WEEKLY WHINE

Lack of honesty does not stump Edvard

Earlier this week, two prominent figures in the sporting world went public about major events in their careers. Cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted the doping allegations against him are true, and collegiate American footballer Manti Te’o admitted that his dead girlfriend Lennay Kekua is dead not because of leukemia, but because she was never alive to begin with.

How did you react to these admissions? Were you angry? Shocked? Relieved?

Or are you confused because you don’t know who they are and don’t care what they inject into their bodies or whether or not they’re in love with fictional characters?

Well, if you’re confused, you made the right choice if you sent your questions about these matters to our very own “Dynamite Eating” Edvard van de Kamp. Edvard is obviously uniquely qualified to talk about hoaxes and about covering things up, so we hope that his answers will lead you to a new level of understanding about these matters.

Dear Edvard: What the hell is going on with this Manti Te’o story?

– Reggie Sanbert
Oceanside, CA, USA

Dear Reggie: Well, if all this is true, how is Te’o going to handle all of this? His girlfriend was in a car wreck, and then she was dead, but then she wasn’t, and then she didn’t exist. He must have sat in his dorm room every night these last few weeks, saying to himself, “I don’t know what the fuck is going on any more.”

Dear Edvard: I have purchased several Livestrong bracelets over the years. But recently, as more evidence about Lance Armstrong’s cheating emerged, I’ve started to have second thoughts. Now that he has admitted that he cheated, I don’t feel like I can wear the bracelets any more. So my question is: Want some Livestrong bracelets? I’m selling them for 25¢ each, or best offer. Everything must go!

– Kelly White
San Antonio, TX, USA

Dear Kelly: No. We recommend keeping the wristbands, but scratching out the V in Livestrong.

Dear Edvard: I play for a professional soccer team that is based in a stadium that used to include “Livestrong” in its name. That agreement ended last week, and the “Livestrong” signs have now been removed from the building. My team says it terminated the agreement because the Livestrong Foundation didn’t meet its contract terms, but the foundation says that my team still owes it money. Who is right?

– Josh Gardner
Kansas City, KS, USA

Dear Josh: They’re both right. Your team did pay less than the US$1,000,000 it was to pay the foundation, but the foundation did violate the part of the contract where it says: “The Foundation agrees that a television appearance by its founder admitting to use of banned substances while in cycling competition is cause for termination.”

Dear Edvard: I need moral guidance on the Manti Te’o story. Since this whole thing about the girlfriend hoax came out, I’ve been making jokes about it with my friends. Like last night, I said to Devontay, “Dude, you couldn’t even get laid by Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend!” But now it appears that he had nothing to do with it, and all he’s guilty of is being a gullible idiot. Is it still okay to joke about that?

– Jefferson Hall
Tammert, MS, USA

Dear Jefferson: For the most part, yes. The joke you cited above is fine, because it’s about the imaginary girlfriend. Jokes about Te’o making her up or being involved in the hoax should be avoided unless it turns out that he was lying about that as well. Unless and until that happens, Te’o’s gullible idiocy is an acceptable joke topic.

Dear Edvard: I have supported the Lance Armstrong/​Livestrong Foundation for years, but lately I have been more concerned about supporting cancer research, which the foundation is not involved in. What other charities are there that support cancer research?

– Sally Baierkaller
Brownsville, TX, USA

Dear Sally: There is a wide variety of charities that support cancer research. We recommend the V Foundation, which awards grants to young physicians and scientists in cancer research, CureSearch, which funds research into childhood cancer, and the Samuel Waxman Cancer Research Foundation, which funds research into all forms of cancer. There are also numerous organisations that support research into specific types of cancer. Any or all of these organisations would surely be pleased to receive your support.

Dear Edvard: This Manti Te’o story just keeps getting stranger and stranger. Today I saw a news article where they talked to a woman who knows Ronaiah Tuisasosopo, the mastermind of the whole thing. She says he told her that he did this same hoax to a lot of other people. What if every college football player has a fake girlfriend?

– Lane Seybroek
Washington, DC, USA

Dear Lane: Actually, that’s a good idea for professional athletes. They might want to have fake girlfriends in hopes of deterring gold diggers.

Dear Edvard: What was the funniest part of the Lance Armstrong interview with Oprah? I thought it was hilarious when he said that for cyclists at the time, injecting testosterone was like putting air in their tires or water in their bottles.

– Jim Savalar
Coventry, England, UK

Dear Jim: I thought this part, in which Winfrey asked Armstrong about a former masseuse who claimed Armstrong was doping, was the most hilarious:

Dear Edvard: I think it’s strange that the situation with Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend is only now coming to light. How many news reporters talked to him at the championship game? How come not one of them bothered to follow up and verify whether Lennay Kekua existed?

– Rob Alsan
New Haven, CT, USA

Dear Rob: Because they’re dumb. This story is a perfect example of why investigative reporting is more important than ever. It took four guys at Deadspin to say to themselves, “You know what? Maybe we should give Stanford a call and ask them if they have a student who died of leukemia and was in a car wreck before that. You know, just to make sure.”