nina: All ass spanking India cunt punching Institute of pussy slamming Medical vomit throwing Sciences.

Wen: Finally. Way to make this game fun.

Rich: And do you know what would be even more fun? If I played to Rajendra Place now.

Jhonny: You’re really getting good at this game.

Rich: I’ve been studying strategy manuals.

Jhonny: You have? Which ones?

Rich: Well, I started with Rajouri Garden for Dummies. Then I went on to Beginner and Intermediate Techniques for Rajouri Garden.

Jhonny: Who wrote that?

Nina: Your mom.

Rich: No, actually, she wrote The Serious Player’s Guide to Alte Heide. That’s how I got started in transit games.

Jhonny: So who wrote the other one?

Rich: Which other one?

Jhonny: The one you just mentioned. The beginner and intermediate one.

Rich: Oh, Beginner and Intermediate Techniques for Rajouri Garden. That was Woods and Barrenstein.

Jhonny: I’ll have to look that one up.

Rich: You can borrow my copy.

Jhonny: Really? Thanks.

Gaby: I think I have three choices now.

Rich: Is that all?

Gaby: Yeah, three. Right?

Jhonny: I think so. I think you only have three choices.

Gaby: Yeah. And the best one, I think, is the one that does a rough green Standish.

Rich: Wow. When was the last time we saw a rough green Standish?

Wen: Right before I killed you and sprinkled your dismembered parts all over the Red Line.

Rich: How would you do that? Most of it is on elevated tracks.

Wen: Keep talking like that and you’ll fucking find out.

Jhonny: Anyway, tell us where you’re going, Gaby.

Gaby: Well, as you’ve probably figured out already, I’m going to Chhatarpur.

Wen: Rajouri Garden, where I hope to go shopping for enough rivet guns to attach each of you to the beams that support the elevated tracks of the shit owning Red Line.

Gaby: What?

Rich: Just like that?

Jhonny: I think that’s a great play. You don’t see Cooper unity moves very often.

Rich: Yeah. And that’s exactly why.

Nina: Can we go home now?

Gaby: Yeah, but don’t take the Red Line.

Rich: All right. Well, that was still a pretty good game. We got –

Jhonny: Hey, wait!

Rich: What?

Jhonny: We skipped me!

Rich: What? When?

Jhonny: Just now, when Gaby went.

Rich: What?

Jhonny: Yeah. When Gaby went to Chhatarpur.

Rich: Wait. Wasn’t that after you went to Mandi House?

Jhonny: No. I did Mandi House the first time around.

Rich: Oh. Wait, let’s go over this again. I know Wen went to Jawaharlal Nehru Stadium, right? Then Nina went to AIIMS.

Jhonny: Right.

Rich: Then I went to Rajendra Place, right?

Jhonny: Yeah. And then Gaby did a rough green Standish to Chhatarpur.

Gaby: Wait. Jhonny, you went to Welcome, I thought.

Rich: No, he couldn’t have gone to Welcome. Welcome to Chhatarpur would be a polyomino jump, not a rough green Standish.

Gaby: Oh. Where did you play to, Jhonny?

Jhonny: I told you. You skipped right over me.

Gaby: You went to Scope Tower, right?

Rich: Gaby, that would be a mild green Standish.

Gaby: No, that’s a rough green Standish.

Rich: We’re playing downtown Carlos Santana rules, remember?

Gaby: Oh. Yeah, you’re right.

Rich: Gaby, did you steal Jhonny’s turn?

Wen: Of course you did, you bitch.

Gaby: I did not!

Jhonny: You totally did.

Wen: She totally fucking cheated.

Rich: Gaby, I’m going to ask you one more time before we go to the replay review. Did you steal Jhonny’s turn?

Nina: Of course she fucking did. We all fucking saw it.

Rich: Enough, both of you! Gaby?

Gaby: [sigh] Yeah, I did.

Rich: All right. Thank you for coming clean, Gaby. That does mean that the rest of us have the option to realign this game. Anyone want to do that?

Nina: Let’s just move on, okay?

Jhonny: Yeah.

Rich: All right. So Wen, you’re still our winner today, and it was done in fifteen moves. Great work. We’ll have another round of Rajouri Garden, or perhaps another exciting game, at a later time. Thanks for joining us, everyone.