Wherein the GoobNet SPEED welcomes Jasmine

Wen: Okay, so, 18% of respondents to a British survey said that they have regretted at least one name they gave to at least one of their children.

Jhonny: Really? Why?

Wen: Well, twenty five percent said it’s too commonly used.

Gaby: What’s too commonly used?

Wen: The name. Like, there are too many other kids with the same name.

Jhonny: Actually, looks like the most popular answer to that question was “other”.

Wen: Well, that’s useful.

Nina: Wait. Did they survey just women?

Wen: They didn’t specify.

Nina: I’d be intrigued to see how that breaks down between men and women.

Wen: You mean male or female parents? Or male or female children?

Nina: Well, that would be interesting too.

Jhonny: Did they ask whether they like their own names?

Gaby: No, but they did ask if their kids like their names. Only eight percent said that they have at least one kid who doesn’t like their names.

Nina: Oh, no way. There’s no way only eight percent of people don’t like their names.

Jhonny: What about you?

Nina: Oh, I fucking hate my name.

Wen: Really? I like it. I’ve always liked Nina.

Nina: I hate it. Nina White. I sound like a... a game show model or something.

Gaby: What’s wrong with White? It’s a good last name.

Nina: No, my first name. I don’t like Nina. It sounds like the name of a hurricane.

Jhonny: You mean like La Niña? Is that what you’re thinking of?

Nina: I don’t know. Maybe that’s it.

Wen: Well... what would you want to be called instead?

Nina: I don’t know. I could never... like... no other name really suited me. You know?

Jhonny: What about the big Name Championship we did? Didn’t you like any of those names?

Gaby: Yeah, we had, like, 64 of them. Pick one and be done with it.

Wen: Okay, well, what I wanted to talk about today was: What names should parents be regretting?

Gaby: Besides Nina.

Nina: I didn’t even say anything.

Jhonny: You think there are some bad names out there?

Wen: Yeah. Like those assholes who are naming their kids Espn.

Jhonny: That’s not actually a thing, is it?

Wen: Yes it is.

Nina: Yeah, I’ve heard of that.

Wen: Your name doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?

Nina: No kidding.

Jhonny: Well, I feel bad for the parents who, like, looked up Egyptian goddesses and said, “Isis! That sounds good!”

Gaby: Well, it was a good name. Until, like, three years ago.

Nina: Unique. People should totally regret that name.

Gaby: Yeah, I remember seeing that when we were doing our research for the tournament. I was like, “Seriously? That’s what you want everyone to call your child for their entire life?”

Nina: Yeah. There were, like, ten Uniques born in California that year.

Wen: I know, right? Kinda defeats the purpose.

Jhonny: Hailey with an I is pretty egregious.

Gaby: Why? How should it be spelled?

Jhonny: It’s H-A-Y-L-E-Y. Anything else is an affront to human society.

Wen: Okay then.

Jhonny: [to Nina] What about Colleen?

Gaby: What’s wrong with Colleen?

Jhonny: No, I mean, for you.

Nina: Colleen? I’m not a Colleen. I’ve got, like, the wrong hair colour for that name.

Gaby: There’s a solution to that problem.

Wen: Yeah, we can do something about that. Don’t let that stop you.

Gaby: You know what? I was just thinking. There must be some conservative people around who are, like, totally pissed off at their parents for naming them Hillary.

Nina: Or liberals named Donald.

Gaby: Yeah. Well, at least they can go by Don. If you’re Hillary, what are you going to do? Hill? Hilly?

Jhonny: Your middle name is probably your safest bet at that point.

Gaby: So what’s your middle name, Nina?

Nina: [sighs] Tenthill.

Jhonny: What?

Nina: It’s Tenthill, okay? My middle name is Tenthill. It was my great grandfather’s last name. He fought in World War I or something. He only had a daughter, and when she married, she took her husband’s name. But then she wanted to keep the name alive, so when she had a kid, she gave him the middle name Tenthill. And then he had me, and he gave me the same middle name. Okay?

Wen: That’s a really cool story.

Gaby: Yeah. You should be proud of that name.

Nina: It’s a last name. It’s not a middle name.

Gaby: So? It’s a great name. And if anybody gives you shit for it, you can be like, “Fuck you. I’m named after a war hero. Why do you hate America?”

Jhonny: Freedom isn’t free!

Gaby: Look, why don’t you just use it as your last name?

Nina: What?

Gaby: Yeah. If you think it’s more of a last name than a middle name, why not just make it your last name?

Wen: Nina Tenthill. That is an awesome name.

Nina: I don’t know.

Gaby: You still don’t like Nina?

Nina: No.

Jhonny: Well... what kind of name do you want? Long? Short?

Nina: I don’t know. Like... longer, I guess. Six letters. Seven, maybe.

Jhonny: How about Alison?

Nina: Too blonde.

Gaby: Ashley?

Nina: Like Ashley Madison? No.

Gaby: Camille?

Nina: What, seriously?

Gaby: Evelyn, then.

Nina: I’d have to wear, like, a corset, or some shit.

Wen: Amber Lynn?

Nina: I’d have to wear fishnets.

Gaby: How about Jasmine?

Nina: I can’t pull that name off.

Gaby: God, you are impossible!

Jhonny: That’s it!

Wen: What’s it?

Jhonny: Clara!

Nina: Are you fucking kidding? No! Absolutely not!

Gaby: Wait, hang on.

Nina: What?

Gaby: You weren’t completely opposed to Jasmine, were you?

Nina: Well... I mean... I like the name. I just... I don’t think it works for me.

Wen: Here. Let me hear you say something.

Nina: What?

Wen: Say, “Hi, I’m Nina Tenthill. But everybody calls me Jasmine.”

Nina: Hi, I’m Nina Tenthill, but everybody calls me Jasmine...?

Wen: No, no, no. Say it like you mean it.

Nina: Forget it.

Gaby: I like that.

Nina: What? What are you talking about?

Gaby: Hey, Jhonny?

Jhonny: Yeah?

Gaby: Hey, I’d like you to meet someone. This is Nina Tenthill. But we all call her Jasmine.

Jhonny: Hello, Jasmine. That’s a really pretty name.

Nina: Shut up, Jhonny.

Wen: I like it too.

Gaby: Yeah, it’s brilliant. You really don’t like it?

Nina: I... I don’t know.

Gaby: How about a trial period?

Nina: What are you talking about?

Gaby: How about we call you Jasmine for a couple of weeks? You know, just to see if you like it?

Nina: What? Really?

Jhonny: Yeah, that sounds like fun. What do you think, Jasmine?

Nina: All right. Fine.

Wen: Great. If you don’t like it, tell us to fuck off, and we’ll go back to Nina.

Jasmine: No, no, no. I’ll give it a try.

Gaby: That’s great. Jasmine it is. For now.

Jhonny: Hope Reg can remember.

Jasmine: He’s probably gonna start calling me Jazz.

Gaby: As long as he doesn’t do the thing that Will and Jazz did on Fresh Prince.

Jasmine: Oh, you mean the...

[Gaby and Jasmine reenact Will and Jazz’s greeting.]

Wen: Yeah. If he starts doing that with you all the time, I’m throwing him out.