WEEKLY WHINE
Luis Suárez’s biting habits have once again landed him in hot water. The Uruguay forward has been banned from all footballing activities for four months, and suspended for nine international matches, after biting Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini during their match at the 2014 Men’s World Cup.
Four months is a long time to spend without biting anyone, though. What will Suárez do with his teeth during that time? We asked the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] to come up with some ideas.
Gaby: Has anyone tried just putting a pacifier in there when the match starts?
Nina: Dude, just tell him to chew some gum.
Rich: Just give him some ribs.
Wen: Whose ribs?
Rich: Not mine.
Gaby: Braaains!
Rich: What are those things you give babies?
Wen: Spankings?
Nina: Actually, that is a good idea. That’s what that wacko needs. A good spanking.
Rich: No, no. There’s something you give babies when their teeth are coming in. You put it in their mouth.
Gaby: Teething ring.
Rich: Yeah.
Gaby: I don’t think that’s the problem, though. His teeth don’t hurt.
Jhonny: Did you see what he did after he bit the guy, though? He was holding his mouth. He was like, “Aaaah! Omigod! That dude totally put his shoulder into my teeth!”
Gaby: So he needs the teething ring after he bites someone?
Rich: Yeah, that’s no good. We need something he can bite in lieu of a person.
Nina: He could bite himself.
Wen: If you could figure a way to do that, it would make so many people so happy.
Jhonny: How about some cashews? There’s that huge cashew tree in Brazil.
Wen: Perhaps he could enjoy some tasty Brazil nuts. Actually, never mind. He might misunderstand.
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