WEEKLY WHINE

Connections available during Phase 1

Recently, the US state of California authorised a few billion US dollars to be spent on building a high speed rail line connecting Los Angeles to San Francisco.

You are welcome.

Yes, this is exactly what we have been talking about lately here on GoobNet. The GoobNet Highly Effective Accelerated Railway Transit for Accessing National Destinations with a Special Opportunity to Unify Locations plan has revolutionised the way the American people think about trains, and the speed at which they think those thoughts.

Furthermore, last week we presented a glimpse at the grand opening of the first phase of this high speed railway network. Since then, we have received a number of questions about this plan. Many of these questions were of a variety resembling “Did you come up with this plan yourselves, or was it Chuck Norris?” [mostly Chuck], “Why is this plan so awesome?” [see previous answer], or “Why the fuck does the US still not have a high speed rail network like this?” [because we have to wait for Chuck Norris to finish his Earth pushdowns].

The remaining questions are ready to be answered, so let’s take a peek at the GoobNet Mailbox. But only a peek. If you look at it too closely, there is a risk of cataracts. And you know your cat totally hates to be racted.

The changes made to your original proposal are interesting. For example, your line 75 now appears to be part of a much longer line 190, and you seem to have abandoned your plans to extend line 95 into Florida.

– Scott A Arboretum
Santa Barbara, CA, USA

We have indeed made a few modifications. As you note, Lines 75 and 190 have been combined. When Line 190 is up and running in Phase 2, it will be as a loop. The clockwise trains will originate in Toronto, turn east at Hamilton toward Buffalo/​Niagara Falls, loop around Lake Erie, and terminate at Hamilton again. The anticlockwise trains will set off westbound from Hamilton toward London, loop back around to Hamilton a second time, and then proceed northward to Toronto.

Regarding Florida, the segment of track between Jacksonville and Miami will originally open as an extension to Line 10. However, when the Spring Break Express portion of Line 95 is completed in Phase 4, the Jacksonville-Miami segment will be transferred to Line 95, which will then provide continuous service from Miami to Boston.

Likewise, in Phase 2, the Memphis-Chicago segment will be transferred from Line 80 to Line 55, and Line 80 will then proceed westward from Chicago to Omaha.

I was excited to see that there is a connection to Toronto, but disappointed to see that it will not be active until Phase 2. Is there no way to speed it up?

– John Calgomere
Windsor, ON, Canada

Yes, there is a way to speed it up. Canada need only give the US $1,000,000,000,000, and then the US will build all of the lines called for in our plan. It’s that simple, Canada. We accept cash, checks, and all major credit cards. But not toonies. Once you get to a quantity of N dollars, where N is an integer greater than one, it is time to use paper money.

Hello. I live just outside of Anaheim. I would like the 5 train to stop as close to my house as possible. Thank you.

– Jesse Hart
Fullerton, CA, USA

You live in a trailer. The Anaheim station can be as close to your house as you want.

It is fun to see the connections available and how long each trip would take, but has any consideration been given to the trains’ frequency? I would like to see the proposed schedules for these trains.

– Julienne Lazaroo
Cedar Rapids, MI, USA

Very well. You may download the timetables for Phase 1 below.

• System map
• Line 5 timetable
• Lines 10, 35 timetable
• Line 70 timetable
• Line 80 timetable
• Line 95 timetable

Dude, seriously, that LA to Vegas line cannot open soon enough. I am totally fucking stoked for that motherfucker.

– Carl Adams
Azusa, CA, USA

No kidding, dude. It will be so fucking awesome.

Eugene, Oregon is not that close to San Francisco.

– Whitney Wallace
Napa, CA, USA

The map is not to scale, a fact that should be obvious to you if you are aware of the fact that in real life, Lake Ontario is not a perfect rectangle.

I don’t understand some of the decisions about where to put the stations. Why do Columbia, Missouri and Eugene, Oregon have stations, but not Pensacola, Florida and Trenton, New Jersey? I don’t understand it.

– L’Eanise Hamilton
Frontwater, NJ, USA

We tried to ensure reasonable spacing between stations, which is why Newark is the only stop between New York City and Philadelphia. For shorter distances, high speed rail is not useful, and regional rail should be used instead.

On the flip side, we tried to look for reasonably sized cities between the large, well known US cities. If it is a college town, like Columbia, MO or Eugene, OR, so much the better. College students, after all, will likely see high speed rail as an affordable alternative to air travel. That’s right, University of Oregon and University of Missouri parents. Your children are going to visit more often! So put your ramen supplies and washing machines on standby.

The “Gold Line” is yellow.

– Gregor Pandrameg
Sarasota, FL, USA

So are your “pants”. Go away.