WEEKLY WHINE

The charms of Shreveport

As you know, now that the GoobNet Highly Effective Accelerated Railway Transit for Accessing National Destinations with a Special Opportunity to Unify Locations system has completed its fourth and final phase, high speed railway transit has become enormously popular and has become the best way to travel medium distances in the United States.

But what has been the most overwhelmingly popular part of the GoobNet Highly Effective Accelerated Railway Transit for Accessing National Destinations with a Special Opportunity to Unify Locations system? That’s right, the Chinese food served in the dinner cars. And what has been the most overwhelmingly popular part of the Chinese food served on the dinner cars of the GoobNet Highly Effective Accelerated Railway Transit for Accessing National Destinations with a Special Opportunity to Unify Locations system? That’s right, GoobNet’s Misfortune Cookies. If you have not yet experienced GoobNet’s Fortune Cookies with the Chinese food served on the dinner cars of the GoobNet Highly Effective Accelerated Railway Transit for Accessing National Destinations with a Special Opportunity to Unify Locations system, allow us to take a moment to acquaint you with the fine work that our fortune authors have been doing.

• TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO TRAVEL UPWARDS OF 200 KM/H
• LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND LAUGH AT ALL THOSE SLOW CARS ON THE FREEWAY
• WE’VE RESERVED A BACKWARD FACING SEAT JUST FOR YOU
• WHY NOT TAKE AN EXCITING VACATION TO LAS CRUCES? JUST MINUTES FROM EL PASO ON LINE 25
• SHOULD THERE BE A LOSS IN CABIN PRESSURE, OXYGEN MASKS WILL... JUST KIDDING. WHOEVER HEARD OF A TRAIN LOSING CABIN PRESSURE?
• YOUR LUCKY PLATFORM IS 9¾, OR WHATEVER THE HELL NUMBER PLATFORM IS THE ONE TO HOGWARTS
• DID YOU EVER GET ONE OF THOSE VAGUE AND MYSTERIOUS FORTUNES LIKE “BE OPEN TO NEW RELATIONSHIPS”? YEAH, DON’T DO THAT
• OMIGOD THIS TRAIN’S GONNA CRASH! WAIT, IS THIS LINE 20 EASTBOUND? I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN A FORTUNE COOKIE ON LINE 20 WESTBOUND. NEVER MIND
• PLEASE SUBMIT YOUR VOTE ON THE OFFICIAL FOOD OF HIGH SPEED TRAINS. NOTE THAT PEANUTS ARE TAKEN
• THIS IS LINE 87 TO NEW YORK CITY, MAKING STOPS WHEREVER THE HELL I FEEL LIKE. STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS. BING! BOONG! THIS IS JOHN DIMAGGIO, SPEAKING FOR AUDIO FORTUNE COOKIES
• YOU SHOULD RIDE FIRST CLASS. AND NOT BECAUSE WE WANT YOUR EXTRA MONEY
• HEY, THERE’S AN INTERVIEW WITH EMILY BLUNT IN THIS MONTH’S TRAIN MAGAZINE. YEAH, I’D TOTALLY DO HER
• PLAN FOR THE FUTURE. EXTEND LINE 95 TO MAINE
• CALL YOUR FRIEND AND TELL THEM THAT YOU’RE MOVING WAY FASTER. UNLESS YOUR FRIEND IS ON THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION
• BE CLOSED TO OLD RELATIONSHIPS
• WE’VE BUILT IT, SO COME ON BOARD