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WEEKLY WHINE

Cheetahs, violins, and sandwiches

As you know, whenever any Olympic Games conclude, it is time for the international media to wonder whether the host nation spent way too much money on them [yes], whether they were the best ever [no], whether it even makes sense to determine whether one Olympic Games were better than another [no], and whether that will stop them from wondering whether they were the best ever [no].

However, Sochi 2014 ended so quickly that we were not able to collect enough data to determine whether Russia spent way too much money on these Olympics. We will need to drive the Road to Nowhere a few more times.

But whilst we’re doing that, we will give you our review of these Olympics.

Note: Rich is not eligible to participate, because he is driving. Also, he should totally turn up the AC.

GOOBNET SOCHI 2014 REVIEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

  • Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn’t actually exist however]
  • Deb Harratsch, GoobNet managing editor
  • Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
  • Gaby Gandalucci, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]

Best Event

Women’s 4×5 km cross country relay

Deb says: After the third leg, Sweden were 25 seconds off the pace set by Finland and Germany, but Charlotte Kalla turned in the performance of a lifetime, completing her leg in 12:10.4 and securing gold for the Swedish side.

Worst Event

Men’s figure skating

Deb says: The men’s figure skating at these Olympics will always be remembered as the event that nobody wanted to win. Evgeni Plushenko was forced to withdraw after sustaining an injury in warmups for the short programme. In the long programme, leader Yuzuru Hanyu of Japan fell twice, but several mistakes by his nearest rival, Canada’s Patrick Chan, meant that Hanyu still won gold.

Silliest Event

Men’s 5000 m short track relay A final

Edvard says: On the first turn, Dutch skater Freek van der Wart collided with China PR’s Wu Dajing. Kazakhstan appeared to have been gifted the bronze, but the Dutch and Chinese skaters caught up over the remaining 44 laps. Honourable mention to the women’s 500 m short track A final, in which Li Jianrou won gold easily after a first lap collision took out the other three competitors.

Sark’s Abolition of Feudalism ‘Well, It’s About Fucking Time’ Award

Women’s ski jumping

Gaby says: It was always incredibly outrageous to ski off of a cliff. But it was always even more outrageous to let men, but not women, do that.

Icelandic Men’s Handball Award for the Most Unlikely Medallist

Vic WILD, Russia

Edvard says: Prior to the Olympics, snowboarder Wild had won one career World Cup event. But in Sochi, Wild won both the men’s parallel slalom and the men’s parallel giant slalom. Thus, he claimed the title of best boarder in the house from his wife, Alena Zavarzina, the bronze medallist in the women’s parallel giant slalom.

Best Uniform

Anna FENNINGER, Austria

Deb says: The gold medallist in the women’s super giant slalom and silver medallist in the women’s giant slalom is also a great friend of the cheetahs, having visited Namibia to help a cheetah conservation organisation. Her cheetah print helmet was far and away the best seen at these Olympics.

Worst Uniforms

Opening ceremony uniforms, United States

Reg says: Ralph... stop it. Just stop it.

Silliest Uniforms

White ice hockey uniforms, Russia

Reg says: The Russian coat of arms in the centre is not silly. The eagle wings on the shoulders are not silly. The silhouette of the two headed eagle is not silly. Only by combining all these things could Russia come up with the silliest uniforms. Honourable mention to the Norwegian curlers and their pants.

Most Dominant Performance

Speed skaters, Netherlands

Edvard says: In the ten individual events on the long track, Dutch skaters won six golds and 21 total medals, including medal sweeps in four events. That, plus gold in both the men’s and women’s team pursuit, three new Olympic records, and twelve out of a possible sixteen men’s medals, adds up to total Dutch domination.

Gaby says: I guess you could say the Oranje are operating like clockwork.

Edvard says: You could, but you shouldn’t.

Eric ‘the Eel’ Moussambani Award for the Least Dominant Performance

Vanessa VANAKORN, Thailand

Deb says: Vanakorn competed in the women’s giant slalom and finished both runs, though she ended up with a total time more than fifty seconds behind the leader and eleven seconds adrift of her nearest competitor. Still, at least she has an alternative career to fall back on: she is better known as violinist Vanessa-Mae.

Robert Green Award for the Greatest Catastrofuckup

Weather

Gaby says: When cross country skiers are competing in tank tops, you have probably held your Winter Olympics in the wrong place.

Best Name

Bart SWINGS, Belgium

Edvard says: With a fifth place finish in the men’s 10,000 m speed skating, he certainly does. Honourable mention to Swiss bobsledder Beat Hefti, who ought to take up DJing in order to lay down some hefti beats.

Gaby says: Oh, so that terrible pun is just fine, but my great Clockwork Oranje line doesn’t pass muster for you? Go back to Holland, Eddie.

Edvard says: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you with all my speed skating gold medals around my neck.

Gaby says: That makes no sense. Also, you personally did not win them. It’s just a bunch of people who happen to have been born in the same arbitrarily bordered land region as you.

Edvard says: Yes, that is how international sport works.

Worst Name

Ståle SANDBECH, Norway

Gaby says: Wen said to me, “Hey, look at who won the silver in men’s slopestyle: Stale Sandwich!” Dishonourable mention to Macarena Simari Birkner of Argentina. Yes, we know Macarena is a common name in Spanish, but that name, like Adolf, has been ruined forever.

Silliest Name

Eetu VAEHAESOEYRINKI, Finland

Gaby says: This Finnish Nordic combiner may have finished 38th in the individual normal hill and 39th in the individual large hill, but he came in first in vowel pairs.

Most Misunderstood News Story

Protests, Ukraine

Reg says: Does the unrest in Ukraine mean that open, liberal democracy doesn’t work, as Russia would have you believe? Of course not. Does it mean that Russia must be stopped from seizing control of all of eastern Europe, as those few American reporters who are discussing this would have you believe? Of course not. It is simply a complex story with vast implications throughout the world that should also receive attention, even if the Olympics are happening at the same time.

Most Superfluous Competition

Team figure skating

Reg says: Wait, why do we have this again?

Deb says: So we can figure out which figure skating team is the best.

Reg says: Don’t we already have a way to do that? You know, by waiting to see which one wins the most gold medals?

Deb says: Oh. Then I guess it’s there because NBC demanded more figure skating.

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