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THE INVERSE OF ZAPP BRANNIGAN

WEEKLY WHINE

Rush for the exits

There now follows a ranking of the top Colour Rush matchups of the 2016 NFL season. Matchups are as reported by NFL Leaks in JUN 2016. Criteria included what we anticipate each team’s kits to look like in isolation – with consideration given for whether the colour is appropriate to the team – and what we anticipate each pairing to look like on the field.

  1. New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers [THU 17 NOV 2016]: New Orleans have chosen to wear all white; the Gridiron Uniform Database indicates that this would be their first time in this combination since 1975. Carolina are expected to bring back their all blue kits from last year, which is the smartest thing that they could possibly do.
  2. Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Colts [THU 24 NOV 2016]: Indianapolis will wear all white, their normal away kit, at home. Pittsburgh will wear black pants for the first time in their history, according to the Gridiron Uniform Database.
  3. Dallas Cowboys at Minnesota Vikings [THU 01 DEC 2016]: A week after Thanksgiving, both teams will participate in the Colour Rush programme again, but with different kits. Dallas will return to their more typical white, and Minnesota to their more typical purple, although it remains to be seen whether the teams will be more adventurous, as the Cowboys were last year.
  4. New York Jets at Buffalo Bills [THU 15 SEP 2016]: A rematch of the inaugural Colour Rush game last year. Buffalo will wear red again, but New York will wear all white this time. The league says it has learned from last year’s mistake and will avoid matchups that fail colourblindness tests.
  5. Houston Texans at New England Patriots [THU 22 SEP 2016]: Houston have worn all blue often. New England’s choice of all red could mean a kit that is based upon the Pat Patriot uniforms of the 1970s and 1980s.
  6. Denver Broncos at San Diego Chargers [THU 13 OCT 2016]: Denver recently returned to wearing orange jerseys at home, and San Diego frequently wear a powder blue alternate jersey. However, to our knowledge, this is the first time that either team will pair those jerseys with pants of the same colour. We remain cautiously optimistic for this game.
  7. Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions [THU 24 NOV 2016]: Detroit have reportedly chosen red on Thanksgiving as a throwback to 1948. This will give us another ketchup v mustard game.
  8. Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs [THU 08 DEC 2016]: Reports that Oakland would throw back to gold now appear to be unfounded. They will reportedly wear all black instead, which would have been a good matchup against yellow were it not for Kansas City’s red helmets.
  9. Miami Dolphins at Cincinnati Bengals [THU 29 SEP 2016]: Miami have on occasion worn orange jerseys, but that colour is more often associated with Cincinnati. The correct approach would put the Dolphins in aqua and the Bengals in orange with black tiger stripes across the back.
  10. Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers [THU 03 NOV 2016]: The Buccaneers, according to the Gridiron Uniform Database, have never before worn black. Giving teams the opportunity to experiment is part of the Colour Rush programme, but in this case, the matchup is backwards: it should be Atlanta in black and Tampa Bay in red.
  11. Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens [THU 10 NOV 2016]: Cleveland introduced a new set of uniforms last year with three jerseys and three pairs of pants [brown, orange, and white in each case]. The most noticeable feature of their kits, however, is still the giant BROWNS text down each leg of the pants. Baltimore have often worn purple jerseys and black pants, so we congratulate them for finally realising that they should wear all purple.
  12. New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles [THU 22 DEC 2016]: This game will see both teams wear the colours of past alternate jerseys that are poor fits to the teams. The Eagles have always looked ridiculous in black, and when the Giants wear red, it makes everyone wonder if there is a new team in the league that they have not yet heard of.
  13. Los Angeles Rams at Seattle Seahawks [THU 15 DEC 2016]: The Rams will wear all blue, a combination that they frequently wore in St Louis, whilst the Seahawks will impersonate the Sounders for the first time since 2009.
  14. Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers [THU 06 OCT 2016]: We would like to thank the 49ers for not selecting those ridiculous black uniforms that they introduced last year. We do not, however, anticipate that all gold will look much better.
  15. Washington NFL team at Dallas Cowboys [THU 24 NOV 2016]: Washington last wore all burgundy in 2009. It looks fine on its own, but with all blue on the other side, it will be a dark v dark matchup. Those never look all that good.
  16. Jacksonville Jaguars at Tennessee Titans [THU 27 OCT 2016]: This is another Colour Rush rematch from last year, but in Nashville rather than Jacksonville. Tennessee will change to navy blue this time, but this was an error. The Titans should keep their Carolina blue, and the Jaguars should change to black.
  17. Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers [THU 20 OCT 2016]: These are two teams that would have been well within their rights to tell the NFL: “We’re not wearing anything ridiculous like that. Fuck off.” However, it does not appear that they have done so. We fear that the Packers will look like the University of Oregon in this game.

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