WEEKLY WHINE

But who’s multiplying: How are you multiplying?

We have had an exciting several weeks in our series about multiplication. We’ve examined a few different methods of multiplying numbers, and we’ve tested your skills. Don’t forget to give the multiplication game another shot to see if you’ve learned anything from all this.

But there is one perspective missing: yours. Do you multiply with speed? Do you make a lattice every time you need to determine a product? Do you carry around a set of Napier’s bones, or even better, Genaille-Lucas rulers? If so, why not just get a calculator and be done with it?

So we’ve accepted responses from many of you about the methods that you use to multiply. An alarming number of you chose the last option, or you went off the board and said that you never need to multiply. That is obviously bullshit, so that 28% of you will be the first to enter the Mathematical Torture Chamber. If you figure out how to survive the integer boarding, we will ship you off to the Island of Dr Brain.

I like lattice multiplication. I learned long multiplication when I was in school, and that’s what I’ve done whenever I’ve been without a calculator. But from now on, it’s lattices for me.

– Ed Myakon
Des Moines, IA, USA

See? We told you that there is no longer any reason for anyone to do long multiplication. Anyone who has learned long multiplication: forget it immediately. Do lattice multiplication instead.

I like grid multiplication. That’s what I’m learning in school right now. Aren’t you going to do a piece about grid multiplication?

– Jesse Álvarez
Azusa, CA, USA

We eventually decided not to cover grid multiplication, because it is so similar to lattice multiplication.

I don’t like the term “peasant multiplication”. Some peasants know the multiplication tables. Not me, but some of us. Like Georg down the road. He knows how to multiply big numbers. Here, I’ll show you.

– Nathalie Elluismere
Kraisnomere, Slovakia

Okay, Georg. What’s 58 × 23?

Sorry, I just got here. What has Nathalie been telling you this time? I’m not much of a mathematician, but I can try. Okay, 58 times 23. That’s somewhere around 1,200, I think.

– Georg Skalinterov
Kraisnomere, Slovakia

1,334. What about 768 × 138?

I don’t know. Somewhere around eighty or ninety thousand, it must be.

– Georg Skalinterov
Kraisnomere, Slovakia

Nathalie just lost ten percent of her respect for you.

I got it! I got it! What’s the answer?

– Jenna Wang
New York City, NY, USA

I don’t know. What is it?

105,984. See?

– Jenna Wang
New York City, NY, USA

Why does this hole in my head hurt?

Nobody needs to be able to multiply any more. Give it up. Find a more rewarding activity, like crossing a wall with automated boxing gloves punching from holes.

– Chris Secomanski
Gainesville, FL, USA

Go away. And by the way, we heard that you’re getting audited.