WEEKLY WHINE

Addition of editions

The National Basketball Association will look slightly different next season. Teams will be able to sell ad space on their uniforms, in a move that will please nobody except the little green pieces of paper which are moving from other firms to the teams as a result. This is odd, of course, because it wasn’t the little green pieces of paper that were displeased previously.

Another change this year is that the home team now has the first choice of kits at every game. Technically, the home team already had this choice, but if they wanted to wear a dark uniform at home, they would have to request approval from the league office. Such requests have been coming in with increasing frequency in the last few years, and the league apparently no longer wants to hear it: “All right! Enough! We don’t care any more! Just wear whatever you want! Leave us alone!”

Accordingly, the league’s new kit provider, Nike, has taken the opportunity to introduce ridiculous names for each type of uniform, including the “Association Edition” for light kits, the “Icon Edition” for dark kits, and the “Classic Edition” for throwbacks.

Nike still has two more editions to name, but why should they stop there? The GoobNet Special Projects Enhancement and Enforcement Division [SPEED] has identified the following additional editions that should be added to NBA teams’ closets.

• Mashup Edition: Combines the kit design from one era of the team’s history with the colours from another era. Made popular by the Cleveland Cavaliers.
• Crossover Edition: Combines elements of the kit of a fellow professional team in the same city. For example, the Orlando Magic in Orlando City purple, or the New York Knicks in Yankees pinstripes.
• Sager Strong Edition: Same as an existing edition, but with the background colour replaced by the pattern of one of Craig Sager’s famous suits.
• Noche Latina Edition: Same as an existing edition, but with “Los” in front of the team’s name.
• Local Pandering Edition: Same as an existing edition, but with “The” in the language of a local ethnic community in front of the team’s name.
• Unpaid Labour Edition: Designed by a fan, who will not receive a share of the proceeds, or indeed any compensation at all.
• Black for Black’s Sake Edition: Black, even if that is not one of the team’s colours. If it is, this edition will have even more black than the existing black edition.
• Grey for Grey’s Sake Edition: Grey, even if that is not one of the team’s colours. If it is, this edition will have even more grey than the existing grey edition.
• Glow in the Dark Edition: A kit that glows in the dark. And not just figuratively, like a bright yellow or something. No, this kit actually glows when the lights are off. Particularly useful if the home team has failed to pay its electricity bill.
• Ice Hockey Edition: Replaces the team name with a large team logo.
• Football Edition: Replaces the team name with a team logo on the left chest, with a large sponsor’s logo beneath that.
• Noitide Sdrawkcab: The player’s name is on the front, and the team’s name is on the back. Will finally put an end to that annoying saying about playing for the name on the front of the jersey.
• Mirror Image Edition: Mirror image of an existing edition. Expect confusion when the referees try to determine whether number 2 or number 5 committed the foul.
• Inverted Jenny Edition: Same as an existing edition, but with the team name upside down.
• Incite a Riot Edition: Combines the kit design of an existing edition with the colours of the team’s rival. For example, the Los Angeles Lakers in green and white.
• Never Going to Happen Edition: Same as an existing edition, but reasonably priced.