WEEKLY WHINE

White elephant watch

As you know, the Men’s World Cup will be played in Brazil next year. Everyone is excited about this event.

Or at least, they were until the entire nation went into insane protest mode.

The tournament is likely to be a great deal of fun for all those concerned, with the exception of the protesters and the police officers that will be filling the streets, the people who will be unable to go to work because of the streets being filled with protesters and police officers, the spectators who will be unable to go to the stadiums because of the other streets being filled with people who are unable to go to work because of the streets being filled with protesters and police officers, and the players who will end up playing in empty stadiums because of the spectators being unable to go to the stadiums because of the other streets being filled with people who are unable to go to work because of the streets being filled with protesters and police officers.

But what will happen when the tournament is over? Brazil will have built twelve completely new stadiums, some of which may not be as useful during the following fifty years as during the previous fifty days. So we convened the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] to review the stadiums in Brazil and determine what uses they should be put toward after this Men’s World Cup is complete.

ESTÁDIO DO MARACANÁ

Location: Rio de Janeiro, RJ

Capacity: 76,935

Construction status: Completed

Club: None, but used for matches between two of the major Rio clubs: Botafogo, Flamengo, Fluminiense, and Vasco da Gama.

Proposed use: We recommend continuing to use this stadium in the same way, including cup finals and papal masses. However, if Brazil lose the final, don’t be surprised to see Brazilian authorities revoke its national landmark status and tear it down.

ESTÁDIO NACIONAL

Location: Brasília, DF

Capacity: 70,042

Construction status: Completed

Club: None; the two major clubs in Brasília, Brasiliense and Gama, have their own stadiums.

Proposed use: This stadium will be used for the 2016 Summer Olympics. And that’s pretty much it. Instead, we recommend that they open it as a public space and make it available as the permanent home of Brazilian protests.

ARENA DE SÃO PAULO

Location: São Paulo, SP

Capacity: 68,000

Construction status: In progress

Club: Corinthians

Proposed use: Home of Corinthians.

ESTÁDIO CASTELÃO

Location: Fortaleza, CE

Capacity: 64,846

Construction status: Completed

Club: Ceará, Fortaleza

Proposed use: Home of Ceará and Fortaleza. And, just to give them something else to do, why not some more art exhibitions?

ESTÁDIO MINEIRÃO

Location: Belo Horizonte, MG

Capacity: 62,547

Construction status: Completed

Club: Cruzeiro

Proposed use: Invite América and Atlético Mineiro to share the stadium.

ARENA FONTE NOVA

Location: Salvador, BA

Capacity: 56,000

Construction status: Completed

Club: Bahia, Vitória

Proposed use: Based upon the roof collapse earlier this year, this stadium is also useful as a reservoir.

ESTÁDIO BEIRA-RIO

Location: Porto Alegre, RS

Capacity: 51,300

Construction status: In progress

Club: Internacional

Proposed use: In addition to the home of Internacional, we recommend using this stadium as a research centre for the environment in the Guaíba River.

ARENA PERNAMBUCO

Location: Recife, PE

Capacity: 46,154

Construction status: Completed

Club: Náutico

Proposed use: The stadium has become the home of Náutico, but it is in the midst of an area that is being built up with shopping centres, an arena, and a convention centre. We recommend making this the home of the final of the Urban Sprawl Cup.

ARENA DA BAIXADA

Location: Curitiba, PR

Capacity: 43,900

Construction status: In progress

Club: Atlético Paranaense

Proposed use: In addition to use by Atlético Paranaense, we recommend reintroducing the site’s original purpose: a storage depot for the Brazilian army.

ARENA PANTANAL

Location: Cuiabá, MT

Capacity: 42,968

Construction status: In progress

Club: Cuiabá, Mixto

Proposed use: Ah, you’re not catching us out here. This stadium will never be completed – you can’t use a stadium that’s not done.

ARENA AMAZÔNIA

Location: Manaus, AM

Capacity: 42,374

Construction status: In progress

Club: Nacional, Fast Clube, Rio Negro

Proposed use: The home of Fast Clube and Rio Negro? How much more do you need? This is going to be the most awesome stadium in Série C.

ARENA DAS DUNAS

Location: Natal, RN

Capacity: 42,086

Construction status: In progress

Club: América de Natal

Proposed use: We question the need for this stadium. Demolishing it would allow for a far more important project: the expansion of the nearby artificial lake.