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NOT PROVEN TO INCREASE INTELLIGENCE IN PARIS HILTON... BUT LET’S HOPE SO

WEEKLY WHINE

Are you ready for some beagles?

This year’s GoobNet Halloween party was held in an NBA arena somewhere in the United States, because they obviously didn’t have a use for it. The suggested theme this year was borrowed from Whose Line Is It Anyway: People You Wish Would Just Shut Up.

COSTUME REVIEW

Mary-Kate and Ashley: They wore multicoloured dresses, a lot of cheap dangly jewelry, and beat up sandals. Mary-Kate had a sign reading WE ARE THE 99%, and Ashley had a sign reading LESS MONEY IN POLITICS, MORE POLITICS IN POLITICS. SCORE: Three coffee shops that won’t let them use their bathrooms

Janet 1 and Ali 2: They wore unbuttoned flannel shirts with black shirts underneath. Janet 1’s shirt read RIP STEVE, and Ali 2’s showed the Apple logo. SCORE: 16 GB of RAM

Andy: He was a black rectangle with a grid of icons on his front. Midway through the evening, all the icons fell off. “I’m the new iPhone 4S,” he explained. “The battery keeps draining.” SCORE: 1,750 mA•hr

Rich, Jhonny, Mary, Chris, Gaby, and me: We were all dressed as Republican presidential candidates, including the required US flag pin. SCORE: One fawning Fox News interview each, except for me

Emmy and Reese: Emmy was encased in a box that had a display screen on the front depicting the Bank of America logo. There was a keypad and slot beneath that. Reese would stand behind her and point a toy gun over her shoulder at anyone who tried to use her. SCORE: One free cap in your ass per withdrawal

Cristina: She wore a shirt with a large nu on it. She continually went up to everyone and said, “Knock knock”. Before they could complete saying “Who’s there?”, she would answer, “Neutrino!”. SCORE: Sixty two nanoseconds

Nina: She wore a suit and glasses. She continually claimed to be David Stern, but none of us believed her. SCORE: Fifty percent of basketball related income

Reg: He wore a suit with a CONCACAF lapel pin and fake US$100 bills sticking out of the pockets, sleeves, and anywhere else he could fit them. SCORE: Media rights for ten tournaments awarded directly to his son’s company

Angela Ellen, Renee, Charlotte, Edvard, and Debbie: The five of them were all encased in a long piece of cardboard. Angela Ellen, at the front, had We the People on her flank. Debbie, bringing up the rear, had Sarah Palin’s name on her flank. SCORE: One if by land, two if by sea, four hundred twenty if they’re coming to get our guns

Chelsea H: Nothing distinguishing, except for a HELLO MY NAME IS sticker with CHELSEA written on it, and an MTV sticker beneath that. SCORE: Size ten

Chelsea S: Nothing distinguishing, except for a HELLO MY NAME IS sticker with CHELSEA written on it, and an E! sticker beneath that. SCORE: Another glass

Eva: She wore a black basketball jersey with SPURS on the front and 9 on the back. SCORE: Twelve points and nine assists

Tony: He wore tight white pants, big sunglasses, and a baseball cap with SPURS on the front, covered by an international no symbol. SCORE: One block on Wisteria Lane

Steve: He wore a suit with no tie. There was an NBA on TNT pin on the lapel. The whole night, he went around telling everyone things like, “First o’all, they’re all full of it.” SCORE: Twenty eight points and eleven rebounds, but no titles

Charles: He wore a light suit with no tie. There was an Iranian flag pin on the label. He explained, “Does anybody ever care what Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has to say? Even the ayatollah don’t care about him no more.” SCORE: Four thousand damaged centrifuges

Wen: She had a red blouse, a blonde wig, and a folder labelled NONSENSICAL OPINIONS ON SUBJECTS I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. “I’m an amalgamation of all the daytime hosts on Fox News,” she explained. SCORE: Three copies of The O’Reilly Factor for Kids

Deb: She had a cowboy hat, a scarf, sunglasses, a shirt that appeared to be several different NFL jerseys stitched together, and jeans. One foot had a cowboy boot, the other a high heeled leather boot. SCORE: Five annoying opening sequences

Birgit: She wore a white jersey with the German Football Federation crest on the front and her own name and number on the back. SCORE: One second half substitution

GAME

Reg walked out in front of us and said, “How do you know whom to trust? Eye contact? A friendly smile? Honest words? Well, if you see any of those, you must be watching the wrong show, because this is Golden Balls!”

Mary-Kate, Chelsea H, Charles, and Tony played. In the first round, only one Killer ball, belonging to Mary-Kate, was shown on the front row. Chelsea and Tony both claimed one on the back row, which left one missing. Charles insisted that he didn’t have the other one: “First o’all, I got twenty thousand Silly Bucks on the front. If I had the other one, I would just tell you. There ain’t no reason for me to lie.”

The others voted him out, but sure enough, he didn’t have the other Killer. Mary-Kate sheepishly revealed the fourth one. She was then voted out in the next round, but this time she turned out to have only one of the Killers. So with the three remaining original Killers, and the two added in, Tony and Chelsea didn’t fare that well in the final round, amassing only 590 Silly Bucks. They both decided to split and win ¤295 each.

NOTABLE MOMENTS

Gaby and I played a couple of Kinect skiing games with Birgit. We were all exhausted afterward – that Kinect takes a lot out of you.

So we sat down in the third row behind the basket, and Gaby asked Birgit about her costume.

“Yes, I have come as myself,” Birgit confirmed.

I said, “I don’t think you quite understand the concept of Halloween.”

She glared at me from behind her glasses. “I understand it perfectly,” she said. “The theme was people that you wish would shut up, right?”

Gaby and I nodded.

“Well, I do wish that I had shut up after that match against Nigeria.”

One of the highlights of the evening was the impromptu Republican Presidential Candidate Imitate-Off.

It all started with Jhonny singing Herman Cain’s infamous “Imagine there’s no pizza” song. That was immediately followed by Mary giving a Bachmann-esque speech, all while staring a little too hard.

Chris imitated Rick Perry, accusing Gaby of being “for Conan’s show before she was for the against with for in favour of against for everything.” Gaby, in turn, did Mitt Romney: “There’s no truth to that. I have always been in favour of whatever it is we were just talking about.”

As Ron Paul, I gave an impassioned speech about how we don’t need nearly as much government as we have, particularly the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

But at that point, we needed people to portray Newt Gingrich and Jon Huntsman. Jhonny added, “What about Gary Johnson?” This was met with a broad range of responses, from “Who is that?” to “Who the hell is that?” and even “Who the fuck is that?”.

Eventually, we found Charles for a passable Newt Gingrich: “Vote for me! I’m so against health care, I cheat on my wife when she’s in the hospital!”. Edvard went up in front of everyone and said, “Hi, I’m Jon Huntsman. This is more about me than you’ve heard in the entire past year.”

Jhonny won the resulting vote, quite handily. In response, he thanked everyone for their support and added: “And don’t forget about my 9-9-9 plan. Nine percent tax on business transactions, nine percent tax on apples, and nine percent tax on oranges. But no tax on pizza!”

As soon as Steve entered, he announced, “Y’all are killing me with this shit! This is turrrible!”

Charles saw him immediately and responded, “Turrrible! It’s all turrrrible!”

The two shook hands and shared a hearty hug.

“You really wish I would shut up?” Charles asked Steve.

“All the time,” Steve deadpanned.

Charles shook his head. “You’re killing me, man.”

Deb and I, as usual, were the last two out. It took a while to dismantle the candy launcher.

We loaded the launcher’s tube into the truck, and once it was securely tied down, I asked her what her costume was.

“What do you think?” she asked. “What do you see in it?”

“Well, I’m assuming it’s supposed to be Hank Williams Jr and all his rowdy friends,” I answered.

“Yeah, ...“ she said.

As we powered down and secured the control room, I asked her, “There’s more?”

“There’s a little bit more, yeah.”

“Something to do with his recent controversy,” I said. “I don’t know. Hank Williams Jr and all his rowdy friends on speed?”

“What?” she laughed. “No, of course not.”

“Hank Williams Jr and all his rowdy friends sitting around doing nothing.”

“No.”

“Hank Williams Jr and all his rowdy friends playing the theme song to Monday Night... um... Monday Night Puppy Bowl.”

I returned the keys to the building manager, and the two of us climbed into the truck.

Deb said, “That’s close enough.”

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