WEEKLY WHINE
This year, numerous events took place. We here at GoobNet, of course, were completely outraged at this and will not allow that to occur next year. Rather than discouraging bad behaviour, though, we would like to take a positive tone and encourage good behaviour with our end of year awards.
Note: Although this year is not yet complete, we are willing to take the risk that nothing memorable will take place in the remainder of the year.
Ditching of flight US1549, United States
Rich says: So the Airbus A320 struck a flock of Canada geese on its climb out from LGA, lost both engines, glided along the Hudson, and ditched just west of midtown Manhattan, all without any loss of human life. Starting next year, we will give out an award known as the Capt Chesley A “Sully” Sullenberger Award for the Most Awesome Achievement.
Falcon HEENE not being carried away in a balloon, United States
Amber Lynn says: Shouldn’t this family have to do a public service announcement, or something? “Hi, I’m Richard Heene. You might be wondering what would happen if you deployed a helium balloon and then went around telling people that your son was in it. Well, I’m here to tell you what would happen. You would divert emergency responders from actual emergencies to an unusual situation that actually poses no danger other than the danger that you yourself created when you launched the balloon, possibly to interfere with passing aircraft. Also, your episode of Wife Swap would be cancelled. So don’t do it.”
Collision between Iridium 33 and Kosmos-2251, low Earth orbit
Gaby says: Collisions between satellites are always described as “one in N million chances”. Earlier this year, one of those remote chances took place. According to reports, the projections that were provided to Iridium showed miss distances anywhere from 117 metres to 1,812 metres. In fact, Iridium routinely receives projections of other passes that are closer still and has to triage said reports.
Confessions of a Shopaholic, United States
Amber Lynn says: Gotcha! It’s actually 2012.
Slaughtering of all pigs, Egypt
Deb says: Although it is called “swine flu”, that does not mean that it can be stopped by killing all pigs. Dishonourable mention to the US’s fanatics who keep appearing at “tea party protests” and town hall meetings equating a reformed health care system with the Nazi party.
Only Connect, United Kingdom
Deb says: Victoria Coren hosts this British quiz show that actually debuted last year but for some reason failed to get an award last year. It’s the show in which you listen to four pieces of music and have to figure out that they all relate to barbers [eg, Chris Barber jazz, The Barber of Seville, Sweeney Todd, and Samuel Barber’s “Adagio for Strings”]. Not only that, the puzzle choices in each round are labelled with Greek letters. This is one of the few shows on television today that can be classified as fucking hard. Honourable mention to the UK’s The Cube, with Philip Schofield, the US’s Head Games, with Greg Proops, and the WED 01 APR 2009 edition of the US’s The Price is Right, with Drew Carey.
Divided, United Kingdom
Gaby says: This programme really split the game show community. Is it a teamwork quiz with a twist at the end, or is it just driving a wedge between strangers for no good reason? We may never know for sure.
Jon and Kate GOSSELIN, United States
Gaby says: So am I supposed to care about these people, or... what’s the deal with them? Dishonourable mention to Nadya “Octomom” Suleman.
FC Barcelona, Spain
Rich says: There was no competition for this award, was there? Barcelona won the Spanish championship, the Copa del Rey, the Supercopa, the UEFA Champions League, the UEFA Super Cup, and the FIFA Club World Cup. Not bad for a team that only a year earlier had a motion of no confidence raised against president Joan Laporta.
New Jersey Nets, United States
Rich says: At 2-26 through today, the Nets are not only terrible, they are also for sale. Mikhail Prokhorov is hoping he can do for New Jersey what Roman Abramovich did for Chelsea. Furthermore, with the team’s move to Brooklyn looming, this year the team retired its blue away uniforms that read NEW JERSEY and replaced them with the red alternate uniforms that read NETS. This was widely recognised as one last middle finger to the state.
Martin HANSSON, Sweden
Rich says: The odd part about this situation is that so many people thought it was an argument for video replay, when in fact it is an argument for extra officials behind each goal.
Christopher RILEY and John OLSSON, United Kingdom
Deb says: Science writer Riley and linguist Olsson teamed up to analyse recordings of Neil Armstrong’s line, “That’s one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind”. They found that Neil did in fact drop the a, prompting reactions around the world to the likes of “Well, of course he did”.
Influenza A subtype H1N1
Deb says: This swine flu variant first appeared earlier this year and has gone on to affect numerous people, including Jeopardy! contestants and Galaxy footballers. Honourable mention to Glenn Beck Syndrome, formerly known as rabies.
“Hiking the Appalachian Trail”, United States
Amber Lynn says: Mark Sanford, governor of the US state of South Carolina, disappeared for several days and prompted speculation in all major US media about where he was, what he was doing, and whom he was banging. So now, you can simply say that you are “hiking the Appalachian trail, if you know what I mean”. Honourable mention to “going down under”, from The Newlywed Game.
Sister city relationship between Swindon, England, UK and Walt Disney World, Orlando, FL, USA
Gaby says: Congratulations, Swindon! You’ve been chosen as a twinned town of Walt Disney World! What are you going to do next?
Debbie Myers says: With any luck, close down that fucking Magic Roundabout.
Stephen COLBERT, United States
Amber Lynn says: What could be more hilarious than protests against tax and spend politics that come after eight years of spend and debt politics? Protests against tax and spend politics by people who call themselves “teabaggers”. And what could be more hilarious than protests against tax and spend politics by people who call themselves “teabaggers”? Stephen Colbert’s response.
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