WEEKLY WHINE

Stump Edvard with antimatter

This week, a preprint was issued reporting that the PAMELA module, piggybacked on a Russian Earth sensing satellite, has collected evidence of a thin antimatter belt surrounding Earth. Such a belt, found between the two Van Allen belts, has long been suspected but until now has not been observed. The research is due to be published in the Astrophysical Journal Letters.

So there is antimatter around Earth. What can we do about it? Well, there are many ideas, and “Dynamite Eating” Edvard van de Kamp has thought about all of them, except for some that he didn’t care about. Here now are your questions to Edvard and his answers.

Dear Edvard: I just read about the antimatter belt that was just discovered. What type of antimatter does it contain?

– Roger Goyecque
South San Francisco, CA, USA

Dear Roger: According to the research, when the PAMELA module passes through the South Atlantic Anomaly, it detects many more antiprotons than normal. This strongly suggests the existence of a belt of antiprotons.

Dear Edvard: I don’t like antimatter. I don’t want it to come into my bedroom at night like that one guy who does stuff to my toilet. Let’s get rid of it.

– Josefine Delgado
Albus Island, NJ, USA

Dear Josefine: Wait, I’m confused. Who is this guy you’re talking about? Why does he come into your bedroom? Is your toilet in your bedroom? Or is your bedroom the bathroom? Because that would explain it. If your bedroom is the bathroom, you must have all sorts of people coming into your room to use the toilet. And if your bedroom is the bathroom, your house must be even more crowded than the one on that one episode of Doctor Who. You know, when Donna and her family were relocated to Leeds. That was an awesome episode. Not because of Leeds. Although that one bit when they put the big LEEDS stamp on the form was funny. Not that anyone is suggesting that being sent to Leeds is a sentence. But it kind of is. Let’s be honest. Leeds is not London. Or even Dublin. And definitely not Amsterdam.

Anyway, antimatter comes into your bedroom all the time. Cosmic antineutrinos are constantly passing through Earth, and nobody notices or cares. And the antiprotons in the belt cannot get to Earth’s surface anyway. So nothing to worry about there. Go back to the singalong with the Italian family that also lives in your house.

Dear Edvard: I’ll take one large antiproton to go.

– Shauna McGahee
London, England, UK

Dear Shauna: That’ll be GB£5,319,662,014.

Dear Edvard: I have read with interest all of the articles about the new band of antimatter surrounding Earth. But there was one important fact that was never mentioned in any of the articles. What color is it?

– Joe Kang
Houston, TX, USA

Dear Joe: The belt cannot be said to have colour.

Dear Edvard: But how am I supposed to draw it?

– Joe Kang
Houston, TX, USA

Dear Joe: That’s up to you. Send your illustration of the antimatter band to GoobNet Enterprises, Inc. That’s right, just address it GoobNet Enterprises, Inc. It will get to us. We promise. The most awesome illustration will receive a new quark, thanks to our friends at Muster Mark’s Quarks. Muster Mark’s Quarks, for any kind of quark you may require. Visit us at 1.602×10^-19 Murray Av, just off the Beltway. The contest closes at 00:00 UTC on MON 15 AUG 2011, so good luck.

Dear Edvard: The new antimatter belt could be better than discovering oil on the Moon. Antimatter could serve as fuel for interstellar spacecraft. So I am starting a firm that will mine the antimatter belt for spaceship fuel. And I am offering you and all Goob-net readers the opportunity to get in on the ground floor. This is an exciting once in a lifetime opportunity to be part of a new industry, literally as it is forming. Please read more at http://www.####################.com/##########. Thank you.

– Albert Longfellow
Santa Monica, CA, USA

Dear Albert: I’ll make sure to do that.

Dear Edvard: It is irresponsible to announce the existence of antimatter around Earth. That simply incentivises terrorists to collect antimatter to create a bomb. Because you know that’s exactly what they want to do.

– Kilonsha Kouvormongo
Delhi, India

Dear Kilonsha: No it’s not.

Dear Edvard: Antimatter is really not all that interesting. Why does everybody think it’s either a scary weapon or an awesome tool?

– Paul Sorbonono
Marseilles, France

Dear Paul: Because they’re dumb.