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WEEKLY WHINE

I take my clothes off in your general direction

These most sustainable Olympic Games ever have now finished.

Granted, the Olympic Games have often been completely and totally unsustainable. So in that sense, Rio de Janeiro has improved the situation.

Still, there is much more work for Rio de Janeiro to do, starting with scraping up the money to hold the Paralympics. After that, it must take apart an arena and turn it into schools. And after that, it must figure out what it is going to do with Dilma Rousseff.

But that is all to come. In the meantime, join us now as we reward the best and punish the worst of these Olympic Games.

Note: We are not actually taking off our clothes at you. Unless that’s a Brazilian show of respect, in which case that’s totally what we’re doing.

GOOBNET RIO 2016 REVIEW COMMITTEE MEMBERS

  • Deb Harratsch, managing editor, GoobNet
  • Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
  • Gaby Gandalucci, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]
  • Wen Jialuen, GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED]

Best Event

Women’s 5,000 m heat 2

Deb says: Nikki Hamblin and Abbey D’Agostino crashed into one another during this heat. D’Agostino helped Hamblin up, but she then realised that she had injured her knee. D’Agostino exhorted Hamblin to finish without her, but Hamblin would have none of it. The two helped one another up, and both finished the race. They were both awarded the Pierre de Coubertin medal, but we all know they will treasure this award much more.

Worst Event

Men’s cycling omnium

Edvard says: In the points race, Great Britain’s Mark Cavendish plowed into Korea Rep’s Park Sang Hoon, forcing Park off on a stretcher. Cavendish, however, escaped punishment and went on to win the silver medal.

Silliest Event

Women’s cycling road race

Gaby says: Defending champion Marianne Vos of the Netherlands fell off the lead in the punishing Vista Chinesa climb late in the race. Her compatriot Annemiek van Vleuten reached the peak first but crashed heavily on the descent, suffering a concussion and a few broken vertebrae. This put Mara Abbott of the United States in the lead for the last 24 km. But with less than two hundred metres to go, a pack made up of the Netherlands’ Anna van Breggen, Sweden’s Emma Johansson, and Italy’s Elisa Longo Borghini caught her, bumping Abbott from gold to nothing in seconds.

Greatest Middle Finger to the Man

Feyisa LILESA, Ethiopia

Deb says: As Lilesa crossed the line second in the men’s marathon, he crossed his arms above his head in protest at the Ethiopian government’s brutal treatment of his tribe, the Oromo. They make up a third of the Ethiopian population but have been excluded, marginalised, and mistreated in Ethiopia. Lilesa explained to reporters that his life would be in danger if he returned home, and that he is considering relocating to another country. In recognition of this incredible act of bravery, from this moment forward, this award is to be known as the Feyisa Lilesa Award for the Greatest Middle Finger to the Man.

Icelandic Men’s Handball Award for the Most Unlikely Medallist

Mónica PUIG, Puerto Rico

Deb says: Puerto Rico were participating in the Summer Olympics for the eighteenth time. In that time, they had earned eight medals: two silver and six bronze. But Puig, who entered the tournament ranked 34th in the world, stormed through the brackets. Her first four matches, including a third round win over third seed Garbiñe Muguruza, were all won in straight sets. She reached the gold medal match and defeated Angelique Kerber, ranked second in the world, to trigger one of the biggest parties in Puerto Rican history.

Most Dominant Performance

Women’s basketballers, United States

Deb says: The female basketballers of the US claimed gold for the sixth straight time, winning all eight games by an average of 37 points.

Eric ‘the Eel’ Moussambani Award for the Least Dominant Performance

Robel Kiros HABTE, Ethiopia

Wen says: Habte completed the 100 m freestyle in 1:04.95, only eighteen seconds off the world record pace. When the rest of his heat finished, he still had a half lap remaining. You may well ask how he ended up at the Olympics. Well, he is the son of the president of the Ethiopian Swimming Federation.

Sark’s Abolition of Feudalism ‘Well, It’s About Fucking Time’ Award

Golf tournaments

Edvard says: Golf finally made a triumphant return to the Olympic programme after going missing for 112 years. Although a number of well known stars like Vijay Singh and Rory McIlroy Zikaed out, the tournament was a success, awarding gold to Great Britain’s Justin Rose and Korea Rep’s Inbee Park.

Fanatic Fans’ Award for Fanatic Fandom

Tennis fans

Edvard says: Loud and boisterous supporters were everywhere to be found, but it was at the tennis courts where the most overly zealous spectators could be heard. Fans were regularly ejected from tennis matches; at one point during the men’s singles semifinal between Juan Martín del Potro and Rafael Nadal, the chair umpire had to remind everyone, “This is tennis”.

Robert Green Award for the Greatest Catastrofuckup

Ryan LOCHTE, United States

Edvard says: On behalf of the rest of the world, I would like to officially announce that the term “ugly American” has been retired in favour of the term “Lochte” instead: “The man simply continued to speak English loudly and slowly. He was acting a complete and utter Lochte.”

Wallace and Gromit ‘Wrong Trousers’ Award

Germany

Gaby says: There were a number of nations that wore their names in a language different from the one spoken in their country. It would have made sense, of course, for all nations to wear their names in Portuguese. An alarming number of nations, however, wore their names in English. To call attention to this trend, we will present this award to the most conspicuous violator: the team that wore Germany instead of Deutschland.

Chris Farley Memorial ‘Lah-Dee-Freakin-Dah’ Award for Excellence in Irrelevance

Women’s footballers, United States

Deb says: Much was made of the US’s attempt to win the gold medal one year after winning the Women’s World Cup, a feat that has not yet been accomplished. Well, the US did make history: they crashed out in the quarterfinals, their worst performance to date in a major tournament.

Best Name

Pierre-Hugues HERBERT, France

Wen says: Congratulations to tenniser Pierre-Hugues Herbert, owner of the most French name ever.

Gaby says: What’s the least French name ever?

Wen says: That would be Tony Parker.

Gaby says: Ah. Mystery solved, then.

Worst Name

Loan HIS, France

Wen says: Artistic gymnast Loan His competed in the uneven bars for France. But we never did find out what item of his was loaned to her.

Silliest Name

Marie-Florence CANDASSAMY, France

Wen says: Marie-Florence reached the round of 16 in the women’s épée, and she was on the French team that finished seventh in the women’s team épée. Her name, however, raises a number of questions. Why does she require three first names – Marie, Florence, and Amy – in her name? Which Amy are we talking about? Why does this Amy have candy in her ass? Is her ass even relevant to the discussion?

Érika ‘Cheaters Never Prosper’ Award

Aurélie MULLER, France

Gaby says: In the women’s 10 km open water swim, Muller finished second. Yay! But she only did so by shoving Italy’s Rachele Bruni out of the way at the finish. Boo!

Greatest Protest of an Officiating Decision

Byambarenchin BAYARRA, Mongolia

Gaby says: In a bronze medal match in the men’s ≤65 kg freestyle wrestling, Mongolia’s Ganzorig Mandakhnaran was leading by one point with seven seconds left. The judges, though, penalised him for failing to engage and awarded a point to Uzbekistan’s Ikhtiyor Navruzov. Bayarra, one of Ganzorig’s coaches, protested and lost, costing Ganzorig another point. Navruzov was awarded an 8-7 win, and Ganzorig’s coaches promptly embarked upon one of the greatest protests in history. In a scene straight out of Jerry Springer, Bayarra removed his clothing and piled it up on the judges’ table, amidst chants of “Mon-go-lia!” from the amused crowd. Both coaches were escorted away by security. From this moment forward, this award is to be known as the Byambarenchin Bayarra Award for the Greatest Protest of an Officiating Decision.

Jeff Agoos ¡Autogolazo! Award

Hiroki FUJIHARU, Japan

Edvard says: In the men’s group phase, Fujiharu redirected a Colombian cross over his own goal line. One of his teammates tried to clear it off the line, but he was too late.

Lapel Pin Award for the Most Irrelevant News Story

Gabby DOUGLAS’s hair, United States

Wen says: We would like to congratulate Gabby’s hair for a repeat performance at these Olympics. It is not often that an athlete’s hair generates so much pointless outrage; to do so twice is an astounding achievement, the likes of which we may never see again.

Most Superfluous Competition

Keirin

Gaby says: Keirin is an event in which cyclists follow behind a motorised cycle for a few laps, and then it moves out of the way so that they can sprint to the finish. However, the individual sprint already exists, so it is not clear why this event also exists.

Wen says: It was added to the Olympic programme in 2000 as a result of a bribe from the Japan Keirin Association.

Gaby says: Ah. Mystery solved, then.

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