WEEKLY WHINE

The definitive baseball mascot evaluation

There now follows a ranking of the 26 official mascots of Major League Baseball clubs. The primary mascot for each club is included, although some have additional characters who appear at games, like the Milwaukee sausages, and others have unofficial mascots, like the Anaheim Rally Monkey.

1. Phillie Phanatic, Philadelphia: The Phanatic is one of the first mascots to appear as a costumed character. If there was a Mascots Union, the Phanatic would almost certainly be voted president.
2. The Bird, Baltimore: The Bird has been the Orioles’ mascot for more than thirty years. The club now wears a cartoon version of him on the cap.
3. Swinging Friar, San Diego: The Famous Chicken is best known in connection with the Padres, but the Swinging Friar is the club’s official mascot. He has appeared on the sleeves of the team’s uniforms for more than fifteen years, despite the rest of the uniform changing around him.
4. Fredbird, St Louis: This mascot is best known for beaking spectators’ heads.
5. Mr Met, NY Mets: Though he was introduced later than Mr Red, Mr Met is the best known baseball headed mascot. He appears frequently in other media, most notably on ESPN’s “This Is SportsCenter” adverts.
6. Mr Redlegs, Cincinnati: One of two of the club’s baseball headed mascot variations, Mr Redlegs is the one with the handlebar mustache.
7. Bernie Brewer, Milwaukee: Bernie is best known for sliding into an oversized mug of beer after every Brewers home run.
8. Mariner Moose, Seattle: The Moose was known for a stunt in which he would wear inline skates and ride behind an ATV, even after breaking an ankle in a crash in the 1995 playoffs. He no longer performs that stunt, probably because it would void the warranty of Safeco Field.
9. Billy the Marlin, Miami: On Opening Day in 1997, Billy was to parachute into the stadium, but the head of the costume came loose in midair. Despite Dan Patrick’s frequent jokes about this, it was successful in another way, as the Marlins went on to win the World Series that season.
10. Pirate Parrot, Pittsburgh: Though originally dressed in an outfit in the style of Long John Silver, the Parrot’s attire changed to a team jersey and hat after the 1985 Pittsburgh drug trials. This scandal heavily affected the Pirates: a number of players testified before a grand jury, and the man who played the Parrot was later fired after it emerged that he had introduced several players to cocaine and had even been under the influence whilst performing during several games.
11. Lou Seal, San Francisco: This mascot refers to the Giants’ forerunners in San Francisco, the Pacific Coast League’s Seals, as well as the seals found frequently at Fisherman’s Wharf.
12. Dinger, Colorado: Surprisingly, Dinger is one of three costumed dinosaurs introduced in the 1990s, along with Barney and the Toronto Raptors’ mascot. Dinger, though, is the only one that makes sense, as dinosaur fossils were actually dug up whilst the team’s stadium was under construction.
13. Orbit, Houston: A green space alien, Orbit was retired in 2000 but has now returned, replacing a character called Junction Jack. This puts an end to one of the great mysteries in baseball: why a team called the “Astros” would have a railroad engineer rabbit for a mascot.
14. Stomper, Oakland: When the club was based in Philadelphia, New York Giants manager John McGraw famously referred to them as a “white elephant”. Since then, the Athletics have been represented by an elephant, excluding a period in the 1960s and 1970s when a mule, named Charlie O, was used as the mascot. However, we recommend dropping the Stomper name and reverting to his former name, Harry Elephante.
15. Screech, Washington: When the team first moved from Montréal, fourth grade student Glenda Gutierrez won a contest to design the new mascot. Thankfully, however, Screech appears to have no connection to Dustin Diamond’s character from Saved By the Bell.
16. Ace, Toronto: This blue jay is based on the 2004 version of the club’s logo, and he has looked a bit out of place since last year’s uniform change.
17. TC Bear, Minnesota: TC, of course, is named for the Twin Cities.
18. Paws, Detroit: Surprisingly, this mascot has nothing to do with VCRs. The Tigers’ website lists his weight as “Unknown (Ever try to put a Tiger on a scale?)”.
19. Rangers Captain, Texas: The Captain is a horse who is not known for anything in particular.
20. Sluggerrr, Kansas City: This crowned lion is most notable for two controversies: being sued after a hot dog fired from a launcher struck a fan in the eye in 2010, and having far too many Rs in his name.
21. Homer the Brave, Atlanta: A bit of a ripoff of Mr Redlegs and Mr Met, but his name is a successful bit of wordplay.
22. D Baxter the Bobcat, Arizona: This mascot is another symbol of the Diamondbacks’ identity crisis. His name is derived from both the club’s nickname and the original name of its stadium, but the question remains: Why does a team named for a reptile have a mammalian mascot?
23. Raymond, Tampa Bay: Raymond is merely a big blue furry thing, with no connection to the team’s identity other than his name.
24. Southpaw, Chi White Sox: This is a classic case of a name in search of a character. Southpaw is the obvious choice as the name of a mascot representing a baseball team from a city’s south side, but what then should Southpaw be? In reality, he is merely a big green furry thing with no connection to the team’s identity other than his name.
25. Slider, Cleveland: Though Chief Wahoo’s days may be numbered, do not expect Cleveland’s caps to feature Slider’s face any time soon. He is merely a big purple furry thing with no connection to the team’s identity, not even his name.
26. Wally the Green Monster, Boston: At his introduction, longtime Red Sox fans cried, “Are you fucking serious?!” Still, he’s better than the more recent introductions, two giant socks named Lefty and Righty. No, really.