WEEKLY WHINE

Sorry, Zak

Bad news, conspiracy theorists. ESA have released a 3D model of the face on Mars, proving once again that it's not a face after all. Mars Express's High Resolution Stereo Camera took some images of Cydonia Planitia, and you can see that it doesn't really look much like a human face at all.

But who feels the most upset about this? You do, obviously. We don't really understand why you'd choose to write in to us, because we love to mock conspiracy theorists like you. So, get out your flak jackets and prepare to face our onslaught in this special edition: The GoobNet Mailbox Strikes Back!

This makes me angry! Now the European Space Agency has joined the coverup! NASA is just paying off space agencies right and left to shut them up about this! I bet all the leadership at NASA is aliens! – Ridge Allsworth, Madison, WI, USA

Well, at least you took the high road and decided not to accuse Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld of being aliens.

I'm an expert on Martian faces, and my work has demonstrated without doubt that the Face on Mars is real. The crop circles prove it. – Steven O'Malley, Gracen, IN, USA

Yeah, well, the crop circles in our yard disprove it.

When is the NASA leadership going to realise that everyone else knows all about the truth of the Face? They are a publicly funded organisation. They should do what the public wants. – Quincy Sodgeley, Bismarck, ND, USA

The public wants a face on Mars? Okay, fine. We got your face on Mars right here.

Great! Now the Americans and Europeans are working together to cover up the Mars face! I guess we'll have to wait for Iran's Mars orbiter to expose the truth. – Cliff Glassmourth, Fim, OK, USA

The United Nations has set a deadline of the end of October for Iran to cease work on enriching liquid hydrogen for its launch vehicle programme, which President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insists is strictly for peaceful purposes.

Hello Goobnet! I have prepared a book about the Face on Mars! I am offering you exclusive rights to the chapter about the chin! Simply post it on your site and watch the money roll in! Contact me at ########@##########.### to find out how! – Aaron Thissler, Placetown, ND, USA

We're going to hold out for the chapter about the elbow.

The elbow doesn't exist on the face! – Aaron Thissler, Placetown, ND, USA

Really? You mean, just like the face doesn't exist on Mars? Ha ha! You walked right into that one, loser!

I have had it with these motherfucking coverups about this motherfucking face! – Billy Zocksburg, Midland, KS, USA

I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing!

Hey, I've been to the Face on Mars. I can guarantee you that it exists. I used a yellow crystal to get there, and I wore a spacesuit made from a wet suit, an airline oxygen tank, a fishbowl, and some duct tape. – Zak McKracken, San Francisco, CA, USA

Shut up.