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WEEKLY WHINE

Interaction: Women’s World Cup forecast

Kügenliche: Hello everyone, and we welcome you here to Vancouver, BC, Canada on this twentieth day of June 2015. We are now just one hour away from the start of the elimination phase at this Women’s World Cup. Sixteen teams remain, but only one of them will lift the trophy at BC Place, here behind us, in two weeks’ time. Who will it be? Well, for those who are too impatient, we have convened a panel in order to discuss the situation and determine the most likely outcome, as well as some other important predictions that we will get to later in the hour. Let us meet our panel first. We have a former Brazilian footballer and now commentator on the game in South America, Ms Maria Beires-Nal.

Beires-Nal: Hi.

Kügenliche: We have a former Japanese footballer and now host of a podcast on the game in Japan, Ms Noriko Fuujima.

Fuujima: Hi!

Kügenliche: We have a former American footballer and now owner of a gymnasium in Tucson, AZ, USA, Ms Jilli Ceicloma.

Ceicloma: Hello.

Kügenliche: And we have a former Canadian footballer and now host of a viewing party here in Vancouver, Ms Veronique Dublei.

Dublei: Hello.

Kügenliche: And welcome to you all. Thank you for joining us. Well, it looks like all of the title favourites are represented on our panel save for Germany. Could we not get anyone to represent Germany? [pause] Ah. Very well then. I am being told that I represent Germany. So, the first question is for me. How do I expect Germany to perform in the elimination phase? Good question, me. I think Sweden have shown too much dependency on Lotta Schelin. I expect Germany to shut her down and win that match. The quarterfinal will presumably be against France, by whom I have not been significantly impressed so far in this tournament. I expect Germany to win that match as well, which would lead them to the semifinals, likely against the United States. If Abby Wambach finds her goalscoring form, this will pose an enormous challenge for Germany. However, I do not think she will. I think Germany will win this match as well and reach the final, which I think will be against Japan. It will be an enormously challenging battle for both sides, but I expect Germany to win 1-0 in extra time. Interesting. Certainly some detailled analysis presented there. Thank me. Let us go to you next, Maria, and ask how you think Brazil will fare. They have a round of 16 match against Australia upcoming.

Beires-Nal: Yes. I think Brazil are likely to defeat Australia, but it will be very close. Australia have proven themselves a very good team. But I do not think Brazil will advance beyond the quarterfinals. I think Japan will win that match.

Kügenliche: Interesting. Well, Noriko, do you agree with that assessment? How far do you think Japan will go?

Fuujima: I actually agree with you, except that Japan will defeat Germany in the final in extra time. Also, it will be 2-1 and not 1-0.

Kügenliche: Well, certainly much to consider there. Jilli, your assessment of the American squad’s chances?

Ceicloma: I think it depends upon one thing.

Kügenliche: All right. Hedging your bets, then. Veronique, what do –

Ceicloma: Wait. Aren’t you going to ask me what that one thing is?

Kügenliche: No. Veronique, what do you think of –

Ceicloma: But I had a whole speech planned out. It was going to be a dramatic reveal of –

Kügenliche: Sorry, no dramatic reveals are permitted on this programme. The only reveal in which we are currently interested is Veronique’s.

Dublei: [removes shirt]

Kügenliche: Er... actually, I was asking you if you could reveal your opinions of Canada’s chances in the elimination phase.

Dublei: Oh. Then should I put my shirt back on, or...?

Kügenliche: I... I believe that perhaps you should, yes.

Dublei: [puts on shirt] I think that Canada will reach the semifinals but will lose to Brazil at that point.

Fuujima: Sorry, what sort of party did you say you were hosting?

Dublei: A viewing party.

Ceicloma: Viewing of what exactly?

Kügenliche: Well, I’m afraid I will have to –

Ceicloma: Wait, hold on. Was anybody else weirded out by that?

Dublei: There is nothing weird about it.

Ceicloma: Not you. Anybody else?

Beires-Nal: No. I thought it was funny.

Ceicloma: It wasn’t funny.

Beires-Nal: It was funny.

Ceicloma: No, no. It was weird. I’m pulling the Handle of Weirdness.

Dublei: No! Don’t!

Ceicloma: [pulls Handle of Weirdness]

[Klaxons sound. Multicoloured lights on exterior of BC Place flash.]

Kügenliche: Well, Jilli, you have now pulled the Handle of Weirdness. That means you have an opportunity to avoid the next weird thing that happens on this programme. But be careful, because if you fail to predict the next weird thing, then that means we will enter Double Weirdness, in which every weird thing is doubled. So, Jilli, please tell us what the next weird thing to happen on this programme will be.

Ceicloma: Veronique telling us what they view at her party.

Kügenliche: Veronique telling us what they view at her party. All right. That is the weird thing that you want to avoid. And if that is indeed the next weird thing to happen on this programme, then you will have successfully avoided it. But the next weird thing is... you pulling the Handle of Weirdness in hopes of avoiding the answer to the very same question that you just asked.

Dublei: That is not actually weird, is it? Merely ironic?

Kügenliche: No, it’s pretty weird. Therefore, Jilli, your pull of the Handle of Weirdness has been unsuccessful. And that means we now enter Double Weirdness. That means every weird thing is doubled. Veronique, please remove your shirt again.

Dublei: [removes shirt]

Kügenliche: And Jilli, remove your shirt.

Ceicloma: Wait, what?

Kügenliche: As I have just said, we are in Double Weirdness. Every weird thing is doubled. The first weird thing was Veronique removing her shirt. Therefore, you must remove your shirt as well.

Ceicloma: But I’m not wearing a bra!

Dublei: You’re not? And you think I’m weird?

Ceicloma: Shut up!

Beires-Nal: I too am not wearing a bra.

Ceicloma: [to Fuujima] Are you wearing a bra?

Fuujima: I hardly think that is any of your concern.

Ceicloma: No, come on. If you’re wearing a bra, then you can take your blouse off instead of me.

Fuujima: I think it is much more appropriate for you to remove your shirt.

Ceicloma: What? Then I’ll be topless! That’s even more weird!

Kügenliche: Correct. We will need someone else to be topless. Veronique, please remove your bra.

Dublei: [folds arms over chest; alarmed] Sorry?

Kügenliche: Hurry, please. Time is moving.

Beires-Nal: Why can I not simply wear Veronique’s bra? Then she and Jilli will both be topless, and the rest of us will have both a shirt and a bra.

Dublei: But my bra will never fit you.

Beires-Nal: Then I give my shirt to you. [removes shirt, hands it to Dublei] Now Jilli and me will both be topless.

Dublei: But this won’t fit me either!

Kügenliche: Yes, if you give your shirt to Veronique, then we will need someone else to wear an ill fitting shirt. Veronique, give me your shirt and put on Maria’s. Thank you. [takes Dublei’s shirt, puts it on]

Dublei: [puts on Beires-Nal’s shirt]

Kügenliche: Right. Jilli, we still need you to take off your shirt. Quickly, please.

Ceicloma: Fine. [removes shirt] Ugh. This is so humiliating.

Fuujima: Did you not bring this upon yourself?

Ceicloma: Who asked you, bitch?

Kügenliche: That is enough. Well, we are out of time for today, and so it only remains for me to thank our panel, Ms Veronique –

Beires-Nal: Wait. What happened to the viewer questions?

Kügenliche: We do not have any time for viewer questions today.

Fuujima: Really? That is weird.

Kügenliche: Correct. And therefore it is doubled. We have no time for viewer questions twice. Which means, of course, that we do have time for viewer questions.

Beires-Nal: That does not make sense.

Kügenliche: Our first question is from Melanie in Montréal, QC, Canada. Hello Melanie.

Melanie in Montréal: Hello.

Kügenliche: What is your question?

Melanie in Montréal: I notice that shirt does not fit on Veronique. Therefore, I would like to ask Veronique to flex and say, “She-Hulk smash!”. Thank you.

Kügenliche: Thank you, Melanie. A very interesting question. Veronique, please flex and say, “She-Hulk smash!”.

Dublei: I’m not doing that!

Kügenliche: Why?

Dublei: For one thing, she doesn’t actually say that. And for another, I don’t want to destroy your shirt, Maria.

Beires-Nal: Oh, do not be afraid to destroy it. I will simply tell everyone that my breasts grew.

Dublei: But they haven’t grown.

Beires-Nal: I will simply tell everyone that they grew large enough to tear the shirt, and then they shrank back to their original size.

Fuujima: That’s really weird.

Kügenliche: Correct. That is also doubled, and so Jilli, you will also tell everyone that your breasts grew large enough to tear your shirt.

Ceicloma: God! Why do I have to do that?

Kügenliche: You pulled the Handle of Weirdness. Therefore, when possible, doubled weirdness returns to you. Veronique, please tear Maria’s shirt first.

Dublei: [to Beires-Nal] You really don’t mind?

Beires-Nal: Not at all. I insist.

Dublei: Okay. Here goes. [flexes] She-Hulk smash!

Fuujima: It didn’t ruin the shirt.

Beires-Nal: There are tears under the arms. See? [points]

Dublei: [raises arms] Oh, yes. I see them. Sorry.

Beires-Nal: Really, I do not mind.

Kügenliche: Now you, Jilli.

Ceicloma: Wait, I have to tear a shirt now?

Kügenliche: No, you must say that your breasts grew large enough to tear your shirt and then shrank back to their original size. Quickly, please. Into that camera.

Ceicloma: This is so not what I signed up for. All right! I’m doing it! [takes breath] My breasts grew large enough to tear my shirt and then shrank back to their original size.

Kügenliche: Very good. Thank you.

Ceicloma: [facepalms]

Beires-Nal: I will now use that as my ringtone.

Kügenliche: Well, we have time for one more question. It is via Twitter, and it is from at sign ActuallyDebbieMyers, who asks, “When did at sign InteractionWNCSaturdays add tic tac toe board HandleOfWeirdness?? Totally wish we had that when I was there!! tic tac toe board jealous tic tac toe board interaction”. Veronique, when did we add a tic tac toe board to the Handle of Weirdness, and is that enough to make tic tac toe boards jealous of our programme?

Dublei: I... I don’t follow.

Kügenliche: Great. Really some wonderful expert analysis there. So, that is all the time we have for this week. I am afraid we must now bring this most uncomfortable edition of Interaction to a close. Thanks very much to Ms Veronique Dublei, Ms Jilli Ceicloma, Ms Noriko Fuujima, and Ms Maria Beires-Nal for being with us here today. Next week we will resume our discussion of the FIFA crisis. We will be joined by a European lawmaker who wants to abolish FIFA, an attorney who is defending FIFA, and two men in blazers who are critical of FIFA. That is next week right here on Interaction. Until then, good night from us.

Beires-Nal: Noriko, give me a call! No, wait, I know, you don’t have my number. Here, I’ll put it in for you. [types into Noriko’s telephone] Okay, now call me.

Beires-Nal’s telephone: [in Ceicloma’s voice] My breasts grew large enough to tear my shirt and then shrank back to their original size.

Beires-Nal: [claps] Yay!

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