WEEKLY WHINE

The mailbox

Recently in the news is graphene. It has many properties that are making fans of many people.

So we opened the GoobNet Mailbox up for questions about graphene.

Recently not in the news is Seinfeld. It had many properties that made fans of many people.

So we opened the GoobNet Mailbox up for questions about Seinfeld.

As it turned out, we didn’t get any good questions about either. So here it is: A GoobNet Mailbox for the rest of us!

As usual, be wary and remain vigilant at all times while the GoobNet Mailbox is open. And do be sure not to use the meat slicer while you’re wearing a puffy shirt.

What exactly is graphene?

– Shayna Sepitkolla
Ann Arbor, MI, USA

Graphene is a material made up of carbon atoms arranged in a sheet.

What exactly is Seinfeld?

– Dafydd Llewellyn
Swansea, Wales, UK

Seinfeld was a television programme about nothing. It ran for nine seasons and featured the adventures of Jerry Seinfeld, George Costanza, Elaine Benes, and Cosmo Kramer.

What good is graphene?

– UrsulaRainn Kavitova
Hunserberg, VA, USA

Graphene is totally awesome. It has unique properties of reactivity [much higher than any other form of carbon], electrical conductivity [nanoribbons of graphene can act like waveguides], and thermal conductivity [also much higher than any other form of carbon]. Most importantly, though, it is stronger than any other known material, with a tensile strength double that of the strongest carbon nanotube yet created, and fifty times that of diamond.

What good is Seinfeld?

– D’Ron Baker
Spokane, WA, USA

Seinfeld is totally awesome. It was the most popular, most influential, and perhaps the most realistic television programme of the 1990s. It popularised many features that are taken for granted in current programmes: a central cast made up of friends rather than a family or coworkers, multiple plot lines per episode that repeatedly intersect, and of course, the “no hugging, no learning” rule against forced sentimentality.

How was graphene created?

– Rebecca McWulder
Savannah, GA, USA

Graphene was first created at the University of Manchester in 2004 by pulling one layer of carbon atoms at a time from graphite and then placing the layer on a silicon dioxide wafer. Once this was done, its unusual properties were observed, confirming for the first time the theoretical predictions about graphene that had been published over the previous sixty years.

How was Seinfeld created?

– Bob Arnalee
Wollongong, NSW, Australia

Jerry Seinfeld was originally commissioned to create a special for NBC about how comedians come up with their material. He began to develop it with Larry David, but the two eventually decided to turn it into a pilot for a sitcom instead. Test audiences did not enjoy the pilot, but NBC aired it anyway for some reason in 1989. It earned good ratings and good critic reviews, and so NBC picked up four more episodes.

Can graphene really stop bullets?

– Laurie Baker
Pipesborough, NV, USA

Maybe. Recent research at the University of Massachusetts suggests that graphene sheets can withstand impacts up to ten times greater than what steel can do.

Here is my pitch for an episode of Seinfeld entitled “The Graphene”: Kramer tells Jerry of a friend of Newman’s who is getting him a great deal on graphene and asks if Jerry wants some. [Jerry: “What am I gonna do with a bunch of graphene?”] Meanwhile, Elaine is going out with a man named Andre, who just got a new job as a supercapacitor designer, but he cannot find the right material to use. Elaine then lists a number of increasingly outlandish materials, including molybdenum and velour, that Andre might want to use in his supercapacitor. Andre is increasingly bewildered. Meanwhile, Frank Costanza is trying to enlist George’s help in starting a company that makes bulletproof vests using graphene. George agrees but is eventually fired when he fills the vests with graphane, an error discovered when a police officer is shot and put into a coma while wearing the vest. Jerry, Kramer, Elaine, and George visit the officer in the hospital, with Kramer still trying to convince the others to purchase his graphene. Kramer then lists a number of increasingly outlandish things that Jerry might want to use his graphene for, including photovoltaics and a dispersion in a polymer matrix. [Jerry: “Where am I gonna get a polymer matrix from?” Kramer: “I can getcha one of those too!”] The next day, as Kramer is waiting in line to patent all of his graphene ideas, he sees a television report that the officer has emerged from his coma and has submitted a number of patents all using graphene, which he says came to him in a dream. When Kramer reaches the patent official, he discovers that all of his ideas were already patented earlier in the day. He then lists a number of increasingly outlandish ideas, all of which have already been patented. [Kramer: “Lubricating steel?” Official: “Patented.” Kramer: “Well, what about distilling vodka?” Official: “Patented.” Kramer: “Oh, come on!”] Disappointed, Kramer leaves the patent office, but he sees Frank Costanza on the way out. Frank says that although his bulletproof vest business has gone under, he has come to patent a new idea: bulletproof knee socks. Kramer mentions that all of his ideas have already been patented, but Frank suggests suing the police officer who patented them. Meanwhile, Elaine and Andre run into Jerry, who jokingly lists a number of increasingly outlandish materials, including the same ones that Elaine mentioned, that Andre might want to use in his supercapacitor. [Jerry: “You know, what you oughta do is put some velour in there. That’ll supercapacitate you right up.”] Andre is heartily amused, which dismays Elaine. Later, Elaine confronts Jerry, upset that he has made her look foolish. George then arrives and proudly tells the others that Frank has obtained a restraining order against him, meaning that he can no longer approach within one hundred feet of Frank’s place of business. [Elaine: “Isn’t his place of business his house?” George: “Exactly! Now I don’t have to go visit them any more! I just go, ‘Ma, you know I’d love to, but you heard what the judge said!’”] George explains that Frank has a shipment of bulletproof knee socks coming in that day. Kramer then enters and announced that he has settled his lawsuit with the police officer. The others ask if Kramer received part ownership of the officer’s business or a portion of the profits. Kramer reveals what he did receive. [Kramer: “A lifetime supply of graphene! As much as I can eat!” Jerry: “You don’t eat graphene!” Kramer: “Not yet. That’s what we at Kramerica Industries aim to change. You want in, buddy?” Jerry: “No!”] Then, Newman rushes to Jerry’s door and announces that a barge full of graphene has run aground in the Hudson River and that tons of graphene are available for the taking. He and Kramer rush off to collect the graphene, while the others watch the news coverage of the accident, from which they learn that the barge was carrying bulletproof knee socks. [Elaine: “So that’s all your father’s...?” George: “Yeah.” Jerry: “That’s a shame.” Freeze frame.]

– Carolyn Baduca
Queens, NY, USA

What’s the deal with people who think graphene would make a good sitcom episode? Go away.