WEEKLY WHINE

The need to defuse tensions rapidly

As you know, the situation in Ukraine has gone straight to shit, without even a brief stopover in hell.

We here at GoobNet urge all parties to show restraint and to think about their actions before carrying them out. We also urge all parties not to have a party at any time in the near future. That would totally send the wrong message.

If you are unsure what the right message is, we here at GoobNet remind you that the right message is: “Dude, this shit in Ukraine is totally fucked up, and we are working around the clock and doing everything within our power to make sure that it stops being fucked up very soon.”

We here at GoobNet also urge all parties to stop writing in to the GoobNet Mailbox. It is already full of panicked questions from befuddled world leaders who have no idea what to do. Before the GoobNet Mailbox refused to accept any more panicked questions, however, we were able to respond to the following panicked questions from befuddled world leaders who have no idea what to do.

A very delicate situation has arisen here in Crimea. We Crimeans feel that we are being held prisoner to events beyond our control and should make use of our own autonomy. However, this could destabilise the region and lead to a war between Ukraine and Russia. What should I do?

– Sergiy Aksyonov
Sevastopol, Ukraine

You should tell both Arseniy Yatsenyuk and Vladimir Putin to withdraw their troops. You may also consider using the phrase “GTFO”.

A very delicate situation has arisen in Ukraine. The Crimea is threatening to break away from Ukraine, and it appears that Russia is ready and willing to help it do so. What should I do?

– Barack Obama
Washington, DC, USA

You should continue to do what you are currently doing: an intensive diplomatic effort to encourage all parties to deescalate and respect the rule of international law, all in quiet so that your political opponents can loudly and frequently accuse you of doing nothing, even though to them, anything short of a full scale invasion counts as doing nothing.

A very delicate situation has arisen in Ukraine. The situation there is deteriorating rapidly, and I fear that no parties involved have respect for the nation’s sovereignty and territorial integrity. What should I do?

– Ban Ki Moon
New York City, NY, USA

You should continue to do what you are currently doing: an intensive diplomatic effort to encourage all parties to deescalate and respect the rule of international law, all in quiet so that war hawks in all nations can loudly and frequently accuse you of doing nothing, even though to them, anything short of a full scale invasion counts as doing nothing.

A very delicate situation has arisen here in Crimea. Because of the organisation that makes illegitimate claims of authority in Kyiv, I have formed an independent navy for the autonomous republic of Crimea. However, there is a risk that other actors could attempt to retake the republic. What should I do?

– Denys Berezovsky
Sevastopol, Ukraine

You should enforce strict rules of engagement. Any type of incident involving Russian or Ukrainian troops could escalate rapidly, and you want to limit that likelihood as much as you possibly can.

A very delicate situation has arisen in Ukraine. We in Russia feel that we should be involved somehow, but there are a number of actions that we could take. What should I do?

– Dmitri Medvedev
Moscow, Russia

You should continue to do what you are currently doing: whatever Vladimir Putin tells you. That seems to be working for you so far.

A very delicate situation has arisen in Ukraine. Vladimir Putin has essentialy been given free rein to invade Ukraine at any time. What should I do?

– Anders Fogh Rasmussen
Brussels, Belgium

You should congratulate yourself on correctly using the phrase “free rein” instead of “free reign”.

A very delicate situation has arisen in Ukraine. Regardless of what that chick with the braids says, I am still totally the president. What should I do?

– Viktor Yanukovych
Rostov-on-Don, Russia

You should learn Yulia Tymoshenko’s name. Also, don’t ring either of your bells at any time in the near future.

A very delicate situation has arisen here in Ukraine. Our country is sharply divided into two factions, one that wants closer ties with Europe and one that wants closer ties with Russia. The disagreement is rapidly becoming an armed conflict. What should I do?

– Arseniy Yatsenyuk
Kyiv, Ukraine

You should hide under your desk.