WEEKLY WHINE

A fishy requisite

Have you ever wondered what other people use for aftershave lotion?

No?

Well, that’s going to be a challenge. We have brought in our very own expert on everything, “Dynamite Eating” Edvard van de Kamp, to answer questions about aftershave lotion.

However, it seems that his prediction about people not wondering what other people use for aftershave lotion has turned out to be accurate. We will instead have to ask him to respond to your questions about fish.

Dear Edvard: Why is there only one NCAA Division I institution whose sports teams are named after fish?

– Michelle Alexander
Atlas, FL, USA

Dear Michelle: There are zero institutions in NCAA Division I with fish nicknames.

Dear Edvard: What about the Jacksonville Dolphins?

– Michelle Alexander
Atlas, FL, USA

Dear Michelle: Dolphins are mammals.

Dear Edvard: There are some Division I colleges with aquatic names: the Jacksonville Dolphins, the Navy Midshipmen, the Stony Brook Seawolves, the UNC Wilmington Seahawks, the Vanderbilt Commodores, and the Wagner Seahawks.

– Cynthia Cooper-Dyke
Wilmington, NC, USA

Dear Cynthia: One could also count the Ducks of the University of Oregon, the Ospreys of the University of North Florida, the Penguins of Youngstown State University. There are also several institutions that use the nickname “Pirates” or “Privateers”.

Dear Edvard: Why are there so few professional sports teams named after fish? The only two in the US named after fish are the Marlins and the Dolphins.

– Lisa Baker
Coral Gables, FL, USA

Dear Lisa: Dolphins are still mammals. But sharks are cartilaginous fish, so the San Jose Sharks also qualify as a fish named team.

Dear Edvard: What about the Tampa Bay Rays? They were originally called the Devil Rays. Isn’t that a fish or something?

– Joe Maddon
Chicago, IL, USA

Dear Joe: Yes, rays are cartilaginous fish related to sharks.

Dear Edvard: Another notable sporting club named after fish is the Hiroshima Toyo Carp, where I played for two years.

– Randy Johnson
San Diego, CA, USA

Dear Randy: No you didn’t. You played in Major League Baseball for 22 years, most notably with Seattle and Arizona.

Dear Edvard: That’s Randall David Johnson. I’m Randall Glenn Johnson.

– Randy Johnson
San Diego, CA, USA

Dear Randy: Ah. Thanks for clearing that up. Anyway, why is everyone asking about fishy sports teams? We wanted questions about actual fish.

Dear Edvard: How are fish classified, biologically?

– Mike Golic
Bristol, CT, USA

Dear Mike: There is no single category into which all fish fall. Broadly speaking, all members of the infraphylum Gnathostomata [jawed vertebrates] that are not also members of the superclass Tetrapoda [four limbed vertebrates].