WEEKLY WHINE

Calling all pundits

The draw for the 2018 Men’s World Cup was successfully completed on Friday. The event featured speeches by the presidents of FIFA and of Russia, who are top contenders for the Corruption Cup.

But what of the results of the draw? Are they good for your team? Well, if your team is Russia or England, you should be happy at what your team has upcoming. If your team is Morocco or Serbia, you should be insisting to all of your friends that your team really does have a chance. If your team is the Netherlands or the United States, we will see you at the Bender B Rodriguez Blackjack and Hookers Cup.

In the meantime, here at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network, we will constantly discuss the Men’s World Cup over the next few months. There will be shows featuring former players, shows featuring former managers, shows featuring former journalists, and shows featuring former humans. As we talk about each group in the tournament, we will show a lower third graphic reminding you which teams are in that group, and presenting a brief description of that group. The text that we will use on these lower third graphics is presented below.

You might well ask why we will be devoting so much live programming that uses television and is broadcast via satellite to a football tournament. Our answer to that question is twofold. First: have you met us? Second: would you rather we spend all that time talking about all the crazy shit that Donald J Trump is certain to tweet between now and then?

GROUP A: RUS, KSA, EGY, URU
Russia have hosts’ easiest group since 1958 [Sweden, Hungary, Luxembourg, Stanley Rous’s cat]

GROUP B: POR, ESP, MAR, IRN
Spain did not receive memo about wearing red and green

GROUP C: FRA, AUS, PER, DEN
Report: Klinsmann to apply for Australia manager position; Australia: ‘Nah, we’re good’

GROUP D: ARG, ISL, CRO, NGA
Iceland look to shock Argentina, put out Nigeria, check Croatia

GROUP E: BRA, SUI, CRC, SRB
Ticos eager to show 2010 quarterfinal appearance not fluke; Swiss eager to show it was

GROUP F: GER, MEX, SWE, KOR
Commentators’ law requires us to designate a Group of Death

GROUP G: BEL, PAN, TUN, ENG
Panama: ‘Why not us?’; England: ‘Whenever we say that, it doesn’t end well’

GROUP H: POL, SEN, COL, JPN
Still investigating rumours that other players besides Rodríguez, Lewandowski exist