WEEKLY WHINE

Keep your shirt on

We're almost through with the 2003 Women's World Cup, so that means it's time to choose some honourees. Certain people amongst the participants have stood out above the crowd, because of good performances, or bad performances, or just because they're tall. Anyway, the GoobNet Football Committee has identified various special people, and they'll be treated specially because of these awards.

Note: By the time you read this, the tournament will probably be over already. That's your problem, not ours.

GOOBNET FOOTBALL COMMITTEE MEMBERS

• Reginald J Goober, founder and CEO, GoobNet Enterprises Inc [which doesn't actually exist however]
• Debbie Myers, host, Interaction
• Edvard van de Kamp, former dynamite eater
• Deb Harratsch, editor, portHOLE[tm] by GoobNet

Best Hair: Galina KOMAROVA, Russia [v Australia]
Deb says: She was going for the "Hey look, my head looks like my country's flag" look here.

Worst Hair: Galina KOMAROVA, Russia [v Germany]
Deb says: But by the Germany match, it looked just as messy as her teammates.

Best Name: Amélie COQUET, France
Reg says: No, her destin wasn't particularly fabuleux, with only one appearance, but we've not heard the last of this youngster who could help shape the future of les Bleues. Honourable mention goes to her teammate, Elodie Woock [pronounced like a siren: Wooooock! Wooooock! Wooooock!].

Worst Name: RI Kum Suk, Korea DPR
Edvard says: Okay, North Korea. I know you guys don't get out much, so I'm just letting you know now: in English, that name is dirty. Really dirty.

Best Goal Celebration: nobody
Debbie says: One hundred and four goals scored in the first 31 matches - and they were all celebrated in boring fashion, either by jumping onto one another or running around with arms up. Come on! This is the World freaking Cup! Bust some fly moves, Birgit Prinz! Get down with your bad self, Jin Pyol Hui!

Most Pleasant Surprise [Team]: Ghana
Edvard says: Admit it. You expected China PR to shell Ghana. We won't hold it against you. They held the Chinese to only one goal, showed potential against Russia, and then Alberta Sackey bashed in two against Australia. Hey Ghana, your female footballers have mad skillz.

Most Unpleasant Surprise [Team]: Nigeria
Edvard says: Precious Dede's a good goalkeeper. Perpetua Nkwocha's a good forward. But please, someone send Nigeria some other players. Remember that one Family Guy when Peter "modernises" The King and I? To paraphrase Lois, "This isn't football! This blows!"

Most Pleasant Surprise [Individual]: Taryn SWIATEK, Canada
Reg says: Karina LeBlanc lost her starting place to the 22 year old Swiatek, and all the youngster did was jack Argentina and China PR, keep Japan to one goal, and play a leading role in Canada's fairy tale trip to the semis. Honourable mention to Shannon Boxx of the US - when April Heinrichs chose her squad, Boxx had never even earned a cap. Now, she, like Swiatek, is an All-Star.

Most Unpleasant Surprise [Individual]: ZHAO Lihong, China PR
Deb says: Remember when Zhao was a great midfielder who could set up Sun Wen and Friends? Remember when she could speed down the sideline and misalign the opposing defense? I don't think even she remembers that any more.

Silliest Fans: China PR
Reg says: Okay, there's the list of things you can't bring into the Home Depot Center. Anybody see "big dragons" on there? No? Awesome!

Six Million Dollar Woman Award: Cheryl SALISBURY, Australia
Reg says: In the match against China PR, Captain Cheryl found numerous balls travelling toward her team's goal after goalkeeper Cassandra Kell had been drawn off her line. But Salisbury put herself in harm's way every time, once even taking the post right in the stomach. How does one even survive an evening like that? Unless, of course, they have the technology.

Most Useless Player: MILENE, Brazil
Deb says: The Confederação Brasiliera de Futebol told coach Paulo Goncalves that he had to include Mrs Ronaldo in his squad so that they could generate some publicity. Responding to her teammates applying the moniker "Barbie" to her, she said, "On the pitch I can't be such a Barbie. Otherwise they'd criticise me." Hello! They are criticising you, stupid! Luckily, Goncalves didn't feel compelled to put her in.

Jeff Agoos ¡Autogolazo! Award: Dianne ALAGICH, Australia
Deb says: Well, somebody has to get this award, and there was only one own goal. Sorry, Dianne.

Most Annoying Signs: "Save the WUSA", numerous individuals
Edvard says: Yes, saving the WUSA is a good idea. But how is printing out Save the WUSA in Times New Roman going to help?

Best Uniforms: Secondary kit, Sweden
Debbie says: You know, the navy ones with royal blue down the sides. That's a nice two tone look there. Honourable mention to their primary kits, which are just about the same as the men's team. But I'm telling you right now, the women look better in them.

Worst Uniforms: Primary kit with secondary shorts, Brazil
Debbie says: Dear Mr Blatter: Stop making Brazil wear white shorts with their yellow shirts. If you thought the men looked bad like that last year, the women just look horrendous. Marta, you deserve better.

Silliest Uniform: Nozomi YAMAGO, Japan [v Canada]
Debbie says: All yellow can work under some circumstances, eg Romania or the Columbus Crew. But if it's almost completely undecorated, and if you're a goalkeeper, and if you've got the long sleeved yellow, and it's a day game, that's enough to damage your television set.