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WEEKLY WHINE

Commence basking immediately

As you know, the 2011 Women’s World Cup completed in awesome fashion. Even if you are a US supporter, you must surely be pleased with the final, and even if you are a Brazil supporter, you must surely be pleased with the standard of refereeing throughout. But we here at GoobNet cannot simply sit idly by and bask in this awesomeness.

Actually, sure we can. Back in a minute.

Well, that was fun. Anyway, now that there is no more awesomeness to be had, we must now issue awards to those who deserve them. If you know of someone else who deserves award, send that person, including a self addressed stamped envelope big enough to contain that person, to GoobNet Enterprises, Inc. That’s right, just address it “GoobNet Enterprises, Inc”. It will get to us. We promise.

OVERALL RANKING
ChampionPWDLGFGAPts
1Japan641112613
SecondPWDLGFGAPts
2United States632113711
ThirdPWDLGFGAPts
3Sweden650110615
FourthPWDLGFGAPts
4France621310107
QuarterfinalsPWDLGFGAPts
5Brazil43109210
6Germany4301749
7England4220638
8Australia4202676
Eliminated in group phasePWDLGFGAPts
9Nigeria3102123
10Norway3102253
11Mexico3021372
12New Zealand3012461
13Korea DPR3012031
14Colombia3012041
15Equatorial Guinea3003270
16Canada3003170

GOOBNET FOOTBALL COMMITTEE MEMBERS

  • Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]
  • Amber Lynn, junior contributor
  • Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
  • Wen Jialuen, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]

Best Match

Japan 02-02 United States [F/OT; PK: 03-01], SUN 17 JUL 2011

Reg says: This is everything a football match should be: high stakes, high drama, outcome in doubt until the final moment, both sides treating one another with respect during and after.

Worst Match

Canada 00-01 Nigeria, TUE 05 JUL 2011

Wen says: Both teams were already eliminated, and with the lights going out twenty minutes from time, it looked like Germany was trying to send them home as soon as possible.

Silliest Match

Brazil 02-02 United States [F/OT; PK: 03-05], SUN 10 JUL 2011

Amber Lynn says: We were all set to name this the best match before the final came along. Actually, we were all set to name this the best, worst, and silliest match. The match that the US played was best, the match that Brazil played was worst, and the match that Jacqui Melksham refereed was silliest [see below].

Jeff Agoos ¡Autogolazo! Award

Amy LEPEILBET, United States

Reg says: It’s only fitting that the award named for Jeff Agoos should go to an American defender. In the Sweden-US match in Group C, Nilla Fischer took a free kick that deflected off LePeilbet’s leg. Hope Solo, caught wrongfooted by the redirection, could only watch helplessly.

Best Name

Lady ANDRADE, Colombia

Reg says: There may have been 336 ladies at this tournament, but there was only one Lady. Honourable mention to Germany’s Inka Grings. Try it: Inka Grinnngs!

Worst Name

YUN Hyon Hi, Korea DPR

Reg says: Taking into account that Korean surnames come first, we still recommend that she reverse her name: “Hi, Hyon Yun”.

Silliest Name

Aroon CLANSEY, New Zealand

Reg says: “Aroon Clansey” sounds like the name of one of the members of the Committee for the Re-Election of the President in 1972.

Fanatic Fans’ Award for Fanatic Fandom

German fans

Wen says: The spectators turned up in droves. They added immensely to the atmosphere of each match. They even passed judgment on their favourite players [Homare Sawa and Célia Okoyino da Mbabi] and their least favourite players [Marta and Sonia Bompastor].

Best Uniforms

Japan

Wen says: They are the same kits as the men’s team, with the exception that the trim, red for the men, is pink for the women. This makes reference to their Nadeshiko nickname that derives from a type of dianthus flower. So well done there.

Worst Uniforms

Brazil

Wen says: It seems astonishing that Brazil could ever win a Worst Uniforms award, but it’s their own damn fault for wearing shirts with overlined numbers in a font that even the University of Oregon’s American football team wouldn’t wear.

Silliest Uniforms

United States

Wen says: The US’s kits, with the partially undone zipper up the front, are certainly the silliest.

Reg says: That’s not a zipper.

Wen says: If that’s not a zipper, what is it? A vertical seam that suddenly splits in two for no reason and makes the shirt look like a hoodie? Don’t be ridiculous.

Robert Green Award for the Greatest Catastrofuckup

Rachel BUEHLER and Alex KRIEGER, United States

Edvard says: The United States had the final won, until the 81st minute. Japan had played a ball into the area that either Buehler or Krieger should have been able to clear away. They did not, and the ball fell straight into the path of Aya Miyama. The rest is history.

Best Hair

LAETITIA, Equatorial Guinea

Edvard says: Like Amy Wong, but wavier. Honourable mention to Megan Rapinoe of the US: like Howard the Duck, but less. [Didn’t think we’d go that way, did you?]

Worst Hair

JON Myong Hwa, Korea DPR

Edvard says: Like David Tennant, especially when she went up for headers.

Silliest Hair

AÑONMAN, Equatorial Guinea

Edvard says: Like LaBarbara Conrad, but shorter and greener, or sometimes redder. This concludes your science fiction guide to hair at the 2011 Women’s World Cup. Join us next time when we review tattoos at the Copa América with the help of all those craptacular romantic comedy films that can’t think of their own titles, so they simply use the word Love followed by a random dictionary word, like Actually, Happens, or Vomiting. GoobNet Films presents Love Vomiting, coming this autumn to a theatre near you.

“Cheaters Never Prosper” Award

ÉRIKA, Brazil

Amber Lynn says: Érika is responsible for the most embarrassing attempt to waste time ever seen in football. Luckily, the stoppage time added to extra time of the quarterfinal against the US came back to bite her team in the ass, making this a teachable moment for all the world to see. From this moment forward, this award is to be known as the Érika “Cheaters Never Prosper” Award.

Best Referee

Bibiana STEINHAUS, Germany

Amber Lynn says: We all know that the players in a tournament final are under immense pressure, but spare a thought for the match officials. You need only ask the 1966 West German men’s side whether a referee’s decision can change the direction of a final. But Steinhaus and her crew delivered a nearly flawless performance. Of course, that may be because there was a dearth of controversy – no one could dispute that Azusa Iwashimizu’s late challenge was a professional foul, not even Iwashimizu – but nonetheless, give credit where it is due.

Worst Referee

Gyoengyi GAAL, Hungary

Amber Lynn says: Not a surprise here. Equatorial Guinea defender Bruna picked up the ball in her own area and held on to it for a good three seconds before dropping it for her goalkeeper. Neither Gaal nor her assistant seemed to think that there was anything wrong with that.

Silliest Referee

Jacqui MELKSHAM, Australia

Amber Lynn says: She took a lot of criticism for sending Rachel Buehler off and for ordering a retake of the penalty in the epic Brazil-US quarterfinal. But there were three important decisions late in the match that she got right: booking Érika for her feigned injury, adding plenty of stoppage time for said feigned injury, and ordering a retake of Shannon Boxx’s penalty because Andreia came off her line. So because we can’t decide if she was good or bad, we will just cop out and call her silly.

David Tennant “Bees Disappearing?!” Award for the Most Noticeable Evidence of an Impending Sea Change

Birgit PRINZ, Germany

Edvard says: A two time female player of the year, Prinz was already looking out of sorts when she was substituted out of each of Germany’s first two matches. Her response – angry and withdrawn on the bench, curt and disinterested with the press – suggests strongly that prima donnas are indeed coming to women’s football. Honourable mention goes to doping tests. In the first five Women’s World Cup tournaments, there were zero positive tests. This time, there were six, including five of Korea DPR’s players. So now FIFA must ask how much doping there really is in women’s football.

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