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WEEKLY WHINE

Schmilblick Patrol: Gyoengyi Gaal

Edvard: Hey! Hey there! Hello! Hi! Thank you! Thank you all! Thank you so much! All right! Settle down! Really, that’s plenty! All right, well, welcome everyone! Welcome one and all to GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol. Yes, it’s the game where ordinary people, just like you, have the chance to meet some of the people making the most news, or at least the most egregious news, and try to determine what they may potentially have been thinking, and possibly earn some fantastic prizes while they’re at it! All right, so, it’s time to meet this week’s participant. I am very excited to have gotten her as our guest this week. She is a FIFA accredited referee and has been for nearly ten years. She’s just come from participating at her second Women’s World Cup, where she served as the fourth official for one match and the center referee for another. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Hungarian football referee Gyoengyi Gaal!

Gyoengyi: Hello everyone. Hello Edvard.

Edvard: Hello, Gyoengyi. Welcome to the show.

Gyoengyi: Thank you.

Edvard: We’ve got three patrollers here who are going to try to think past you. Are you up to the task?

Gyoengyi: I believe I am.

Edvard: Good, because here they are. We have Samantha from London, England, UK.

Samantha: Hi.

Edvard: Graziela from Toronto, ON, Canada.

Graziela: Hey, howarya.

Edvard: And Melissa from Hogshooter, OK, USA.

Melissa: Hi.

Edvard: Welcome patrollers. So, we are ready to find out your Schmilblick, Gyoengyi.

Gyoengyi: Okay. My Schmilblick is: Why I did not award Australia a penalty in their match against Equatorial Guinea last weekend.

Edvard: Why you did not award Australia a penalty when they played Equatorial Guinea. Yes, that was an awfully controversial play. I believe I speak for everyone everywhere when I say that I was not expecting that to happen. So, that’s your Schmilblick. We will give our patrollers eighteen questions to try to determine your Schmilblick. If they can, they will win tickets to the Women’s World Cup final next weekend in Frankfurt, Germany. You’ll fly round trip from your current residence to Frankfurt, where you’ll spend three nights in a pretty good hotel. You will get to meet some of Gyoengyi’s referee friends before the match, and you will get your very own refereeing gifts after the match. But Gyoengyi, if our patrollers can’t determine your Schmilblick in eighteen questions, you will win tickets to Samantha’s pub quiz final in two months’ time in London. You’ll fly round trip from Budapest to London, where you’ll spend three nights in a hotel room that’s about twice as expensive as any other location anywhere in England. You will get to meet some of Samantha’s pub quiz friends before the match, and you will get your very own pub quiz gifts after the match. So, that’s what’s on the line. Let’s get it all going. Patrollers, are you ready?

Melissa: Yep.

Samantha: I’m ready.

Graziela: Ready!

Edvard: Gyoengyi, are you ready?

Gyoengyi: I am.

Edvard: Then let’s go on patrol! Samantha, you have the first question.

Samantha: Thanks Edvard. Okay, question one. Did you see the Guinean player handle the ball?

Gyoengyi: No, I didn’t.

Edvard: You didn’t?

Gyoengyi: No, I didn’t see the incident at first.

Edvard: Okay. All right. Well, that tells us quite a bit right from the start. That is one down and seventeen to go. Graziela, your first question, please.

Graziela: Gyoengyi, hi.

Gyoengyi: Hello.

Graziela: My question for you is: Did you know right away that the Guinean player had handled the ball?

Gyoengyi: No, I didn’t.

Edvard: Okay. So you didn’t know what happened right away. It is now two down and sixteen to go. Before we have our next question, we’re going to take a moment and meet our patrollers. Melissa, hi.

Melissa: Hi Edvard. Pleasure to meet you.

Edvard: Nice to meet you. You are from Oklahoma.

Melissa: That’s right.

Edvard: From “Hogshooter”?

Melissa: That’s right.

Edvard: That’s the actual name of a city?

Melissa: Well, we’re an unincorporated community. Not a town or nothing.

Edvard: And what is there to do in Hogshooter?

Melissa: Ain’t much, really.

Edvard: You know, I believe you.

Melissa: Hee hee hee! Yeah, there ain’t much. If we want to do something, we pretty much have to go over to Bartlesville.

Edvard: All right. So what do you do for a living, then?

Melissa: I work in the bursar’s office at the college there.

Edvard: What’s the name of the college?

Melissa: Oklahoma Wesleyan University.

Edvard: Oklahoma Wesleyan. Home of the Fighting...?

Melissa: Eagles! We’re the Eagles.

Edvard: Great. Well, I’m suddenly filled with the urge to visit Bartlesville and cheer on the Fighting Eagles. Well, in the meantime, how about your first question for Gyoengyi here.

Melissa: All right. Gyoengyi, when you first saw the play, were you more than, say, twenty five yards away?

Gyoengyi: Yes, I was.

Edvard: Ah. All right, well, that will surely help. That takes us to three down and fifteen to go, and it takes us to you, Samantha. Hi.

Samantha: Lovely to meet you.

Edvard: Great to meet you as well. From London.

Samantha: I am.

Edvard: But that’s not a London accent.

Samantha: Right. I’m from Ireland.

Edvard: From Ireland. What brought you to London?

Samantha: My brother and I moved to London almost twenty years ago. We both got jobs in the newspapers.

Edvard: Tough time to have jobs in the newspapers.

Samantha: Well, we don’t have the jobs any more.

Edvard: No, I suppose not. What do you do then?

Samantha: I am a primary school teacher, and my brother is a chef.

Edvard: Really? That’s great. Would you like to say hi to your students?

Samantha: I would love to. Hello everyone! Love you!

Edvard: Hello. Well, let’s have your next question, Samantha.

Samantha: Gyoengyi, were you watching something that was away from the ball at the time the handball occurred?

Gyoengyi: Yes.

Edvard: You were?

Gyoengyi: Yes, I was.

Edvard: But we haven’t determined your Schmilblick yet.

Gyoengyi: No.

Edvard: Perhaps not, but surely we’ve uncovered an important clue. Well done Samantha. It is now four down and fourteen to go. Now we come to you, Graziela.

Graziela: Hey Edvard.

Edvard: Hi. Good to meet you. You are from Toronto.

Graziela: Yeah.

Edvard: Now is there actually anything to do in Toronto?

Graziela: There’s some stuff, yeah.

Edvard: And what is it you do?

Graziela: I work at a motorcycle shop.

Edvard: You ride?

Graziela: Sure do.

Edvard: You’re a biker chick?

Graziela: Sure am.

Edvard: Have you got a biker chick name?

Graziela: Nope. Just Graziela.

Edvard: All right. Well, that’s good. Your next question for Gyoengyi, please.

Graziela: Sure thing. Did your assistant referee notify you of anything on that play?

Gyoengyi: No, she didn’t.

Edvard: This was... um... Cristina Cini.

Gyoengyi: That’s right.

Edvard: She saw nothing?

Gyoengyi: She did not say she saw anything, no.

Edvard: Okay. Five down and thirteen to go now. Now we go back to you, Melissa. Let’s have your second question.

Melissa: Sure. Gyoengyi, did you initially believe that Bruna had chested the ball down?

Gyoengyi: Yes, that’s what I thought at first.

Edvard: Really?

Gyoengyi: Yes.

Edvard: Okay. You thought it was a simple chest down to her goalkeeper?

Gyoengyi: Right.

Edvard: Interesting. Well, it’s six down and twelve to go. It’s time now for another question from you, Samantha.

Samantha: You said you were watching something away from the ball. Was it someone in the stands?

Edvard: Hum. Well, that’s an interesting question, and one that I was not expecting. Gyoengyi, were you watching someone in the stands?

Gyoengyi: I was not, no.

Edvard: Okay. A good thought, perhaps, but it turns out to be incorrect. That takes us, therefore, to seven down and eleven to go. Back down to you, Graziela.

Graziela: Hmmm. Let me see... oh, I know. Gyoengyi, do you now realise that you made the incorrect call?

Gyoengyi: Yes, I most certainly do.

Edvard: Good. Well, you have reconciled the error of your ways, and that will certainly help your future career. But for today, that’s eight down and ten to go. Another question from you, please, Melissa.

Melissa: Gyoengyi, the Australian players immediately shouted for handball as soon as the play occurred. Did you think right away that they might be right?

Gyoengyi: Yes, I did.

Edvard: Really? You thought you might be wrong?

Gyoengyi: A good referee always is prepared for that possibility.

Edvard: Okay. Interesting. That means it is now nine down and nine to go. We’ve uncovered some interesting facts about our participant for this week, FIFA referee Gyoengyi Gaal, but we still haven’t identified her Schmilblick, which this week is why she did not give a penalty for Australia for a handball on the Equatorial Guinea defender at the Women’s World Cup last weekend. Samantha, we come back to you. Your next question, please.

Samantha: Gyoengyi, if you were certain that the defender had handled the ball, would you have given the penalty?

Gyoengyi: I can’t say for sure.

Edvard: How is that?

Gyoengyi: It would have to depend upon what it is that I saw.

Edvard: Well, suppose that you saw what you saw when you viewed the replay after the match.

Gyoengyi: Then yes, if I had seen that the first time around, I would have given the penalty.

Edvard: Well. Interesting. That is now ten down and eight to go. Graziela, we come back to you. What will you ask?

Graziela: Gyoengyi, were you surprised to see that the defender may have held the ball in her hands?

Gyoengyi: Yes, I was.

Edvard: You were surprised.

Gyoengyi: I was surprised, yes.

Edvard: Okay. Eleven down and seven to go now. Melissa, your fourth question, please.

Melissa: All right. So, were you so surprised that you didn’t know what to do, and so you just decided to do nothing at all?

Gyoengyi: No.

Edvard: Really?

Gyoengyi: Yes.

Edvard: You’re sure?

Gyoengyi: I am sure, yes.

Edvard: Well, we are continuing to learn more and more about you, Gyoengyi. But that is now twelve down and six to go. Only two more questions for each of our patrollers. Samantha, we return to you. Your next question.

Samantha: Gyoengyi, were you and your fellow referees warned ahead of the tournament about giving too many penalties?

Gyoengyi: No, we were not.

Edvard: So you did not get special instructions of that nature?

Gyoengyi: No.

Edvard: Okay. That then takes us to thirteen down and five to go. Graziela, we come back to you. Your question please.

Graziela: All right. Were you trying to avoid being the first referee to award a penalty at the tournament?

Gyoengyi: No, I was not.

Edvard: You weren’t? All right. An interesting question, to be sure, but it frankly seemed a bit of a long shot. So that is fourteen down and four to go. Only a few queries remaining. Melissa, we come back to you.

Melissa: Gyoengyi, are you by any chance the proponent of a new theory of handball that considers most types of handball to be accidental and not worthy of free kicks or penalty kicks?

Gyoengyi: Um... no.

Edvard: So no radical reinterpretations of the rule book then? Okay. Well, that is fifteen down and three to go. The last question for each patroller. Samantha, we come to you.

Samantha: Okay. Um... Gyoengyi, was your decision not to award a penalty the direct result of a football match from your childhood in which a player who handled the ball in the area was needlessly vilified and shunned to the extent that he had to leave your town in disgrace and take up a career in lawn bowling?

Gyoengyi: No.

Edvard: That is not it, apparently. And it seems like we’re shooting from longer and longer range. No, that’s sixteen down and two to go. Graziela, you have your last opportunity now.

Graziela: Same question as Samantha, except that he had to take up a career in international finance.

Gyoengyi: No again.

Edvard: And another fail there. Seventeen down and one to go. Last chance, Melissa. If you are able to hit this one, you will win the game here and will take your fellow patrollers to the Women’s World Cup final in a week’s time. Otherwise, the final of Samantha’s pub quiz league will have a famous – or perhaps infamous – spectator. What do you say?

Melissa: Well, here goes. Gyoengyi, was the surprise of seeing a player catch the ball right in front of her own goal so great and so overwhelming that you were momentarily silenced because you are a robot and had to reboot?

Gyoengyi: What? No. Definitely no.

Edvard: Okay. That’s it. That’s all your questions. There are eighteen down and zero to go. Gyoengyi, you have stumped our patrollers. Congratulations! You’re headed for London to take in the final of Samantha’s pub quiz league, all courtesy of GoobNet’s Adventures of the Schmilblick Patrol.

Gyoengyi: Thank you.

Edvard: Have a wonderful time there. But first, of course, you simply must let us know what the great mystery is. What was your Schmilblick?

Gyoengyi: Well, you see, I was not actually the referee for that match.

Edvard: Oh, of course. I understand. That makes perfect – wait, what?

Gyoengyi: That’s true. The actual referee was my evil twin sister, Myoengmyi. She held me against my will and refereed that match instead of me.

Edvard: She did? What? I don’t understand. Why did she want to serve as the referee for that match?

Gyoengyi: I cannot say for sure. I can only tell you that normally, her nefarious schemes do not succeed. For instance, at the last Women’s World Cup in China, I arrived at the stadium for the quarterfinal between Norway and China. When I arrived at the referees’ dressing room, I was shocked to find a message from Myoengmyi. It was in Hungarian, of course, but it said something like, “Hello sister. As you know, you are a highly successful international football referee, and I am a moderately successful professor of chemical engineering. In reality, though, I have done enough to be considered hugely successful, and today I will prove it. You see, I have come up with a chemical that gives a woman the sudden urge to strip naked and do the Maori haka made famous by the New Zealand rugby team. In about the 30th minute, you will discover that I have treated the clothing and equipment of one of the four of you – either your fourth official, one of your assistants, or you yourself. I do hope you have enjoyed your career as a referee, because it is about to end.”

Edvard: And what happened?

Gyoengyi: Well, nothing happened. The match proceeded without incident or controversy, and so I concluded that either her formula did not work, or she was merely bluffing.

Melissa: Wait, I have a question.

Edvard: You do? What?

Melissa: How do we know that you’re not the evil twin? I mean, the real Gyoengyi might have just screwed up. Maybe you’re coming on this show posing as the real Gyoengyi.

Gyoengyi: That is ridiculous. If I was Myoengmyi, why would I come here and tell you all this about her?

Melissa: Maybe you expect that people won’t believe you. Maybe people will think that the real Gyoengyi is just insane and paranoid. Maybe Sepp Blatter sees this and orders the real Gyoengyi to an institution, leaving you, Myoengmyi, free to continue to pursue your wicked ways.

Gyoengyi: Damn. I suppose you are right. I cannot prove to you that I am the real Gyoengyi. We are, after all, twins.

Graziela: I may be able to help there. [hands jar to Gyoengyi] Tell me what this is.

Gyoengyi: A jar.

Graziela: Yes... and what is in it?

Gyoengyi: [opens jar, sniffs] Is that... urine?!

Graziela: Of course it is. But whose?

Melissa: Wait, how does this prove whether she’s the evil twin or not?

Graziela: Simple. The evil twin is a professor of chemical engineering. So any self respecting professor of chemical engineering should know how to identify urine.

Melissa: Couldn’t she just pretend she didn’t know?

Graziela: Of course she could. But what I haven’t mentioned is the fact that although that jar smells like ordinary urine, it is in fact Charlie Sheen’s urine.

Gyoengyi: [shrieks, drops jar]

Melissa: Gross!

Graziela: Exactly. A real professor of chemical engineering would have detected the traces of alcohol and... um... other stuff... in there. If she was the evil twin, she would have shrieked and dropped the jar the instant she opened it. This is quite clearly the real Gyoengyi.

Gyoengyi: You believe me? Thank you.

Edvard: Okay, well, I have to stop you there. We are out of time, and jars, for today. Thank you for joining us, everyone. Gyoengyi Gaal wins the trip to London, but we must all keep a lookout for her evil twin, it seems. Anyway, this is Edvard van de Kamp, wishing you good tidings and better Schmilblicks. Good night everyone!

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