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WEEKLY WHINE

All answers revealed

GoobNet’s extensive coverage of the 2015 Women’s World Cup has continued over the past week. You may recall our insightful analysis of every gesture made by Megan Rapinoe and Lauren Holiday as they were watching the US’s quarterfinal win over China PR, or our report on what all 24 teams need to do in order to win the tournament.

Of course, at this point, 20 of those teams would need to invent a time machine.

But there are four teams that could win this tournament without the aid of a time machine. What do they need to do? We have asked everyone here at GoobNet for their predictions of each of the remaining four matches.

SEMIFINAL 1: UNITED STATES - GERMANY

Gaby: The US will wear white, and Germany will wear red.

Reg: The match will begin with one team kicking off.

Rich: Yeah, and it will end with one team celebrating.

Jhonny: Rapinoe will start. So will Wambach.

Amber Lynn: I dunno. I think Ellis might start Rodriguez again and bring in Wambach off the bench.

Debbie: I’ll be curious to see if Marozsán is ready to go. If she’s not, that’s an important option off the bench that Neid won’t have.

Deb: The US is going to be happy if it goes to penalties. It’s impossible to win two penalty shootouts in the same tournament. I mean, just ask the American players.

Nina: Not completely impossible. Argentina beat Yugoslavia in the quarterfinals and Italy in the semifinals at the 1990 Men’s World Cup, both on penalties. They’re the only team so far to win two penalty shootouts in one World Cup, men or women. That fact is brought to you by knowledge. Knowledge: It’s where you know stuff.

Wen: It’s going to be the US. Germany might score early, but Wambach is going to pull the team into a huddle and tell them, “They are not fucking getting past us again!”. Then they’ll come back and win.

Charlotte: Go Germany! Yes, I still think they will be victorious.

Edvard: Fuck Germany. But they’re winning.

SEMIFINAL 2: JAPAN - ENGLAND

Gaby: Japan will wear blue, and England will wear white.

Reg: This match will also begin with one team kicking off.

Rich: Or do you want to know which team will be celebrating? Then why are you asking me?

Jhonny: By the way, I am loving the lineups, with the players folding their arms and turning to the camera. Although it was much funnier with the male players last year. The female players are actually mostly comfortable doing that.

Wen: Yeah, except a lot of the Chinese players couldn’t finish the pose in time.

Charlotte: Japan simply have too much quality for England. I think this is going to be Japan’s first win by more than one goal.

Nina: Japan have won their last eight Women’s World Cup matches. The last time they lost at a Women’s World Cup, it was in the group phase in 2011, and it was to England. That fact is brought to you by knowledge. Knowledge: It beats the alternative.

Amber Lynn: How can anyone think England are going to win? Even the English think they’re going to lose.

Deb: They always think they’re going to lose. But in this case, yes, they’re right.

Debbie: Well, I am English of course. That means I am prepared for the crushing disappointment that is even now making its inexorable approach. Still, being half Japanese, I will have someone to support in the final.

Edvard: Wait. You’re half Japanese?

THIRD PLACE MATCH

Gaby: The team that lost the US-Germany match will wear white. The other team will wear blue if it’s Japan, or red if it’s England.

Reg: I think there’s going to be a kickoff at the start of this one too.

Rich: I don’t even know who’s going to be in this one.

Charlotte: United States and England. And the United States will win.

Jhonny: No, it will be Germany v England. Germany will win.

Nina: The US have finished third or better at every Women’s World Cup in history. That fact is brought to you by knowledge. Knowledge: Don’t leave home without it, because then you’re just making yourself look stupid.

Debbie: Of course I’m half Japanese. On my father’s side. I’ve told you this repeatedly. You just don’t listen.

Edvard: Sorry, what? No, I’m joking. Maybe you have told me.

Deb: The third place match is always fun. You get to see a lot of the substitutes. The pressure is off. Everybody is having a good time.

Wen: This one is actually not going to be fun, because either Germany or the US is going to be playing in it. Whichever one it is, they’re going to be totally pissed off that they’re not in the final.

Amber Lynn: They’ll probably be pissed off at the semifinal referee, whether she deserves it or not.

FINAL

Gaby: The team that won the US-Germany match will wear white. The other team will wear blue if it’s Japan, or red if it’s England. Oh, and if Germany are playing, they will wear the black shorts.

Reg: This will also start with a kickoff.

Rich: It will be exciting.

Jhonny: Japan will get to the final, but I don’t see them beating either Germany or the US.

Nina: Every time an Asian team has reached the Women’s World Cup final, it has gone to penalties. That fact is brought to you by knowledge. Knowledge: Apply liberally when people say stupid shit.

Amber Lynn: The real question is: out of these semifinalists, which ones would beat their countries’ men’s teams?

Charlotte: All bar Germany. By the way, I must point out how much of a thrill it will be for Germany to be both men’s and women’s title holders.

Edvard: If that happens, I will require a stiff drink.

Debbie: Pour me one whilst you’re at it, Ed.

Deb: I still think the US are going to squeak by Germany in the semifinals. Either way, the winner of that one is taking the title.

Wen: US wins the World Cup. Sepp Blatter goes up to hand the trophy to Wambach. Wambach swipes the thing out of his hands and slaps the cuffs on him. She reveals that she’s actually an FBI agent and that her entire international career has been one long sting operation. She had to become one of the world’s best female footballers solely so that she would meet Sepp Blatter in person. Blatter goes up the river, and Wambach becomes a hero in all 73 countries that did not vote for Blatter. The end.

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