WEEKLY WHINE
We are now in a golden age of football kits. Your favourite team wears an absolutely stunning kit that is simple, yet effective, making for a timeless look that would not be out of place in any of the last ten decades. It’s way the hell better than what your favourite team wore eighteen years ago. Remember that? That was totally hideous. And the away kit was even worse.
Of course, not all teams look as good as your favourite team. So the GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] has examined the kits to be worn at the 2014 Men’s World Cup in Brazil and offered recommendations where needed. You yourself can see all the teams’ kits over on Historical Football Kits and decide on your own.
We have also offered a recommendation to FIFA: Get the hell out of the way and let teams design their own kits. No, really.
Brazil, as always, have a classy set of kits available. We are not completely sold on the horizontal stripes on the second shirt, but we will wait to see how they look in the competition.
Yay! Croatia’s back! The rest of the world is delighted to see Croatia in the Men’s World Cup for the first time since 2006. The kits are good, particularly the secondary blue with checkerboard stripes. However, we can’t help but look back fondly on their 1998 first jersey, which had a fun wave in the checkerboard pattern instead of the simple right angles they have worn since.
Mexico, of course, unveiled their new kits last year when they were in the midst of their “Oh noes we might not qualify” panic. At the time, this was wholly appropriate, as the lightning bolts represented what they would do to their coach if they failed to qualify. We feel that the first kit is reasonable, but we are thoroughly opposed to the second kit. We urge teams not to dress like goalkeepers, no matter how many jerseys they think they can sell.
The Indomitable Lions can regularly be counted upon to provide fun kits, and that has again been achieved this time.
We are ambivalent about Spain’s kits. Yes, the first choice kit looks wonderful, and the alternate white kit is simple and elegant, but there are significant problems. First, Spain wear blue shorts with their red shirts. No exceptions. Second, that black kit is a goalkeeper’s uniform. Third, FIFA, there is no reason whatsoever for you to demand third kits from teams. For their match against the Netherlands, we could have Spain in red and the Netherlands in blue, or we could have Spain in black and the Netherlands in orange. There are two combinations that work, and you disregarded both of them.
Suitable as is. We enjoy the old Dutch crest in place of the Royal Netherlands Football Association’s modern logo.
We are pleased with Chile’s simple design. We also take this opportunity to remind Spain that there is still time to borrow Chile’s blue shorts.
The Socceroos’ choices this time are stylish, and the prominent collar works well with this design. Our only quibble relates to the choice of white socks rather than gold.
Colombia returns to the Men’s World Cup for the first time since 1998, but in that time they have forgotten their identity. Their familiar blue shorts and red socks are present, but paired with their secondary red jersey rather than the traditional yellow. The yellow shirt, meanwhile, looks horrible when paired with white shorts.
These are simple and understated designs, but still, we would prefer to see something more interesting. Why not a pirate ship design on the shoulder?
This is a sparse appearance for the Elephants. There is a subtle design on the shoulders, but we fear that these will be invisible to television viewers.
We are pleased with Japan’s first kit, particularly with the addition of pink trim, as first worn by Japan’s Women’s World Cup winning squad. The second, however, makes us wonder who allowed the Seattle Sounders in.
We enjoy this offering from Uruguay, particularly the gold detailling on the first kit that evokes the Sol de Mayo on the national flag.
The navy blue wave across the shirt is a fun splash of colour, something that Costa Rica often enjoy adding to their kits.
We like these kits enough, but there is still something horribly wrong about England in all white. Let’s have the blue shorts back, please.
It is always pleasant when Italy have green, white, and blue trim on their blue kit. This time they have even added some to their white jersey and socks. However, we could do without the pinstripes.
Yep, those are football uniforms.
Ecuador has taught Colombia a lesson on how to make a yellow, blue, and red kit. We would suggest white trim rather than yellow on the blue shirt, but overall, this is a very pleasing set of kits.
Les Bleus have chosen to go retro this time round, and we are pleased with the result. Although we were always fans of the gold version of the cockerel crest, this version is just as impressive.
In recent years, Honduras have on occasion worn blue and white stripes. We would encourage them to do so again this time.
No, no, a thousand times no. Argentina is to wear black shorts with the sky blue and white striped jersey.
These are amongst the simplest kits on show at this tournament. We encourage them to add some yellow trim, or a dragon pattern, or something. Really, anything to make us remember that you exist.
Like that. See? A red stripe extending onto the sleeve, and a cheetah pattern. Team Melli knows what to do.
This time, the Super Eagles are turning out in more of a lime green. This is certainly an adventurous choice, but all it does is remind us of their disastrous Chernobyl Green kits of 2002.
Attention Germany: You are Germany. You wear black shorts with your white jerseys, because you are Germany. That is all.
We never quite understood Portugal’s traditional white and blue change kit, but hey. Whatever. We like the return to a darker shade of red on the first kit.
We are quite pleased with what Ghana has made available. There is a pattern in both kits based on traditional woven fabrics found in Ghana. We are, however, having some difficulty locating the black star.
The home kit is pleasant enough, but the away one does a poor job trying to incorporate red, white, and blue. We demand a return to the diagonal sash found in 2010.
The Red Devils have presented a good first choice uniform, but we’re not sold on the black one. We’d like to see it in action before making a decision.
Algeria have generally kept to simple designs, but we want to remember that they exist as well.
We here at GoobNet believe that Russia were appealing directly to us when they introduced their kits based on Russian and Soviet space exploration. The back collar features Yuri Gagarin’s famous shout of Poyekhali!.
We like these kits enough, but we find ourselves longing for the tiger stripes found on their 2010 uniforms.
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