WEEKLY WHINE

Ethical standards optional

As you know, we here at GoobNet are extraordinarily interested in extraordinary science and extraordinary mathematics.

Consequently, when our very own GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network wished to cover science and mathematics, they came to us and asked us to explain the most extraordinary mathematical accomplishments and the most extraordinary scientific events.

We began to tell them about the Fields Medal, which was awarded to four mathematicians this week. They were very excited about that and asked us to explain the work that won them this prestigious honour.

We were not quite sure what they did that warranted this prestigious honour, but the producers at the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network were so excited about their work, and so keen to cover it prominently, that they were willing to accept any explanation that we could provide for them.

So we gave them the best description that we could of these groundbreaking mathematicians’ achievements, and we also informed them of a few other important events in the world of science.

Then they asked us about the guy who figured out what would happen if Earth’s entire volume was instantaneously replaced with an equal volume of blueberries. They wanted to know how groundbreaking this was, and they wanted to know what other fruits would capture the audience’s attention even more.

We instructed them to shut up and just report on the Fields Medal already.

Accordingly, here are the stories on the Fields Medal and other scientific topics that will be running on the GoobNet Satellite Programming Live Using Television network over the next several days.

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CAUCHER BIRKAR AWARDED FIELDS MEDAL
Great work on Fano varieties there, Caucher

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ALESSIO FIGALLI AWARDED FIELDS MEDAL
Way to apply optimal transport, Alessio

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PETER SCHOLZE AWARDED FIELDS MEDAL
Those new cohomology theories are really something, Peter

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AKSHAY VENKATESH AWARDED FIELDS MEDAL
Good job resolving the shit out of those long-standing problems, Akshay

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PERSEID METEOR SHOWER COMING UP
How to watch: 1) Wait for sky to get dark; 2) Look at it

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LUNAR ECLIPSE DELIGHTS SKYGAZERS
Hereafter referred to as “blood Moon” because everything has to sound exciting

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PARKER SOLAR PROBE TO LAUNCH
Will fly close to Sun, look at it

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QUANTUM MATERIALS COMING SOON
Our analyst explains everything, except what they are and why they are different