WEEKLY WHINE

Why are things the way they are?

As you may know, it is December in certain jurisdictions. We are therefore going to get “Dynamite Eating” Edvard van de Kamp in here to answer your questions.

Does the Universe frequently puzzle and perplex you? If so, it is time to acquire more knowledge. Knowledge is something that lets you know stuff: the more stuff you know, the more knowledge you have. Knowledge is a desirable characteristic because people who have more knowledge tend to be smarter.

If all that did not sound condescending to you, you are not smart enough for GoobNet. Do not read anything anywhere on this site until a) you can spell hypochondriac, or b) you have read about so many diseases that you have become a hypochondriac.

Dear Edvard: In NCAA soccer, why does the clock count down, and why is there a timeout in the middle of each half?

– Shirley Poutho
Ventura, CA, USA

Dear Shirley: NCAA football rules call for a timekeeper at matches, whereas the FIFA laws of the game call for the referee to keep time. The mid-half timeout is for matches that are on television, and it was introduced to justify having a separate timekeeper, as well as because the NCAA is solely interested in revenues from television broadcasters and is completely subservient to their whims.

Dear Edvard: Why do hot dogs always come in packages of ten, whilst the buns come in packages of eight?

– Charlie d’Out
Milwaukee, WI, USA

Dear Charlie: If this is a common problem for you, you should either case your own hot dogs or make your own buns. In any case, the US National Hot Dog and Sausage Council has covered this topic. In summary, it is because the manufacturers of each are morons who still can’t work together after all these decades.

Dear Edvard: Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

– Johnny Reeforr
New Haven, CT, USA

Dear Johnny: Parkways originally referred to roads that connected parks, whereas driveways referred to roads that one could drive in order to reach a building.

Dear Edvard: How and why did Halloween become an occasion for college girls to wear incredibly hot and revealing costumes? Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

– Roger Thessick
Ann Arbor, MI, USA

Dear Roger: I’m not complaining either. I have not been able to find good documentation on this topic, so this is largely a guess. College students will accept any excuse to party, especially a holiday that most of them enjoyed as children. Add to that the fact that it is the first major holiday of the school year, and you have a large number of students going to parties. Over time, more and more of them wear costumes, and over time, women realise that they can get more attention from men by wearing incredibly hot and revealing costumes.

Dear Edvard: Why does the US still use sales taxes instead of a value added tax?

– Brian Storrington
Greenwich, England, UK

Dear Brian: Because most Americans subscribe to the gramatically questionable philosophy that anything that ain’t broke oughtn’t be fixed, taxes in the US will not be reformed until the economy collapses. The current mortgage panic is a good start.

Dear Edvard: Why would anyone go hurtling down a city street on a luge with wheels?

– Carlessa Oberhilder
Bonn, Germany

Dear Carlessa: It’s fun. And under the sanction of international governing bodies, it’s actually quite safe.

Dear Edvard: Why does GoobNet claim to be the world’s premier source for information about the world of professional Triominoing? I see no information about professional Triominoing on GoobNet.

– Paul Choffberg
Manchester, England, UK

Dear Paul: You are obviously confusing us with goobnet.com.

Dear Edvard: Why does Wikipedia always have obsessive edit wars about trivially inane things like whether the article about a particular state highway in some tiny town in some obscure US state that nobody has ever even driven should be called “Nebraska State Route Eleven Trillion” or “State Route Eleven Trillion (Nebraska)”?

– Juanita Peralta
Medellín, Colombia

Dear Juanita: Because they’re dumb. It’s obviously “Nebraska State Route Eleven Trillion”, and anybody who thinks otherwise is unfit to edit Wikipedia and should be permablocked.