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PROUDLY ERRING ON THE SIDE OF WHATEVER’S FUNNIER SINCE 1997

WEEKLY WHINE

2019 GoobNet Futurama Dialogue Championship: Minimal Ass Ratio Conference

There now follows a ranking of the top 32 lines and exchanges of Futurama in the Minimal Ass Ratio Conference. The top eight items in each conference advance to the championship tournament.

Images are provided courtesy Morbotron.

1. 7ACV02: “A Farewell to Arms”

Amy Wong: Stop the end of the world sex! We might survive after all!

2. 3ACV07: “The Day the Earth Stood Stupid”

Judge: All glory to the Hypnotoad.

3. 3ACV19: “Roswell That Ends Well”

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: You mustn’t interfere with the past. Don’t do anything that affects anything!Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Unless it turns out you were supposed to do it.Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: In which case, for the love of god, don’t not do it!

4. 6ACV17: “Benderama”

Morbo: Water is now... now booze, and everyone’s titty much protally fitshaced.Linda van Schoonhoven: Turning to sports, the Indy 500 was today. There were no survivors.

5. 6ACV04: “Proposition Infinity”

Bender Bending Rodriguez: We’re gonna fight to legalize it right here!Hermes Conrad: Yeah, mon! You gotta legalize it!Amy Wong: We’re talking about robosexual marriage!Hermes Conrad: We’re talking about lots of stuff!

6. 6ACV14: “The Silence of the Clamps”

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: I refuse to believe anyone is happy!

7. 3ACV08: “That’s Lobstertainment!”

Calculon: Let me see the script.Calculon: No, no. I don’t like the font.

8. 3ACV20: “Godfellas”

Galactic Entity: When you do things right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.

9. 4ACV12: “The Sting”

Turanga Leela: He’s alive!Hattie McDoogal: Quit your bragging! My boyfriend’s alive too!Hattie McDoogal: Oh, not any more.

10. 4ACV18: “The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings”

Tinny Tim: Extra! Extra! Greatest opera of all time sucks!

11. 4ACV12: “The Sting”

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Of course he still exists. As a frozen corpse in outer space!Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Ha ha ha ha!Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Oh, I made myself sad.

12. 4ACV04: “Less Than Hero”

Man: Excuse me! Hi! Do you have a minute?Man: I live in Jersey City, and my car broke down, and I need to get back...Man: ...because my aunt’s real sick and she needs this medicine, but I need money for the bus.Man: So I’m mugging you. Hand over your wallets.Turanga Leela: I don’t believe that story for a second.Man: It doesn’t matter! I’m mugging you!Philip J Fry: There’s no bus to Jersey City!

13. 4ACV18: “The Devil’s Hands Are Idle Playthings”

Robot Devil: Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan is one quarter complete!

14. 4ACV16: “Three Hundred Big Boys”

Whale biologist: I’m the whale biologist. Though personally, I hate whales. Especially Mushu.Turanga Leela: Then why’d you become a whale biologist?Whale biologist: I don’t know you well enough to get into that.

15. 4ACV16: “Three Hundred Big Boys”

Kif Kroker: It shows the time wherever we both are. And it’s powered by love!Kif Kroker: Also, you have to wind it.

16. 4ACV01: “Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch”

Grand Midwife: I will now take my leave. I live here, so I won’t actually be going anywhere.Grand Midwife: But you don’t have to talk to me any more!

17. 4ACV16: “Three Hundred Big Boys”

Hermes Conrad: Isn’t this fun?Dwight Conrad: No! I wish I had two mommies!

18. 4ACV10: “The Why of Fry”

Philip J Fry: Just remember, the Scooty-Puff Jr suuuucks!Lord Nibbler: In a thousand years, I’ll get right on it.

19. 4ACV04: “Less Than Hero”

Amy Wong: Are you off your rocket? Your parents are mutants!Amy Wong: It’s illegal for them to come above ground, because they’re inferior genetic scum!Amy Wong: Uh, present company excluded, of course.

20. 1ACV04: “Love’s Labours Lost in Space”

Zapp Brannigan: As my protégé, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary...Zapp Brannigan: ...is to seduce her.[pause]Zapp Brannigan: This time we are sure she’s a woman, right?

21. 2ACV04: “Xmas Story”

Linda van Schoonhoven: Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies.Linda van Schoonhoven: And there would have to be a lot of them.

22. 4ACV04: “Less Than Hero”

Mayor C Randall Poopenmeyer: Thank you, mysterious heroes! The value of the Gemerald you saved...Mayor C Randall Poopenmeyer: ...is slightly greater than the cost of the damage you caused to this museum.Mayor C Randall Poopenmeyer: A net gain for our great city!

23. 4ACV17: “Spanish Fry”

Ndnd: Lrrr used to be so tender.Lrrr: I only wrote that poem to test my printer!

24. 4ACV01: “Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch”

Kif Kroker: I must return to my homeworld to perform the ancient birthing rites.Scruffy: Lemme know how that turns out.

25. 4ACV06: “Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television”

Calculon: I’m not familiar with the type of thing I’m seeing.

26. 4ACV08: “Crimes of the Hot”

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Thank you. I deserve this.

27. 4ACV01: “Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch”

Amy Wong: Kif, don’t cry, or you’ll get a tummyache.

28. 4ACV13: “Bend Her”

Turanga Leela: It does seem like Jamaica would be able to field a strong limbo team without you.Amy Wong: Yeah, isn’t that basically all Jamaicans do?Hermes Conrad: Jamaicans have other interests.Hermes Conrad: Which is why the limbo team got detained at the airport.

29. 4ACV17: “Spanish Fry”

Lrrr: Uhhh, humanhorn? How ridiculous!Lrrr: Why would a virile male like Lrrr need humanhorn? I don’t even know what it’s for.Lrrr: What is it, something you... you put in salad dressing?Ndnd: Like you’ve ever seen a salad.Lrrr: My weight is appropriate and attractive!

30. 4ACV03: “Love and Rocket”

Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Remember, we’ve got to show these people we’re not bitter husks of human beings...Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: ...who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime.Prof Hubert J Farnsworth: Leela, you’ll have to do some acting.Turanga Leela: Check.

31. 5ACV02: Bender’s Big Score part two

Philip J Fry II: Are you made of Tinkertoy?

32. 5ACV15: Into the Wild Green Yonder part three

Kif Kroker: Shall I initiate a pointless and potentially fatal pursuit?Zapp Brannigan: Make it so!

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